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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  Full Circle - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Full Circle - 2WC  (currently 1403 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Full Circle by Don't Need No Stinkin' Logline - Short, Drama - {no logline}  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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CameronD
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Why no logline? Did you forget? Deliberate?

Great way to set the story with the opening scene. Props.

So all these clips? The absence of slugs make it seems as if we are watching them on TV or in the studio? But the way they are written almost seems as if they should be their own scenes.

Dangit. Pg 6 and so far you've devoted pages to a reunion tease. If John is alive I want to see how he changed the world. Not all these band getting back together teasing. If this is a newscast and it's all they have to say about the man's legacy I'm thinking there wasn't much of one. You're not showing me anything great here.

Pg. 8 and now it seems John is finally ready to change the world. This is a short. Why so long?

Nope never mind. Now he's dead and we're viewing the memorial. All the great things he did and people he met are being talked about but we do not see them. Why did you not show the meeting with Gorbachev? Receiving the nobel prize? Getting the band back together seems to have been the least important part of his story yet it's what you spent the most time on.

The 9/11 moment at the end is nice and smart. Where was that during the rest of the script?

Dialogue and interaction between the Beatles sounded good. I'm no fan but I from what I know they came across as aloof and  half serious so good on that. Make sure to CAP new charterers when we see them first.

A good idea that sadly goes nowhere. Hence the title? Had you shown John traveling the world Quantum Leap style righting the wrongs of the past you may have had a script. Just imagine that.


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Sam
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Beatles fan-fiction? lol.

Your writing is very good and formatting was spot on. It’s very difficult to write scenes through the lens of a news report so well done.

I also had a lot of fun reading the dialogue with a thick Scouse accent. I thought you captured their voices really well and their famous wit.

It was a fun read but i think the fact that you are such an obvious Beatles fan was sometimes an issue.
It did tend to drift into a fans fantasy of the band. I really like the Beatles but boy did they have some character flaws (please don’t hate me, that is definitely just my opinion). There was no conflict, everything was perfect.

The trouble with telling the story through a news report is that it is just that, a report. It delivers information but not character.
Its an interesting question “what would John be like if he had survived?”. Maybe he would have fixed some of those character flaws? Maybe he would have treated Julien better? Maybe he would have treated poor Yoko better? and maybe he would have fixed his relationships with his old band mates?

A great opening would have been to show John surviving the assassination attempt from Marky-Mark chapman.

Anyway, it was a fun read its nice to read something from someone who is so passionate about the subject matter. Though, a more objective look would have strengthened the story.

My favourite songwriter is Loudon Wainwright who does a great song called “Not John” about the day he died. Worth a listen.

Well done for writing this in a week and I’m sorry if i come across as a “Blue Meanie”….. Get it?


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Sam
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Just read CameronD’s comment regarding a story where John Lennon quantum leaps, righting the wrongs of the past.
Now that is a million dollar idea.


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ajr
Posted: January 27th, 2018, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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I  know whose story this is. Wish I had finished mine on time because parts of this are very similar to an idea I'm working on. Oh well. Good job writer.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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DanC
Posted: January 28th, 2018, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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I was in High School when he was assassinated.  We found out at lunchtime.  The entire cafeteria went silent and we had an impromptu moment of silence for the great one.

There's a lot of work here, but, in my opinion, it doesn't do anything.  It's a recap of his life and some tertiary events of his life.  I would have preferred to see a tiny into of him surviving the attempt, then jumps in time to show what he did.

I find it unlikely he could have prevented 9/11 and would have loved to have seen how or why you think that could have happened.  

Also, I don't think you had an actual date for the day he died in the story.

Hey, I read that Quantum leap idea.  That's gold.  How about 2 celestial beings debate altering his fate because of what he will do, like in "It's a wonderful Life" but ultimately decide not to.  That's a million dollar story.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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The Beatles, Andy Peebles & Michal Parkinson all in one script, this is definately one by a fellow Brit lol!

I seem to remember someone asking if we could show this event not happening and could the story be about the event itself. The answer was no, the story was supposed to be set after the event in this new timeline but not directly connected. This script is directly about the change and features it, so not sure it 100% meets the criteria but that's a minor quibble.

The moment with the dove at the end is a prime example of what this script could have been. To say John Lennon's message of peace helped prevent 9/11 and a score of other events with such a visual element was masterful. Sadly though, the rest of the script is simply one long exercise in exposition told via news reports with lots of dialogue. So much so, that I started skimming and drifting off.  You get the Beatles characterizations spot on and I could imagine them saying those lines, but this feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity when it has the potential to be so much more.

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it's a bit talkie, but, at the same time it's entertaining.

I love the premise - you changed a big event - John, alive and well and actively working on peace projects, then dying young again, but even so. If he'd survived, well we all 'imagine' what would be...

You've got the characters and their voices down pat, but for me some of it feels longer than its page count, (like an altered biodrama)  not an actual focused story with goals, conflict, an end point etc. Make sense?


