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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  The Broken Kingdom - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Broken Kingdom - 2WC  (currently 1145 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Broken Kingdom by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw) writing as Some Guy - Short, Fantasy, Historical - In an alternate timeline in which Guy Fawkes blew up parliament and overthrew the English monarchy, on its anniversary half a century later, a French-American businessman finds himself on the run with Scottish Freedom Fighters after he inadvertently commits an act of heresy. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 19th, 2018, 6:01pm
revised draft
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy, oh boy oh boy oh boy, oh boy.

I canít believe comedy wasnít included in your genre list, not that I died laughing, but because I found myself reading this in a comical tone.

It seems like there is a lot of personal taste in this script, so Iíll try to just stick to the feel of the script as a whole instead of breaking it down bit by bit.

It was a bit slapstick. It was fast. I personally enjoyed it, but not as a serious piece, as a cheap laughs comedy. Make a good cartoon I think.

Good job on making it this far!
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DanC
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I agree with HeyDAddystudios.  It was odd.  Funny, but, odd.

My biggest issue is the lack of suspension of disbelief.  If he's gonna go there, you'd think he'd do his research, especially with how oppressive the regime is.

SPOILERS

The dialog seemed funny.  But, we don't know why he went there, what the purpose was, or why the Scottish would even spy, much less help him.

I guess I didn't get the why.  I wonder if this is gonna be a consistent issue.  The reason for the story none of us, save the reader, will know.  

Perhaps we should have a section to explain what is different and why it's different.

I thought the opening dragged a bit too long.  

The story is very ambitious.  More so than mine, that's for sure.

Good luck and good job entering.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Guy Fawkes succeeding? Cool! Let's see where this goes... Ugh, the French take care of the colonies? Time to move.

A few missing commas and some abbreviations that should be spelled out (Mr. v. Mister).

Heh heh. This IS funny. Okay, loved this. Fix the the errors and mind those blasted rules, otherwise a great read. Great imagination you have. Kudos.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of little issues on page 1, not capping words (French), misspellings, awkward writing.

I'm not privy to Guy Fawkes or most likely anything this script is about, so I'm struggling early on for sure.

Page 2 - "An imposing empirical stone building. Felix clambers out of the taxi. He hands over several crumpled ten pound notes to the cabbie." - I often bring up such issues about breaking up passages properly - this is a great example, as it's really 3 separate throughts/shots and should be separated accordingly.

Lots of passive phrasing throughout.  Also, lots of slang I don't understand, not being from this neck of the woods.

In dialogue, any name or phrase used as a name MUST be set off with a comma or commas.

"passed" - "past" - at least 3 offenses so far.

OK, lots and lots of dialect I personally can't relate to, but kudos if it makes sense as written. I also don't understand the history or story, but overall, it's well done and ballsy, which I have to appreciate.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Ah Guy Fawkes, another script from a fellow Brit I suspect!

I remember as a kid going out a night with a stuffed boiler suit that was supposed to be Guy Fawkes asking for 'Penny for the guy'. We'd then throw it on the bonfire like some sort of weird Wicker Man cult. Sadly, this is a tradition kids don't seem to bother with these days, they just like shooting fireworks at each other.

So you tell us this event changed but not how we end up 500 years later in this situation. I imagine like many of these scripts (and my own) there's a lot of a backstory here that you can't get across. I can guess at some with the clues you've left in (like the Republic Mail rather than the Royal Mail) but I fear a lot of this will be lost on those unfamiliar with the UK and it's history, even if they have watched V for Vendetta.

As with all the entries in this OWC, I won't be downgrading any points simply because you've not explained centuries of historical and cultural changes!

As for the story, there's a tone shift from serious to comical in parts. This is fine and we see that a lot in TV programs these days, just be careful to get the balance right...which isn't easy.


I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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For me, it reads as some kind of parody. A Will Farrel type of comedy, very comical I must say.
Also, things happen at random. And I don't understand the world.
Felix is not very active, he doesn't do anything to free himself. He actually doesn't do anything throughout.
Angus is saving him. What for though? Felix just stared when Angus got tasered.
I don't know what the world is about - no saying "royalty" - I understand that the monarchy is overthrown but still even in a parody it can't go that far I think. Saying royalty is not the same as showing love for royalty. Even showing love for royalty can't be considered a criminal offense and if it does there should be some plausible explanation for it.
They can't say "mad cow decease" - I wonder why.
And then, why would Felix was treated like royalty - didn't understand that either.
I don't know - maybe I'm not reading this one with an open mind. I expected a different type of script for some reason.
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MarkItZero
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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That was pretty damn good. Some of this went over my head cuz I'm a dumb, ignorant American but even with that it was still entertaining. It moved fast and was quite funny. I don't know how you pulled this off, but you did.

Nice job.


That rug really tied the room together.
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LC
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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This is brilliant. So funny.

You need to label it comedy... Well, you don't actually need to, but you should.

So many funny and clever lines:

EMILIA
...The trick will be your voice. Can you
do a Scottish accent?
FELIX
Och, aye the nooh?

TRAMP
God may see all an Ďear all, but he
sure donít like the smell of shit. ...

Lots of finesse to the concocting of the story, and filmable to boot.
And a great ending too.

If only Peter Sellers was still around.

Thanks for the laughs, writer!

P.S. Your logline really doesn't do justice to your story. I'd be calling them 'smugglers' or 'freedom fighters' instead of 'terrorists'. Jmho.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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I know very little of Guy Fawkes outside of the V for Vendetta film adaptation.

