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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Biggest Scam
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Don
Posted: December 10th, 2017, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Biggest Scam by Marcela - Short, Drama - A young woman driven by her desire to make something of herself makes a leap into the unknown. She is naive, jobless and homeless, and she is going to learn the hard way. 19 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marty
Posted: December 11th, 2017, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Marcela,

I'm not the greatest at loglines so I'm sure that others could help you out more but yours reads a little rough. Especially the second half of She is naive, jobless and homeless, and she is going to learn the hard way. That is almost like a tagline. I would argue that A young woman driven by her desire to make something of herself makes a leap into the unknown is a more desirable logline because it adds more of a mystery factor.

Just a heads up that you forgot the title page. Not sure if that was intentional or not but I wanted to let you know in case it was by accident.

Use...
FADE IN.
FADE OUT.
...or some variation of it.

I am not sure you need to underline you on page one to empathize it. I get what you are trying to do but I'm not sure it is necessary.

Abigail laughs. Itís a bubbly laugh.
-You could easily change this to,
Abigail laughs a bubbly laugh.

Watch out for speaking to the reader.
-I do this a lot too. But just figured I would point it out for you.
Example:
Emma looks at Josh questioningly. Is he sarcastic or
genuine?
-You could eliminate the second part. It is implied in your first part.

Best of luck with all your current and future projects.

And keep writing!

All the best,
Marty
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Marcela
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Marty, thank you ever so much for your comments. Yeah, I forgot the title page!


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Marty
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Marcela,

You're welcome.

All the best,
Marty
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CharlesH
Posted: December 28th, 2017, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Such an up and down story. I felt her ambition to be creative. All of us on this website are trying to do that. I was hoping she wouldn't die before her father got to her although that would've made a powerful ending as well.

It's unfortunate that so many young women have to try to avoid porn in order to be famous so that was a nice angle. Two thumbs up.
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Marcela
Posted: January 7th, 2018, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Charles,
thanks a lot for your encouraging feedback. Maybe no woman (or man) should attempt to be famous! The goal should be to stay honest and real (and keep alive). By the way I am not strictly against porn (as long as it doesn't take over).
Thanks for reading!
M.


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eldave1
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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The ending didn't do it for me. It read like the beginning of the next act.

Logline suggestion:

Driven by a desire to break into the music biz, a naive young woman hitchhikes to London only to find the road less traveled is filled with potholes.

Or something like that


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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colkurtz8
Posted: February 20th, 2018, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Marcela

Technically the writing could do with some tightening up. Youíve obviously read scripts and taken note but more often than not, sentences are a little unwieldy and run on too long...like this one

The dialogue read very on the nose in parts, too explanatory and stilted, not the way people talk. It lacks any subtext really, everything is put out on front street.

PIG (O.S)
I want a helicopter!

- Ha, a standout line, made me laugh.

Character-wise I did like Emmaís determination. Her perseverance was admirable and makes for a compelling protagonist to follow. However misguided, naive and headstrong she was, it made me curious to see what would become of her. The rant which gives the script its title had more than a kernel of truth to it also.

Unfortunately every male character was one dimensional. With the dimension being some variant of horrible, exploitative, sleazy or controlling, not much to wrestle with there as a reader. Its writ large that these are not be trusted and thatís it, no nuance or shading of any kind. Meanwhile, Abigail, the only other substantial female character, is good and wholesome.

As a result, the script has a misandrous feel which didnít sit well with me and is frankly uninteresting. It seems like the writer has a biased agenda other than telling their story and does it no favours.

In terms of the story, you have something interesting here, a rebellious girl heading to the big city in search of her place in the world. Sure itís not original but itís an intriguing premise with endless possibilities.

However, within the first few pages I had a handle on the tone and sensed where this was going before, I reckon, you wanted us to. I just knew it would be one degrading episode after another (the title doesnít help in this regard) as Emma descends into squalor and gets swallowed up by the indifferent metropolis and its (seems to me, exclusively male) rapacious denizens. Again, nothing new here, weíve seen this a million times.

To your credit, there is a wrinkle in the final scene that I didnít see coming, a resolve and stubbornness on Emmaís part that I dug but during the course of her story I wonder could you include some glimmers of light, twist and turns to alleviate the depressing mood. Even if itís only fleeting, it would enrich the story and give it more depth, more colour. Make it seem less like a uniformly downward trajectory, from point A to point B, with zero deviation.

As itís written, she just gets beaten down again and again until she gives in and rings home. That doesnít make for interesting drama, comes off more like a procession. Gives it an air of inevitability thus predictability which I donít think you want. Abigail does provide some solace but it feels incidental, tokenistic.

Not a bad job overall but could do with some work, particularly in relation to dialogue and characterisation which in turn will elevate the story.

Col.


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Marcela
Posted: November 11th, 2018, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave and Col,
thanks a lot for your feedbacks. I found them today, after 10 months! Only because I haven't done any writing/reading scripts as I had to concentrate on earning money for living! (not by writing scripts as u may have guessed)
Marcela


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eldave1
Posted: November 11th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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