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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  A Night's Drive
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  Author    A Night's Drive  (currently 521 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Night's Drive by Kyle Amos - Short, Thriller - A peaceful night drive, turns deadly. 9 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Kyle,

A few suggestions and observations and suggestions for you.

With your sluglines/scene headings:

Make sure to put the primary location first and the secondary second.
Example:
INT.BATHROOM/JESUS HOUSE-NIGHT
-Should be,
INT. JESUS HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Make sure to give your work a read out load to see if you have repetitions and to just see how it sounds out loud.
Example:
The Jacket from the movie “Drive” hangs in the
closet; Jesus pulls the jacket out of the
closet, to lay it on the bed with a pair of
gloves on top. He looks at the jacket, with a
grin.
-You don't need to tell us the jacket is in the closet and then he grabs the jacket from the closet. We get it.
-It doesn't read well when you read it out loud.
-I would write it as,
The Jacket from the movie “Drive” hangs in the
closet. Jesus pulls it out and lays it on down on the bed. He tosses a pair of gloves on top, steps back and looks at the jacket, with a
grin.
-Actually while on the subject, are we in the bathroom? Should be be in the bedroom instead.
-The slug should read as,
INT. JESUS HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Typos:
They happen to all of us.
Example:
Jesus gets into his, custom 1970 Plymouth-Hemi
Cuda(black). Puts on the song “Nightcall” by
Kavinsky. And, drive off into the night.
-Should be,
Jesus gets into his, custom 1970 Plymouth-Hemi
Cuda(black). Puts on the song “Nightcall” by
Kavinsky. And, drive(s) off into the night.
Example:
While driving, Jesus dances to the music. Until
he stops at a red light. When stopped, two men
in ski-masks; gets into the backseat. Hearing
them, Jesus considers the rear-view mirror.
-Should be,
While driving, Jesus dances to the music. Until
he stops at a red light. When stopped, two men
in ski-masks; get into the backseat. Hearing
them, Jesus considers the rear-view mirror.

Keep writing.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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Marcela
Posted: December 4th, 2017, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kyle, I love the title and logline, that's why I started reading. But you seem to like commas a bit too much, I find it distracting.  Have you got anybody who could help you with the punctuation or anybody who could proofread your work?


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PabloM
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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The general idea sounds good to me. perhaps taking more of the movie drive, yet i felt into the movie perspective for a work which promise enhance action shots and dramatic issues.
You can take a look to my scripts 'On the road' and 'Curst' thriller and mystery respectively.
Bests.
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