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I wrote this while reminiscing about the Biblical films of the 50s and 60s that I loved. From 'The Robe' to John Huston's 'The Bible, in the Beginning.'
Firstly, I have to admit that this story isn't one I'd read on my own. That is nothing to do with your writing or style but just as a story in of itself.
With that in mind, I did read it. Not bad.
The action was easy to follow and straightforward for the most part. Your dialogue was good. I liked the cinematic visual ending.
Just a few opinions and suggestions from my end.
Character ages: 60+. 70+. -I haven't seen too many of those instances used. -I'd stick to good old, 60s. 70s.
Transitions: After you faded out, you didn't fade back in. -Probably a nitpick and I know I have seen scripts without them but just food for thought. FADE OUT: -You didn't fade out at the end of your screenplay. You should. Or type THE END.
Camera Directing: CLOSE UP - BACK OF A WOMAN'S HAND. STOKE SHOT. -You'll probably get the old. Leave that to the director. -Consider writing it in the way that you see it without the use of camera angles.
Dialogue: It feel flat on a couple of spots. Examples: Page 3. ADAM Wonderful! My new creation. I think I will call it Cyan. -I didn't care for that line or that scene. But that might just be my prospective. See what others think.
Page 6. CAIN (CONT�D) Do you really think the creator is really going to appreciate the stench of a defenceless young beast that you slaughtered? -I would take out the second use of really. Actually, I would take it out and replace it with truly. Makes it sound older. More of a period way of speaking. I'd assume. CAIN Do you truly think the creator is going to appreciate the stench of a defenceless young beast that you slaughtered?
CONT'D: It was suggested to me once to remove the automatic use of CONT'D. I did and I agree it is easier on the eyes and less distracting. So I offer that suggestion to anyone I see using them. The choice is yours.
I hope some of these notes help.
Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.
Thanks a lot for your detailed feedback Marty. I didn't not realise that CONT'D was in there. I'm using Final Draft 9 and didn't look at the PDF it created. I see what you are saying about camera shots, i do try and stay away from them. Maybe I should have just said we see the back of the woman's hand, as this was supposed to be before a full reveal. Cheers. I can see your doing your bit at looking at other people's work on the site.
Matthew - the story is really not my cup of tea (others will love it) but I did note a style issue that I think would help. You start too many sentences the same way, making the read feel more stilted then it actually is - for example, this passage:
Quoted Text
Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders and turns him round. Abel grimaces from this rough treatment.
Cain throws Abel’s sack aside and pulls up Abel’s clothing, revealing his back.
Cain pulls out a flint from his back and breaks off a small branch from the tree.
Cain lights the branch and shines it on Abel’s back, revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.
Shake up the structure a little bit to make it pop more - just spit balling, bit something like:
Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders, roughly turns him round.
A grimace from Abel as Cain and pulls up Abel’s clothing, baring his back.
CAIN Be still.
The SNAP of a twig as Cain breaks it from a tree. He strikes a flint on a rock and lights the branch.
Cain shines the light on Abel’s back, revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.
Not exactly that - the point being, sometimes XX did this, XX does that can drag down a read - you can make it more interesting by breaking that pattern.