SPOILERS AHEAD:




Worth writing and reading however for the powerful and beautiful images at the end. The mosaic of Imagine,  but mostly the dove flying high over the Twin Towers. You really made me feel emotional with that image, so well done, writer!

I'm of two minds whether the mother/daughter dialogue is necessary though... I preferred the image of the bird soaring overhead and the newspaper lifting with the gust of wind.

Nice job.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So...why couldn't you think of a logline?It didn't have to be anything fancy.

Overall, this is an interesting concept, and while I think the tribute itself takes way too long for a National news broadcast - and only glances over his accomplishments prior to the altered timeline (and even avoids Lennon's controversies, his first wife etc.) and I don't know if the peeps are going to knock you on "a spring day"(p6) but I'm okay with that. Lennon now dies in April of 2001. Perfect.

Wait a minute,you ask.How do we know it's April?
It has to be. George Harrison had health issues and been in and out of hospitals since May 2001. Harrison passed that November.

No logline. Decent story.
Go figure.

I'm not sure if I'd play 'Imagine' over a sight over the World Trade Center. Yes, it's one of his most well known songs, but there some...interpretations of the song which are deemed anti-America. As it is, Lennon, dead or alive, could not delay or stop 9/11. Cry peace all you want, a terrorist /Osama Bin Laden would care less.


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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  January 30th, 2018, 9:03pm
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StevenClark
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Wow. I loved this. What a nice tribute to Lennon, I mean, just wow. For some reason this really resonated with me, and I think it captured the spirit of the challenge as well as delivering a message for peace, and what that could achieve across the world and across time. Not just Lennon, but peace itself. It could’ve been anyone delivering that message, but choosing Lennon just seems to have a greater impact because his life was so tragically cut short. So, I think this is a beautiful homage to him. I suppose we know the writer, too.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Title not centered.  Big deal?  Of course not, but title page just doesn't look very good.

Opening Slug missing a space after "INT."

"NEWSREADER"?  Is that an Aussie thang?

I like the opening here!

There are writing issues throughout, missing punctuation, incorrect tenses, even, but for some reason, I'm very intrigued and like what I'm reading.

Wow!  Really, REALLY GOOD!  Strangely powerful and emotional and your ending is quite brilliant.  You've also hit the challenge parameters, and written a script that is easy to follow and very heartfelt.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes, which you really need to come to understand and do away with, as something so nice as this script, shouldn't be bogged down by awkward writing.

Very surprised to say, this is easily in the top 2 for me.  Great job, Mate!  


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JEStaats
Posted: January 31st, 2018, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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This was my last read and a nice one to end with. Very touching with the thought of 'what could've been'. I was a senior in HS when it came across the intercom and remember it like it was yesterday.

Great flow and interaction. I can visualize the Fab Four having those conversations. Was the news coverage re: the Double Fantasy release taken from real footage or was it original? Just curious. Very quick read with no real complaints. Nice touch with Sept. 12th as well.

Great job and thanks for the memories!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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I would have capped JOHN LENNON when he and YOKO get out of the taxi.


Quoted Text
Oh[,] sure.


Mr. = Mister


Quoted Text
charity, a


i = I

Names interjected into sentences need to be offset with commas.

ok = okay

Decades and dates should be capitalized.

A lot of characters need CAPPING, but I'm so engrossed in the story.


Quoted Text
Line of work? Come on, man, this is not a job. This is a lifetime thing that we affects us all. It affects our children and their future.


Wow. Beautiful. So

SPOILERS

not only was Lennon not assassinated, but The Beatles reunited, we got world peace and 9/11 never happened.

One of the best ones I've read so far. Congratulations.


FADE IN:
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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At least three commenters have said they LOVE the Quantum Leap idea. No, no, no. It's a TERRIBLE idea.
On to the script as written --
I enjoyed this quite a bit. John's life as portrayed is believable. Could he have had this much impact? Maybe not, but the writer makes it fun to think about.
I have no complaints beyond the need for cleanup, etc. The pacing is fine with me, and the newscast structure does its job,

Henry



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Angry Bear
Posted: February 1st, 2018, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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My first of these scripts.

My reaction to this script after having finished. That was nice. It was nicely written, even though there were some format issues here and there. It didn't interfere with the reading and I was never confused, so I didn't care about those.

It read like a nice tribute by a news station to a famous person. Not exactly as a story in itself, if you know what I mean. The love of the Beatles by the writer comes off as a bit strong, IMO. Lots of talk between the band members and maybe getting together again and maybe going on tour. I honestly felt halfway in that this would end with them going on tour. I think I've read another script where that happened.  

I thought the ending was what saved this script. It was great. If you were to re-write this, which you're probably not, I would suggest focusing more on Lennon and what he did with his life that was so great and cut down on your own fantasy of the band getting together again.

Hope this helps.



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