The rhythm/meter of the rewritten poem is a little wonky. You should be going for more of a limerick meter. Set your poem to the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance. I like what you're trying to do with it, though: Paint Fawkes as a hero instead of a traitor/terrorist.

It should also be tagged as a SUPER. Normally, you wouldn't use italics in a screenplay.


Quoted Text
French[-]American



Quoted Text
An infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.


Unfilmable.

You should always capitalized French.

"Colonies?" Did we surrender to that tyrant, George III?


Quoted Text
Which Iím sure weíll be wanting back real soon.


Oh.


Quoted Text
Felix is engrossed in the outside world, he only hears the occasional snippet.


How do we know this? Show us.


Quoted Text
ďGOD SEES ALL, HEARS ALL.["]


Who's Penny? Who's Jimmy? King James? Is he one of those homeless religious zealots?

"Tramp" is too close to "Trump." Ugh. Don't we Americans get enough of that guy?


Quoted Text
Of course[,] my friends.



Quoted Text
watch[,] no doubt.


ALWAYS -- ALWAYS! -- offset with commas.

"Seventies" should be capitalized.


Quoted Text
Oh Felix, I really think [M-I-Six] has more important matters to attend to than us.


Spell out numbers and abbreviations, unless the number is ludicrously large. This is for timing reasons.


Quoted Text
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY


You have a couple orphans. Try to avoid these.


Quoted Text
Felix races [past]



Quoted Text
Oui, of course, but I pay it little attention. Thereís so much fake news, itís hard to know whatís real!


Let me help you, Felix. Anything on Fox News is fake news. You're welcome.

Wow. Nice twist in history. Possibly a worse President (of any country) than Trump?


Quoted Text
ashen[-]faced


King Charlie?? You mean old Chuck is finally King?


Quoted Text
Those people back there, w h ere they all donors?



Quoted Text
I am a simple man Emilia. I donít understand any of this, I just want off this crazy island[.] Can your King Charles arrange this?



Quoted Text
Och, aye the nooh?


WTF? That makes about as much sense as covfefe. Wow. Didn't know this was an actual phrase. Thought it was just some pseudo-Scottish gibberish. Even so, it's "noo," not "nooh."


Quoted Text
The soldier clocks, Felix who stares back.


Huh? Misplaced comma?


Quoted Text
Yer bumís oot the windae. Whitís fur yeíll no go past ye. Awa' an bile yer heid ya big jessie!


What the hell does this mean? How do you pronounce it?

I'm so lost on the Scottish dialect.

ICYDK: "Jammy" is UK slang for "lucky."

Wow. Didn't expect that twist-downer ending. I loved the story, and the writing could be tightened and polished. A very commendable effort. A script fit for a ki-- president!  


Malcolm Young
1953 ó 2017
We salute you
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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I like the comic quality of this tale. It has a Chaplin-Buster Keaton-Harold Lloyd feel at times, such as when poor Felix runs down the street, jumps in a manhole, winds up in an autopsy room, and on and on. Yes, Felix ought to have known the pitfalls awaiting him; after all, he knows enough to be worried when his wife mentions Mad Cow Disease. But, really, who cares? There are many funny lines, the pace is good, and you don't have to know much (if anything) about Guy Fawkes.
Thumbs up.
Henry

P.S. Just read a few earlier comments I hadn't seen before writing the above. Peter Sellers!  Great choice, Libby.



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Dustin
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Good. Not so sure the abolishment of the monarchy would have meant that we turned suddenly overly religious, but, rolling with it, it's a good tale. Nice work.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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First one down!

Hahaha, someone fed up of Brexit? The beginning of this actually seemed like a bit of a swipe at all the anti foreign nonsense in the Daily Mail, nice.

Comedy, it's definitely a comedy so it should be listed as one.

It's pretty funny in bits, but I'd actually say it's smarter than it is funny. The French American stuff, well thought out, the Scottish/English stuff is a natural comedy vehicle, as is a Frenchman attempting the accent.

A few typos in there but nothing to be overly concerned with, fulfilled the challenge parameters and was a good ride, definitely never boring and inspite of the slapstick humour it held together well.

Good job!

Cam

P.S. Coincidentally the tune Failed Olympic Bid by Future of the Left came on at the same time as I was reading it, and it added to the absolute madness and anarchy. If it was Total Eclipse of the Heart I don't think it would add much, but for whatever reason FOTL seems to fit...


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
Mother Nature's Joke - https://tinyurl.com/mncf7am
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SteveUK
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this - very creative & funny throughout. It had the usual OWC issues of typos, grammaticals etc., but other than that I thought this was pretty well written.

The only problems that stood out for me were Felixís character description - Iím not against unfilmables in character intros if it reveals something important about the character that canít be shown visually, but you have ĎAn infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.í which is backstory that is actually revealed by his wife a couple of pages later, which makes it redundant in his intro.

The other problem is that it is never really established as to why Felix is in England. What was the purpose of his trip? What was he there to sign? I think this definitely needs addressing in the rewrite.

There were a lot of nice touches throughout - Republic Mail, signing parchment with quills, Royal Marines as terrorists - that I really appreciated, and I thought the ending tied the things up really well. Well done!
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Spqr
Posted: February 3rd, 2018, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done! Sorry I can't come up with anything to help you improve it.
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