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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Transference Moderators: bert
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  Author    Transference  (currently 789 views)
Don
Posted: March 4th, 2018, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Transference by Reagan Williams - Horror - A psychic woman moves in with a man and discovers that his estate is haunted by a ghost that looks just like her. 90 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Reagan - gave a read to the first ten. Overall - nice work here.


Quoted Text
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Shana is sitting up in bed with a breakfast tray in front of
her. She is no longer in soft restraints, but is still
handcuffed to her bed. The section of her head that was
shaved now has a couple millimeters of peach fuzz.


I would get rid of the ing word here. Just:

Shana sits up in bed with a breakfast tray....


Quoted Text
SUPER: EIGHT YEARS LATER

INT. DR. FORSTER’S OFFICE - DAY

Shana sits uneasily in a chair. In another world, she would
be beautiful, but in this one she is so gaunt and unadorned
by makeup, her skin so leathery and uncared for, her face so
fearful and desperate, that no combination of genes could
make her attractive


A SUPER has to be Superimposed over something. This should be formatted as:

INT. DR. FORSTER’S OFFICE - DAY

Shana sits uneasily in a chair. In another world, she would
be beautiful, but in this one she is so gaunt and unadorned
by makeup, her skin so leathery and uncared for, her face so
fearful and desperate, that no combination of genes could
make her attractive

SUPER: EIGHT YEARS LATER



Quoted Text
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Shana carries a tray to a table and sits. She looks out the
window. It’s night, and the window mostly reflects the
inside, but in the distance she can see a truck under a
street lamp.


Is this a flashback? If so, format as such. e.g., something like:

FLASHBACK - SHANA REMEMBERS - FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Shana carries a tray to a table and sits. She looks out the
window. It’s night, and the window mostly reflects the
inside, but in the distance she can see a truck under a
street lamp.

Anyway - for the most part - solid stuff


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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