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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Crystal Demon
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Don
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Crystal Demon by Tyler King - Short, Horror - A crystal meth user becomes haunted by his own addiction. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Steven
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to comment as I read, then end with a thought about it as a whole...

-Don't say Pandora specifically, maybe substitute that with "He streams music on his phone."

-There is no way to show that he USED to be better looking/in good shape unless you actually show that. Plus, the various drug related things gets the message across.

I get what you're going for - the demon is a creation of his own drug use - but it's a little too on the nose. I'm not one to judge on the style of action lines, though yours do read like prose from a book rather than a simple "this happens, then that happens" approach...but that's your voice coming out I guess.

The story itself is fine, but you should stretch it out I think. A lot of the side effects with meth has more to do with voices, or the feeling of people watching you. Not too often do you get a physical embodiment of the person's paranoia.
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Fausto
Posted: November 22nd, 2017, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Tyler, good premises but scarcely explored. In my view, the script needs to be extended maybe with an analysis of the protagonist hallucinations and mental state. Also, I think that the word "fuck" is overplayed. It needs variation. Two pages are not enough to express the complexity of the concept. Work on it.
My best,
Fausto
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Tyler King
Posted: November 28th, 2017, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steven
The story itself is fine, but you should stretch it out I think. A lot of the side effects with meth has more to do with voices, or the feeling of people watching you. Not too often do you get a physical embodiment of the person's paranoia.


The Demon was basically representing the drug itself. It really has nothing to do with side effects or anything like that, I believe meth is evil and thatís what I was trying to portray it as... maybe I should/could expand on this a little more and make it a little more clear. Thank you both for the feedback, though, I appreciate it
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RichardR
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

First impression is that you're giving us information the audience won't see as in six pack abs that have turned to mush.  unless you're going to flash a photo or something, no one will know that.  

Also, I might suggest that if it's a crystal demon, make it a crystal demon, not some furry thing with horns.  It could be glass-like, sharp and dangerous and wicked.  But that's me.

Best
Richard
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Tyler King
Posted: December 10th, 2017, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Some notes.

First impression is that you're giving us information the audience won't see as in six pack abs that have turned to mush.  unless you're going to flash a photo or something, no one will know that.  

Also, I might suggest that if it's a crystal demon, make it a crystal demon, not some furry thing with horns.  It could be glass-like, sharp and dangerous and wicked.  But that's me.

Best
Richard


Itís called The Crystal Demon, as in crystal meth.

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Dustin
Posted: December 10th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I like Richard's idea better.
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Tyler King
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I like Richard's idea better.


To each their own.
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bert
Posted: December 26th, 2017, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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If you are going to have a blank television -- and use that specific Bonnie Tyler song -- not having a few random video clips pop up on the tube may be a lost opportunity.



Damn video always gave me the creeps.  Seriously.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Tyler King
Posted: December 26th, 2017, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to reply with a sarcastic comment. Much appreciated
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bert
Posted: December 27th, 2017, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tyler King
Thanks for taking the time to reply with a sarcastic comment. Much appreciated


I wasn't being sarcastic, tho.

Were I writing this piece -- and using that song -- demon-possessed choirboys would certainly be part of the proceedings.  You might disagree, of course.

Nevertheless, apologies if you interpreted my comment as mean-spirited.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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colkurtz8
Posted: December 27th, 2017, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Tyler

Pretty much echoing what others have said in that 2 page scripts tend to not amount to much. Anything of this length usually only works if its a quick, clever set up and pay off, akin to a sketch.

The scene is set vividly, albeit familiar from standard depictions of people consumed and isolated by hard drug use, the squalor and hopelessness is writ large. Unfortunately, the haunting part offers nothing new.

I think Richard's idea of having the demon's actual appearance evoking the drug itself could be explored or perhaps its too on the nose.

This could make for a striking opening scene or tragic final one (recalls Mulholland Dr. a little) within a bigger story but as a standalone piece, it just feels like a fragment preaching the "drugs are bad" mantra. Thus, it lacks any nuance or impact.

Col.


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