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You May Come In - WT (currently 2006 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:07pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
You May Come In by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - A woman helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Steven |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:49am |
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New
LocationSouthern California Posts466 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Slightly confusing, and I don't see the sci-fi aspect here.
It was written well, with the exception of a few minor things that would certainly be ironed out if given more time.
Writing - 3.5/5 Story - 3/5
Total - 3.25 |
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Reply: 1 - 28 |
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ReaperCreeper |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:24pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts974 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
The writing here is decent, but there's some comma overuse that drove me nuts at times. Like: A tall MAN, in his forties, enters, eyes exude confidence and self-respect The commas between "in his forties" aren't grammatical on any level (at least not in this context). There are numerous grammatical errors that can't be boiled down to common talk either... Irene knew he was cheating but haven't had the heart to admit that to herself.
I don't see how the story is sci-fi at all, but maybe I'm missing something (if so, I'm sorry). It seems like a drama with ghosts to me.
I had my reservations about The Apparition, which seems to pair with this script, but The Apparition performs better in terms of sticking to the genre.
P.S. The page numbers are messed up. Easy fix. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 2 - 28 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
At first thought it was six pages - it's five - the numbers are off.
Not bad - do think you need a FLASHBACK for the first store scene.
I liked the premise. |
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Reply: 3 - 28 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:24pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I found this a bit hard to follow. Too much OTN and expository dialogue. I will try to come back to this one and provide some actual notes later on if I have the time. An interesting premise though. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 4 - 28 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:44pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
The strength of this short is the premise.
Definitely an idea worth exploring further.
Agree with others... don't see the sci-fi. That's a problem. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 5 - 28 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:41pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
In the beginning this felt like a Black Mirror episode but instead of a program gathering info it was a person. The one thing Black Mirror has though is sci-fi, something this script is seriously lacking.
I’m really not a fan of either script but I think the other one wins because it is closer to the criteria. |
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Reply: 6 - 28 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:02pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I loved this one. Great twist/reveal and ending. The title and her exasperation with her ability (unwanted?) go so well together. Great work for the time constraint.
Two thumbs up, for sure.
Just read the other reviews and realized that I missed the sci-fi requirement. Will that have an effect on how I vote? we'll see.... |
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Reply: 7 - 28 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:54pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
What a great little tale. I was too immersed in it to realize it was lacking the sci-fi aspect of it all. Unless we're all missing something here. Either way, I really enjoyed this. |
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Reply: 8 - 28 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:12am |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I didn't meet the parameters, so, that was unfortunate.
It was an interesting read. So, are they ghosts? I reread it and am still so confused.
Cool idea tho.
Dan |
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Reply: 9 - 28 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 2:28am |
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Guest User
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It's a talking heads script... could be way tighter, perhaps figure out a way to use subtext.
I like it though. I like the idea and the twist.
Writing: 2.5 Story: 4
3.25 |
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DarrenJamesSeeley |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:59am |
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January Project Group
LocationMichigan.USA Posts1522 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Some of the dialog is a bit odd. (" He was shot at job duty. " "February 14" should be either th at the end or simply Valentine's Day) I would chop Pedro's speech about leaving the living behind. Feels a bit forced to me.
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FrankM |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:52am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Fantastic premise and twist. Diction is a bit clunky, but I read her as speaking with an accent, so it's all good.
Telepaths are basically the magicians of sci-fi, but this is divination and doesn't fit in the sci-fi box for me.
It should be "The Man has a deer in the headlights look on his face." At first I thought it was an editing mistake. He should probably remain Man until Irene walks in the door. |
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Reply: 12 - 28 |
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ajr |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:06pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I liked this. Bit of an awkward transition. We find out that Pedro is Pedro in a narrative line. He should still be called "the man" there and once he's addressed as Pedro the character should read 1x PEDRO (MAN) and then PEDRO. So it was confusing for a moment.
Agree there is no sci-fi here, unless you count the fact that the protag can really see ghosts as sci-fi? So you have a ghost, a science fiction element, and of course suburbia. Not sure the other entrant ticks the box of suburbia and it's more of a vignette, so....
Nice job with this writer. |
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Reply: 13 - 28 |
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stevie |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:45pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
No sci-fi here so didn't meet the parameters. Very tough topic though. Was written ok except for the missing FLASHBACK but ultimately the zero sci-fi kills it. The other script is lucky in that regard lol |
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Reply: 14 - 28 |
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