writing could do with some tightening up. Youíve obviously read scripts and taken note but more often than not, sentences are a little unwieldy and run on too long...like this one The
dialogue read very on the
nose in parts, too explanatory and stilted, not the
way people talk. It lacks any subtext really, everything is put out on front street.
I want a helicopter!
- Ha, a standout line, made me laugh.
Character-wise I did like Emmaís determination. Her perseverance was admirable and makes for a compelling protagonist to follow. However misguided, naive and headstrong she was, it made me curious to see what would become of her. The
rant which gives the
script its title had more than a kernel of truth to it also.
Unfortunately every male character was one dimensional. With the
dimension being some variant of horrible, exploitative, sleazy or controlling, not much to wrestle with the
re as a reader. Its writ large that the
se are not be trusted and thatís it, no nuance or shading of any kind. Meanwhile, Abigail, the
r substantial female character, is good and wholesome.
As a result, the
script has a misandrous feel which didnít sit well with me and is frankly uninteresting. It seems like the
writer has a biased agenda othe
r than telling the
ir story and does it no favours.
In terms of the
story, you have something interesting here, a rebellious girl heading to the
big city in search of her place in the
world. Sure itís not original but itís an intriguing premise with endless possibilities.
However, within the
first few pages I had a handle on the
tone and sensed where this was going before, I reckon, you wanted us to. I just knew it would be one degrading episode after anothe
title doesnít help in this regard) as Emma descends into squalor and gets swallowed up by the
indifferent metropolis and its (seems to me, exclusively male) rapacious denizens. Again, nothing new here, weíve seen this a million times.
To your credit, the
re is a wrinkle in the
final scene that I didnít see coming, a resolve and stubbornness on Emmaís part that I dug but during the
course of her story I wonder could you include some glimmers of light, twist and turns to alleviate the
depressing mood. Even if itís only fleeting, it would enrich the
story and give it more depth, more colour. Make it seem less like a uniformly downward trajectory, from point A to point B, with zero deviation.
As itís written, she just gets beaten down again and again until she gives in and rings home. That doesnít make for interesting drama, comes off more like a procession. Gives it an air of inevitability thus predictability which I donít think you want. Abigail does provide some solace but it feels incidental, tokenistic.
Not a bad job overall but could do with some work, particularly in relation to dialogue and characterisation which in turn will elevate the