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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  The 13th Generation - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The 13th Generation - 2WC  (currently 560 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The 13th Generation by E Pluribus Unum - Short, Comedy, Satire - Texting obsessions takes over a company's communication as a car designer gets a promotion.  15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ajr
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Have to confess, I started skimming after page 7. Was looking for the event in history that didn't happen and I'm afraid I didn't catch it. Could be me though. Interested to see the other comments.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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stevie
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Yep I started skimming at that time too ajr. Obviously its a comedy about texting becoming bigger than it is now (I think)  But it wasn't funny.

I will read it through later


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JEStaats
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm...this is odd. Punctuation really needs attention. A lot of missing commas and a 1 instead of an !. Or is that part of the style here because it's all about texting? Also Dave's age (0's). Kinda young, eh? To pg. 5 with a lot of unfilmables.

Greta raises n eyebrow. Ouch.

Pg. 12 and I'm totally lost. The dialog makes zero sense to me. I guess I don't text enough to understand?

So many ?? above my head right now. Not sure what I just read - Sorry.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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I struggled to follow this and I don't know what the event was or what has changed.

It started off as a decent exploration of what a busy office run by very stereotypical millennials would be like. That section was annoying, but I guessed this was the entire point and was going along with it.  However, once they started talking about the car I felt myself skimming and drifting off more and more and completely lost the plot. We didn't even get to see what was in the box!

So sorry, I must have missed the text on this one.

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Title page looks terrible, sorry to say, but a very bad start, IMO.

Opening passage shows a style that annoys me to no end...uh. oh...let's see of I can stay in...

So, David's age is "0's"?  WTF?

Nope...not for me.  I'm out very early.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  February 2nd, 2018, 9:39am
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Are we sure this is an actual entry?
I mean, I even went through it twice. Nothing.




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khamanna
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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I I think you need more conflict in your scenes.

And also either make characters matter or get rid of them completely. You keep introducing them, and you tell us something about them but they keep disappearing without making a difference and/or bringing anything to your story.
The way you written your story makes me think it's a bit thin, but maybe it's not. You got me lost there in the middle and I found myself spacing out a couple times - that might be the reason I didn't understand it. Make it about someone, get rid of a bunch of people and think of the point you want to make - I should tell it myself as well.
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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I didn't get it.  It was almost exhausting to read.  

I really can't add much more than everyone else already has.  Sorry.

I don't know what event was changed.  I honestly don't know what I read.  Again, really sorry.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Addition to my comments from yesterday:

The "change" in this script (maybe) is that Thunderbird did not cease production in 2005 during the so-called Eleventh Generation of the model. Hence the title, signaling some period in the future.

This appears to be the backdrop for the story involving text-obsessed workers. The dialogue isn't bad -- nutty but not bad.

P.S.
Pontiac, also in the script, ceased production a few years ago.



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FrankM
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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My guess is that the Silicon Valley tech nexus is in Detroit for some reason, so an auto company is basically full of Millennial snowflakes.

The main character starts off as David, but the story then gets wrapped up in Wilson's reaction. It's got the same kind of meandering plot vibe of a Terry Gilliam dystopian comedy... which really only start to make sense well after the credits roll. But this story would need to be even more over-the-top than it is to pull that off.

It might have worked better if the office was a spacious ergonomic Nirvana... and the Millennials still couldn't be bothered to communicate verbally.
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StevenClark
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Sorry, but Iím out at page 4. This, so far, doesnít seem to be going anywhere, and if it is then I apologize. But what you have so far has no story, no set up to keep me invested. Not to mention cheesy asides that add absolutely nothing.  I figure by this time there might be something to keep me going, but sadly, there is not. Hope Iím not coming off too harsh, as maybe this is a serious entry you spent a lot of time on. Doesnít feel like it, but I wonít find out. Again, I hope you understand.

Steve


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LC
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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According to the authors of the book, 13th Gen: Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?, everyone born between 1961-1981 belongs to the 13th Generation...  And they're a self centred, self obsessed, empty vacuous generation.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/603741.13th_Gen

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_F-Series_(thirteenth_generation) And the link to the car. ?

Perhaps I'm grasping at straws...

Is this meant to be about the generation that took over? Nobody exists outside of this generation and now they run the world?

What big event happened to effect this change I don't know but I sure am glad I don't inhabit a world with nobody older than this generation still living.

Satire wise I think the author nails a lot of popular culture.

Amusing in places, (not exactly laugh out loud) but some good characterisations. Just a little discombobulated in terms of actual story, and typos point to it being rushed, but there's an original idea here with a writer's keen observation skills.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Title page doesn't work. Everything should be 12pt Courier (or Courier New, or whatever Courier font your software uses). Also, drop the bold and italics. Very poor start right out of the gate.


Quoted Text
happy bubblegum [one word][-]chewing KAYSLEE (20s)



Quoted Text
DAVID (0s) strolls through the doors.


Wait, so David is an infant? Zero seconds old? Did he just pop out of his mother's womb?

Careful with those asides. Make sure they're filmable.


Quoted Text
DAVID
They already know, but thanks.


Aw. How cute. Baby's first words. That's one smart newborn!

And he knows how to text, too!


Quoted Text
DAVID
I got your text yesterday, but I'll let him know.


Yesterday?! He's 13 seconds old!

I think ELEVATOR should be a full slug.


Quoted Text
WILSON
David.

DAVID
Wilson.


Aw. How cute. Baby's first friend.


Quoted Text
WILSON
Get her text


Incomplete sentence. No punctuation.


Quoted Text
DAVID
Yes. Thanks for the heads up.


The little tyke's got a big vocabulary.


Quoted Text
WILSON
Didn't say you were. If you were, I'd be late too.
(pause)
Dammit! Son of a bitch!


Not in front of the kid! Cover your ears, Davey. Those are adult words. You can't say them until you're older.

Who's bitch1?


Quoted Text
DAVID
What happened?


That's what I'd like to know!

Isn't Cake Wars a reality show? Who cares if someone spoils it?


Quoted Text
I'll burn your house down[,] asswipe! Come down here to Detroit[,] bitch, show you what's up!


Cake [W]ars.

David can walk already?

New York Stock [E]xchange.

What budget are you aiming at? Feature film?

A baby wearing a suit? I wish I could stop making baby jokes, but... I don't know how old he's supposed to be.


Quoted Text
(a "have not")


Why is this a parenthetical? Is this how s/he reads the line?

There's literally a swamp inside the building? WTF am I reading?

An interruption should be two hyphens.


Quoted Text
BROOKE (CONT'D)
Congratulations on your promotion! WeÔŅĹll do coffee!


Let me get this straight! A newborn baby can already talk, walk, and text; wears a suit; has a job; and drinks coffee? I can't go on. This is worse than Signal Fire, sorry to say. Plus, I have no clue what the event is.


Malcolm Young
1953 ó 2017
We salute you
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Spqr
Posted: February 3rd, 2018, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Something happened in San Francisco 30 years ago that resulted in Archimedes moving to Detroit, where they apparently bought General Motors, because GM owns the Pontiac brand, and they also bought Ford, because Ford owns the Thunderbird brand. Did an earthquake level Frisco?

The younger people can only communicate through their cell phones, and the older ones arenít that much better.  Our society is already there, so I donít see where history had to be different to get here.  I liked the snappy exchanges between the attention deficit disordered, and Wilsonís character is great. Build something around him!
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