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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Adventures of Hurley and Sal Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Adventures of Hurley and Sal  (currently 878 views)
Don
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Adventures of Hurley and Sal by James Brooks - Series, Action, Adventure - Battered, used, but never broken, two mercenary thieves and a crew of the oddest companions stumble about the world of Drean, in search of clues to their past and one step ahead of fate and a hangman's noose. 35 pages - pdf, format

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JudeS
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read too far into this because I am more distracted by the technical errors. You seem to be mixing a standard and a shooting script together.
-Don't number the scenes.

-Don't do things like "as the INN KEEPER sweeps around him, (STRAW BROOM SWEEPING) and kicks him " - You've already said the inn keeper is sweeping, don't reiterate the action. If it's important that it's a straw broom then say "the inn keep uses a straw broom to sweep around him." Otherwise, don't get caught up with calling out props or repeating yourself. This causes page-padding and gives an inaccurate sense of how long the run time might be.

-Don't give overly detailed scene identifies or a list of characters per scene like you did here:
1. EXT. MUDDIED STREET IN MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - MORNING
2. INT. DISHEVELED MEDIEVAL INN COMMON ROOM - DAY
HURLEY / INN KEEPER / SAL /SERVING WENCH
This should be:

EXT. VILLAGE STREET - MORNING
A grimy, battle scarred FOOT SOLDIERS trods through the muddied street of this medieval village and approaches the local MAGISTRATE.
INT. INN: COMMON ROOM - DAY
That's is. We have a basic idea that we're not present day from the first part.

You sometimes miss capitalizing the introduction of a character or you capitalize them after they've been introduced. Any time it's a new character that's going to be on screen put them in caps just the first time. For example, you mention:

A grimy, battle scarred foot soldier approaches the local
Magistrate with determined strides. The magistrate turns
slowly, expectantly, and gives the soldier a hard stare.

It should be FOOT SOLDIER and MAGISTRATE since we're seeing them both on screen and it's their first appearance. You put the magistrate in caps after this first introduction a few lines down when it should be written plainly.

- Using indicators for how the actor should deliver the line (like you have for Hurley (irritably) should be used sparingly because the actor will bring their own essence to the role. Too many notes on delivery isn't always a good idea.

- Never have the character name on one page and the dialogue on another. (page 1 into 2). Add another space so the name and the dialogue start on page 2. If the dialogue is big enough that it will span two pages use (continued).

This is a lot just on a single page. The biggest suggestion, which is a comment suggestion, is to read tons of other scripts. Find scripts across all genres and read them but focus on those in line with your piece. Remember, you're writing the story and giving the baseline for what's to come, you're not the director, actor, props master, and so forth so don't get muddled down with that in your script.  Also, plain and simple black-only title page. Remove the flourishes, the boxes, the fancy fonts, and the color. Again, reference other scripts - you may think this makes you stand out, and it does, but for all the wrong reasons.
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