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The Broken Kingdom by Some Guy - Short, Fantasy, Historical - Set in an alternate timeline in which Guy Fawkes and his co-conspirators blew up parliament and overthrew the monarchy. On the 513th anniversary of this historical event, a French-American businessman, on his first visit to Great Britain, finds himself on the run and embroiled with terrorists after he inadvertently commits an act of heresy. 14 pages - pdf, format
Lots of little issues on page 1, not capping words (French), misspellings, awkward writing.
I'm not privy to Guy Fawkes or most likely anything this script is about, so I'm struggling early on for sure.
Page 2 - "An imposing empirical stone building. Felix clambers out of the taxi. He hands over several crumpled ten pound notes to the cabbie." - I often bring up such issues about breaking up passages properly - this is a great example, as it's really 3 separate throughts/shots and should be separated accordingly.
Lots of passive phrasing throughout. Also, lots of slang I don't understand, not being from this neck of the woods.
In dialogue, any name or phrase used as a name MUST be set off with a comma or commas.
"passed" - "past" - at least 3 offenses so far.
OK, lots and lots of dialect I personally can't relate to, but kudos if it makes sense as written. I also don't understand the history or story, but overall, it's well done and ballsy, which I have to appreciate.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Ah Guy Fawkes, another script from a fellow Brit I suspect!
I remember as a kid going out a night with a stuffed boiler suit that was supposed to be Guy Fawkes asking for 'Penny for the guy'. We'd then throw it on the bonfire like some sort of weird Wicker Man cult. Sadly, this is a tradition kids don't seem to bother with these days, they just like shooting fireworks at each other.
So you tell us this event changed but not how we end up 500 years later in this situation. I imagine like many of these scripts (and my own) there's a lot of a backstory here that you can't get across. I can guess at some with the clues you've left in (like the Republic Mail rather than the Royal Mail) but I fear a lot of this will be lost on those unfamiliar with the UK and it's history, even if they have watched V for Vendetta.
As with all the entries in this OWC, I won't be downgrading any points simply because you've not explained centuries of historical and cultural changes!
As for the story, there's a tone shift from serious to comical in parts. This is fine and we see that a lot in TV programs these days, just be careful to get the balance right...which isn't easy.
I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!
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For me, it reads as some kind of parody. A Will Farrel type of comedy, very comical I must say. Also, things happen at random. And I don't understand the world. Felix is not very active, he doesn't do anything to free himself. He actually doesn't do anything throughout. Angus is saving him. What for though? Felix just stared when Angus got tasered. I don't know what the world is about - no saying "royalty" - I understand that the monarchy is overthrown but still even in a parody it can't go that far I think. Saying royalty is not the same as showing love for royalty. Even showing love for royalty can't be considered a criminal offense and if it does there should be some plausible explanation for it. They can't say "mad cow decease" - I wonder why. And then, why would Felix was treated like royalty - didn't understand that either. I don't know - maybe I'm not reading this one with an open mind. I expected a different type of script for some reason.
That was pretty damn good. Some of this went over my head cuz I'm a dumb, ignorant American but even with that it was still entertaining. It moved fast and was quite funny. I don't know how you pulled this off, but you did.
I know very little of Guy Fawkes outside of the V for Vendetta film adaptation.
The rhythm/meter of the rewritten poem is a little wonky. You should be going for more of a limerick meter. Set your poem to the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance. I like what you're trying to do with it, though: Paint Fawkes as a hero instead of a traitor/terrorist.
It should also be tagged as a SUPER. Normally, you wouldn't use italics in a screenplay.
An infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.
You should always capitalized French.
"Colonies?" Did we surrender to that tyrant, George III?
Which Iím sure weíll be wanting back real soon.
Felix is engrossed in the outside world, he only hears the occasional snippet.
How do we know this? Show us.
ďGOD SEES ALL, HEARS ALL.["]
Who's Penny? Who's Jimmy? King James? Is he one of those homeless religious zealots?
"Tramp" is too close to "Trump." Ugh. Don't we Americans get enough of that guy?
Of course[,] my friends.
watch[,] no doubt.
ALWAYS -- ALWAYS! -- offset with commas.
"Seventies" should be capitalized.
Oh Felix, I really think [M-I-Six] has more important matters to attend to than us.
Spell out numbers and abbreviations, unless the number is ludicrously large. This is for timing reasons.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY
You have a couple orphans. Try to avoid these.
Felix races [past]
Oui, of course, but I pay it little attention. Thereís so much fake news, itís hard to know whatís real!
Let me help you, Felix. Anything on Fox News is fake news. You're welcome.
Wow. Nice twist in history. Possibly a worse President (of any country) than Trump?
King Charlie?? You mean old Chuck is finally King?
Those people back there, w h ere they all donors?
I am a simple man Emilia. I donít understand any of this, I just want off this crazy island[.] Can your King Charles arrange this?
Och, aye the nooh?
WTF? That makes about as much sense as covfefe. Wow. Didn't know this was an actual phrase. Thought it was just some pseudo-Scottish gibberish. Even so, it's "noo," not "nooh."
The soldier clocks, Felix who stares back.
Huh? Misplaced comma?
Yer bumís oot the windae. Whitís fur yeíll no go past ye. Awa' an bile yer heid ya big jessie!
What the hell does this mean? How do you pronounce it?
I'm so lost on the Scottish dialect.
ICYDK: "Jammy" is UK slang for "lucky."
Wow. Didn't expect that twist-downer ending. I loved the story, and the writing could be tightened and polished. A very commendable effort. A script fit for a ki-- president!
I like the comic quality of this tale. It has a Chaplin-Buster Keaton-Harold Lloyd feel at times, such as when poor Felix runs down the street, jumps in a manhole, winds up in an autopsy room, and on and on. Yes, Felix ought to have known the pitfalls awaiting him; after all, he knows enough to be worried when his wife mentions Mad Cow Disease. But, really, who cares? There are many funny lines, the pace is good, and you don't have to know much (if anything) about Guy Fawkes. Thumbs up. Henry
P.S. Just read a few earlier comments I hadn't seen before writing the above. Peter Sellers! Great choice, Libby.
Hahaha, someone fed up of Brexit? The beginning of this actually seemed like a bit of a swipe at all the anti foreign nonsense in the Daily Mail, nice.
Comedy, it's definitely a comedy so it should be listed as one.
It's pretty funny in bits, but I'd actually say it's smarter than it is funny. The French American stuff, well thought out, the Scottish/English stuff is a natural comedy vehicle, as is a Frenchman attempting the accent.
A few typos in there but nothing to be overly concerned with, fulfilled the challenge parameters and was a good ride, definitely never boring and inspite of the slapstick humour it held together well.
P.S. Coincidentally the tune Failed Olympic Bid by Future of the Left came on at the same time as I was reading it, and it added to the absolute madness and anarchy. If it was Total Eclipse of the Heart I don't think it would add much, but for whatever reason FOTL seems to fit...
I really liked this - very creative & funny throughout. It had the usual OWC issues of typos, grammaticals etc., but other than that I thought this was pretty well written.
The only problems that stood out for me were Felixís character description - Iím not against unfilmables in character intros if it reveals something important about the character that canít be shown visually, but you have ĎAn infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.í which is backstory that is actually revealed by his wife a couple of pages later, which makes it redundant in his intro.
The other problem is that it is never really established as to why Felix is in England. What was the purpose of his trip? What was he there to sign? I think this definitely needs addressing in the rewrite.
There were a lot of nice touches throughout - Republic Mail, signing parchment with quills, Royal Marines as terrorists - that I really appreciated, and I thought the ending tied the things up really well. Well done!