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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  Miss Yemmie - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Miss Yemmie - 2WC  (currently 1629 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Miss Yemmie by Hollis Brown - Short, Drama - The Soviet Union's plan to restart its failed Sputnik Program prompts the United States to build a new space center at the remote home of an aging prostitute. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Ahhh, how nice. Iím a little unsure about how I feel about the story, but itís a nice warm, happy ending. Dialogue in the beginning seems like it is in a rut, not bad but stuck in this place where it is too generic.

Yemmie is your strong point here, so thatís good. If you could bring that sort of depth to all your characters itíd help the rest of the script move along.

I wonít bother with hee-hawing over the plot, but the story doesnít have a lot of power. Itís nice, but I donít think it has potential for more than that.

Good job on the tough fight to submit.
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stevie
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Wow this one had it all! Thought it was a straight comedy for a sec. Loved the first half of the script. The way you had the chars talk and act was really indicative of the time and era. It was interesting too, learning about the space history stuff.

When we jumped to Miss Yemmie - the log mentions her and the title so we know there's gonna be kind of old pro in there lol - I started skimming. The story meandered a bit as I had invested so much interest in this town and its denizens. Some unsettling bits near the end but it sort of resolved ok and I was ok with the final line.

Very well written but was almost two scripts mixed into one as the Yemmie parts didn't really reflect the other issue for the town. Also the event changing wasn't a huge impact for other events but thats cool.

Great effort!


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JEStaats
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting little tale. Is there a Machipongo? I'll have to check that out.

Meets the challenge, I think. Sputnik failed but did it really change our (NASA) space race ambitions? Or did it just change the name of the space center?

The story was written well enough. I think it could have been condensed a bit but it still kept me reading until the end. Great job getting this completed and submitted in two weeks.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Writing these notes as I read.

NASA setting up headquarters in the house of an aging hooker is a great logline to perk my interest! The logline also covers the timeline change nicely so Iím all setup and ready to read this.

The first few pages are all exposition and didnít perk my interest though. Itís written in a bit too much detail for my personal tastes. We have guys sipping coffee, reading papers, a guy with a  pencil in his ear fidgeting in a chair and watching Baxter, the chief enters the room, takes his coat off, sits down and the rounds it off with the patting down of tossled black hair.  They then talk a lot in a manner which seems more for the audience's benefit.  

All of this combined makes for a substantial amount of screen time about a bunch of ordinary  guys discussing proposed development plans. Iíd cut to the chase earlier or make this more entertaining if possible.

Page 5 and we finally get to the aging hooker. For some reason this excites me. Hughes  lowering his earflaps doesnít excite me though

These descriptions would seem more at home in a novel.

Did Miss Yemmie really have a baby with President Kennedy and kill it by putting it on the stove to keep him warm? ThatísÖweird!

Hmmm, and this revelation saves the whorehouse and the space centre is built elsewhere.
Well Iím not sure what I was expected but it certainly wasnít that. I'm not really sure what I think of this. An interesting premise. Miss Yemmie is interesting. I'd have started with the guy visiting her house and have the conversation cover NASA'a plans. Maybe come up with a different tragic end for little Jimmy, one not so strangely comical.  

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark




For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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CameronD
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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This is a problem I've noticed that often comes up in shorts. There isn't much conflict. And 4 pages in I don't see any here yet. NASA is looking to build a space center on a small fishing town that may disrupt their way of life. It's a problem I guess but for the characters it's not much of a conflict. Now if one of them owned a fishing boat/company that will be damaged by the center that's better story wise. Also, this isn't the most interesting subject for a story no offense. I'm not saying we're on the level of watching paint dry here, but it isn't far off.

Also, would NASA leave the space center's creation up to a town vote?

The logline made this seem like a comedy but it's not super funny. It seems to be written straight. Very chatty. Cause thee's isn't much to do.

So Yemmie is a hooker who lives on an island in the way of the new space center? And?????

I don't get it. The script is very well written but the plot is absent. It seems like there's some kind of connection between Yemmie and JFK and the space port is a way to erase an old affair? Maybe? It's too vague as is.

I don't see who this is supposed to appeal to. Maybe it went completely over my head but I think for an absurd
idea like this to work you need to be over the top and make it completely ridiculous. Pass.


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the title or the logline, but I'll go in with an open mind.

Opening page is very well written and you know I don't say that very often.  Scene is set well and the visuals are excellent - wish there were more writers like this.

Dialogue is also well written and sounds very natural and real.  Well done!

Writing is very impressive, as is the way this is all set up.  Only issue I see are your Slugs, which are as little too detailed, but small complaint.

Wow...excellent...simply excellent IMO.  Finally, a script in this 2WC that is character based, easy to follow, extremely well written and actually quite touching.

Whoever wrote this should be very proud, as this is truly outstanding work for 2 weeks.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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khamanna
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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You have her as Miss Lemmie twice.

