There Were Three :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Brandon,

Congratulations on finishing your script.

I understood the story. It flowed. I liked the Noir throwback style.

A few things I noticed.

Spelling. Typos and Grammar.
It happens to everyone. I'll raise my hand, it definitely happens to me. Take a look back at your script and look for typos, spelling and grammar.
Examples:
The old guy finds comfort in ~~scribing~~ (scribbling) his thoughts into this book of his.
Manfred and the barkeep the only two in the damned place (.)
Clyde takes a bottle from a shelf, and whilst walking over to Manfred" (.)
LADY LOUISA
My husband loved a drink. Me? ~~the~~ (The)
thought of it makes me uneasy.
MANFRED (Center MANFRED)
Could never stand being away from
her, the wife. Not even a thought
of alcohol. You know, after it
happened I began drinking... Not
heavily, but enough to dull my ill
mind... To quiet the demons who oft
speak in such high volumes.

Character names:
I noticed that your character Manfred was also called Manny and Mannie. I would say that if you are going to use nicknames for Manfred then you should tell the reader that when you are introducing him.
Example:
Here sits MANFRED "MANNY", 72 years old.
But for the simplicity of the story, I would suggest you just call him Manfred or Manny and change all of the occurrences of his name to meet that.

Be careful with the following;
Manny lifts the empty glass in a gesture speaking the words, "I'll have another"
and
Clyde watches the two with a sense of "Get over there and talk" His face says it all.
I don't mind the quotations and what they mean but some people hate it in screenplays. Most would argue that it would be better for Manfred to simply say "I'll have another" and Clyde to point to a chair and nod to it in reference.

I hope some of this helps.

Best of luck to you with all your current and future projects.

Read. Write. Rewrite. Repeat.

Best,
Marty