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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  New Sins
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2017, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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New Sins by Oscar Moreno  - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The ruler of a world where art has been banned must seek the help of a paralyzed musician to awaken his comatose daughter. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi Oscar,

I liked this, it had charm and grace. It was written well enough so I could visualize everything.

A few things with the story flow felt off. Renner bonded with Gail extremely quickly. In one scene he's kidnapped her, the next he has her in her home, the next she's had the accident and he'll do anything, even betray everything he believes in to save her. I didn't buy that, you hadn't laid the groundwork for me to accept this was real.

Renner flips to the dark side quite quickly. The 'only music can save her' option is presented and accepted very early on. My first thought was, why not just try singing? Anyone can sing, even badly. Playing a guitar takes weeks of practice and requires instruction. This element felt forced just so you could bring Cecily into the story.

The ending, although charming, was telegraphed and again didn't seem believable. I think this would be a much more realistic story if music didn't save his daughter but it saved him. In his desperation to save her, he tries forbidden arts and, although it doesn't bring her out of the coma, he learns an important lesson; that type of thing.

To summarize, this feels rushed and that gives the script a forced element that snaps the suspension of disbelief. But it's a good start and there's potential here so keep at it.

Maybe try starting the story later one once she's in the coma and use a few brief flashbacks to fill us in on the backstory?

I hope my notes help.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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OscarM
Posted: February 13th, 2018, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, thanks for your feedback! You make a lot of good points. Perhaps I'll do a rewrite!


More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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OscarM
Posted: July 21st, 2019, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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I'm really flattered that this script was recently featured in Script Revolution's Shootin' the Shorts! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/shootin-the-shorts/new-sins-sung-to-a-different-melody


More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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Arundel
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this. Dialog was really good. Setting and premise were believable. Character names fit well.

Renner's dialog at the beginning, is it meant to be O.S. or V.O.?

Only thing that felt forced is that Renner is 'Lord' and Gail is 'princess.' Minor suggestion is to have Renner be a solider and Gail his daughter, he must go against the 'Lord' (this would be a new character) and use music to bring her back. It's difficult for him because he took a vow and now must go against his orders/superiors. Just a thought.

Points for not naming a song in the script. If Renner started to strum Stairway to Heaven and Cecily goes "...There's a lady..." Oh God! Lol. Good job at avoiding such a mess.
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OscarM
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arundel
Really enjoyed this. Dialog was really good. Setting and premise were believable. Character names fit well.

Renner's dialog at the beginning, is it meant to be O.S. or V.O.?

Only thing that felt forced is that Renner is 'Lord' and Gail is 'princess.' Minor suggestion is to have Renner be a solider and Gail his daughter, he must go against the 'Lord' (this would be a new character) and use music to bring her back. It's difficult for him because he took a vow and now must go against his orders/superiors. Just a thought.

Points for not naming a song in the script. If Renner started to strum Stairway to Heaven and Cecily goes "...There's a lady..." Oh God! Lol. Good job at avoiding such a mess.


Thanks for the read and for your kind words, Arundel!

I wrote it as O.S. because he's saying all this to Gail by her bed. I could be wrong, though. It's funny, I've been doing a lot of talking with other writers about when/how/if we use V.O., O.S., etc.

I think your suggestion is well worth considering. And certainly, there's many reasons to avoid putting a song into a script! It's hard enough to make a short film, why make it more difficult for everyone involved? lol.

Again, thanks for the read and for digging it!


More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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Seems like it should be V.O. to me.

O.S is used if the character speaking is physically in the scene but not seen (behind a door, just off camera etc.)

I did get confused as at first I thought he was talking from behind the door, but then he enters, talks, and you still use O.S - which is when I realized you actually meant V.O.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  July 23rd, 2019, 6:17am
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OscarM
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Seems like it should be V.O. to me.

O.S is used if the character speaking is physically in the scene but not seen (behind a door, just off camera etc.)

I did get confused as at first I thought he was talking from behind the door, but then he enters, talks, and you still use O.S - which is when I realized you actually meant V.O.



All right, I'll fix it when I get the chance. Thanks!



More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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