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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  You May Come In - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You May Come In by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - A woman helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Slightly confusing, and I don't see the sci-fi aspect here.

It was written well, with the exception of a few minor things that would certainly be ironed out if given more time.

Writing - 3.5/5
Story - 3/5

Total - 3.25
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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The writing here is decent, but there's some comma overuse that drove me nuts at times. Like: A tall MAN, in his forties, enters, eyes exude confidence and self-respect
The commas between "in his forties" aren't grammatical on any level (at least not in this context). There are numerous grammatical errors that can't be boiled down to common talk either...  Irene knew he was cheating but haven't had the heart to admit that to herself.

I don't see how the story is sci-fi at all, but maybe I'm missing something (if so, I'm sorry). It seems like a drama with ghosts to me.

I had my reservations about The Apparition, which seems to pair with this script, but The Apparition performs better in terms of sticking to the genre.

P.S. The page numbers are messed up. Easy fix.

Revision History (1 edits)
ReaperCreeper  -  March 22nd, 2018, 11:21am
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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At first thought it was six pages - it's five - the numbers are off.

Not bad - do think you need a FLASHBACK for the first store scene.

I liked the premise.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I found this a bit hard to follow. Too much OTN and expository dialogue. I will try to come back to this one and provide some actual notes later on if I have the time. An interesting premise though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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The strength of this short is the premise.

Definitely an idea worth exploring further.

Agree with others... don't see the sci-fi. That's a problem.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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In the beginning this felt like a Black Mirror episode but instead of a program gathering info it was a person. The one thing Black Mirror has though is sci-fi, something this script is seriously lacking.

I’m really not a fan of either script but I think the other one wins because it is closer to the criteria.


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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I loved this one. Great twist/reveal and ending. The title and her exasperation with her ability (unwanted?) go so well together. Great work for the time constraint.

Two thumbs up, for sure.

Just read the other reviews and realized that I missed the sci-fi requirement. Will that have an effect on how I vote? we'll see....
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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What a great little tale. I was too immersed in it to realize it was lacking the sci-fi aspect of it all. Unless we're all missing something here. Either way, I really enjoyed this.
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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I didn't meet the parameters, so, that was unfortunate.  

It was an interesting read.  So, are they ghosts?  I reread it and am still so confused.

Cool idea tho.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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It's a talking heads script... could be way tighter, perhaps figure out a way to use subtext.

I like it though. I like the idea and the twist.


Writing: 2.5
Story: 4

3.25
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Some of the dialog is a bit odd. (" He was shot at job duty. " "February 14" should be either th at the end or simply Valentine's Day)
I would chop Pedro's speech about leaving the living behind. Feels a bit forced to me.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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FrankM
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Fantastic premise and twist. Diction is a bit clunky, but I read her as speaking with an accent, so it's all good.

Telepaths are basically the magicians of sci-fi, but this is divination and doesn't fit in the sci-fi box for me.

It should be "The Man has a deer in the headlights look on his face." At first I thought it was an editing mistake. He should probably remain Man until Irene walks in the door.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Bit of an awkward transition. We find out that Pedro is Pedro in a narrative line. He should still be called "the man" there and once he's addressed as Pedro the character should read 1x PEDRO (MAN) and then PEDRO. So it was confusing for a moment.

Agree there is no sci-fi here, unless you count the fact that the protag can really see ghosts as sci-fi?  So you have a ghost, a science fiction element, and of course suburbia. Not sure the other entrant ticks the box of suburbia and it's more of a vignette, so....

Nice job with this writer.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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stevie
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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No sci-fi here so didn't meet the parameters. Very tough topic though. Was written ok except for the missing FLASHBACK but ultimately the zero sci-fi kills it. The other script is lucky in that regard lol



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