Wow, what a story. One thing I know - I would never be able to pull out something like this. She had a baby with Kennedy, right? Then she fried him?
And it's written so well that it makes great sense. Makes me think you can write anything, any crazy totally unbelievable idea - you can easily write it! Kennedy went for a mad woman. I mean she's mad wasn't she? Or maybe she got mad later when Jack left her.

Anyway this made me feel things and think... This is simply great.
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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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I'm torn.  Very moving story.  Don't care much for the topic.  Thought the idea of the
SPOILEERS
WHORE HOUSE was odd.  I can't imagine it'd play such a big role...

But, it was very moving.  

Good job on a really tough subject and the 2WC.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Title should be ALL CAPS.

"By" doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized.

Orphan on the first page. Don't overuse these.


Quoted Text
The mayor holds up [a] document


A-S-A-P or A-sap?


Quoted Text
Why the hurry, if I may ask[?]



Quoted Text
Kennedy found out the Soviets are trying yet again to launch their Sputnik satellite. He believes theyíll succeed this time.


Reads a little clunky. I'd tighten it up a bit.


Quoted Text
WALSTON
Old Sputternik.


I love this!


Quoted Text
we best get out of the god-damned way.


You don't really need the hyphen.


Quoted Text
The mayor raps his papers on the table top.


I didn't know they had rap in 1961. Is this the changed event? Buddy Holly's plane didn't crash and somehow rap became popular in the 60s?   Did you mean "wrap" instead? Either way, can't imagine (with a straight face) a mayor rapping.

Aging?? 48?? This must be before "cougars" and MILFs and all that stuff that the "cool kids" are doing nowadays. How old is that "Stacy's Mom" song?


Quoted Text
She makes a spitting sound.


Practicing her beatboxing for the mayor's next rap?  


Quoted Text
She seems [to] be gathering herself.


End of p9 Didn't see that coming, Wow.


Quoted Text
a small black-and-white television


Weren't all TVs black and white back then? Color TV didn't become popular until 1965.


Quoted Text
This is the CBS Evening News with Douglas Edwards.


Anachronism. It was CBS Television News until 1963, but we're already fucking with history, so who cares?

Wow. Great story. Not too many major issues. This challenge certainly wasn't the easiest for most people, so you deserve a pat on the back.


FADE IN:
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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I had a fundamental problem with this from the start: The idea that in a space race, the US Government would decide to build a whole space base from scratch.

Pretty much a guaranteed way to lose a race, I'd say!


I thought the dialogue, though trying my patience at times, was far more polished than other entries I've read.

Overall, I found the story more than a little silly, I'm afraid to say. It seems it's found a fan-base, so that's good.
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MarkItZero
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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I think you can cut down that meeting room scene a bit. Find some way to get into the scene later. Maybe the first line is Hughes or Walston angrily expressing their reservations. And you fill in exposition as you go while the argument continues.

I liked the stuff with Miss Yemmie, her dialogue, it was going good until that ending. I really think the ending sends this thing completely off the rails. I guess it was olden days and it's a rural, isolated area so maybe she wouldn't call a Doctor. And maybe she would heat a baby on a stove? But to keep the babies skeletal remains in a closet she would have to be deranged. I thought it had turned into a horror movie.

Why not just have the body be buried and she says "You tell those bastards if they want to dig up my house they'll have to start with Joe's son."

Final note, I think there's something interesting here with government and its grand ambitions colliding with a small town with no ambitions just struggling to survive. But the Miss Yemmie stuff veers off in such an odd direction I never got a feel for any overarching theme to any of it. Something to consider.

Solid effort for a week. You definitely did your research and the writing is sound.


That rug really tied the room together.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

P1 descriptions of places and characters are top

P2 yeah, Walston's dialogue at bottom is the problem; who would enjoy watching those construction feeding elementsÖ I mean, the whole scenarioÖ context is absurd

P6 descriptions still great, good atmosphere through detail

Around page break 8/9 I'm not completely sure if I get it right, reread it several times, but, do you hint at that one of the Kennedy's had an "affair"/was a "client" of Yemmie with a baby resulting from it? If so, bring it across clearer and not that obscure. It's more effective when understood directly I believe, to get a wow-effect. <- I see, there is/was a baby in fact.

Yeah, the preconditions hurt you.

The overall craft is very sharp, distinctive, and throughout qualified.

I like both main characters too. It's a pity that writers like you had to work in that senseless corset this time.

Well done.


No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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Spqr
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Great descriptions and solid dialogue. Plus, the story flows well. Blackmailing the president to choose another location for the launch facility and name it after the dead baby is a nice touch, but she killed the baby in the first place!

If youíre going to work on this further, I would definitely reconsider changing the babyís death to natural causes.
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Dustin
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Just from the log, I'm eagerly anticipating the content. Yemmie or Lemmie, make up your mind. Nice little story. It made me feel something and gave me a little shiver at the end. Nice job.
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