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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Operation South Lawn - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Operation South Lawn - WT  (currently 653 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Operation South Lawn by 0 - Short, Comedy - Bombing the White House is no laughing matter. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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This looked lonely on the second thread page, so I had a look.

I...can't day I get this one, lol. I did kind of enjoy the absurdity of  it, but damn, what the hell even was that?

The writing on display is pretty good. I'm usually quite nit-picky about that, so good job in that regard at least.

I wish I had more to say about it.
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pale yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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OPERATION SOUTH LAWN
Not sure what software you used, but your spacing looks all off
This wasnt very funny to me. Its hard writing comedy.
Im not real sure what happens at the end. This one was ok for the time we had to write but I think it needs some more work. Good job getting one in.


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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - a difficult challenge - comedy is tough.

I didn't laugh - but again, if this isn't the writer's genre then just a tough draw.

Written well enough - no major errors for me other than the fonts looked odd (a nit)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty funny but I've a weird sense of humor (I laughed at the pilot getting punched in the dick in 'Breakfast in the Air'). Loved the creepy clown and him messing with the agent. Not laugh out loud, by any means, but still kinda funny.
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stevie
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah no real comedy here but, like the rival one, it was written nicely and formatting was tight. I�m guessing the writers weren�t used to being thrown in the comedy deep end so good efforts


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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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That was random. I didnt really get any laughs out of it.

Sorry but I think my vote goes to the other script.


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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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I got several good laughs out of it. For some reason, the clown popping the bomb balloon on his way out of the plane struck me right.


PaulKWrites.com

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FrankM
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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I... uh... um... What just happened?

I could see this actually working as a short, but you'd need to cast a genius of nonverbal comedy who can improvise between the lines. And you also need someone to play the clown.

Though as others mentioned the formatting looks off, the writing itself seems solid.


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was funny, but, not as funny as the other.

I'd cut down on the over explanations of the plane and some other extraneous things that really don't matter much.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

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Dan
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Dustin
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

SMITH
Hey, Johnson. I bet you never
thought one of your first
assignments would be to drop a
package on the White House, eh?

JOHNSON
No, sir, though ours is not to
wonder why, right? I just don't
know why we have to have the
package on a timer. Can't our
jumper set it off manually?



Exposition. I know it's a comedy and it can work OK so long as you laugh at the fact you're doing it. Here it's just done to easily feed the plot to the reader. I hate it. Very, very amateur.

Code

The clown looks very creepy.



In what way? I find it really difficult to imagine a creepy clown. They look funny, not creepy.

Code

Johnson gets a disturbed look on his face...



This reads wrong. Where does he 'get' the disturbed look from? A pocket, perhaps?

I can't take any more. I'm out at 3. I'd honestly just switch this off as soon as hearing the expo at the start.

Writing: 2.5
Story: 1

Total: 1.75
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. The ending was different than what I was expecting. I thought it was a real bomb but joke's on me! And I thought that the balloon bomb would turn out to be real TNT explosives once the clown jumped out of the plane, and Agent Smith would say something like "Johnson you idiot! That's the bomb!" but I was happy with the ending that occurred. I think I enjoyed this one moreso than the other. Tough decision. Gah.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't work for me, though this idea of a Clown spiralling to the White House Lawn did make me smile.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't really get it.

I like Zombie Sean's idea of having them accidentally drop a bomb instead. Now that could be funny.


That rug really tied the room together.
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hawkeye
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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I did like the fact that the clown wouldn't talk but just instead had reactions and there was a nice twist at the end.  However, the humor didn't quite resonate with me. Others did find it humorous so it's just a taste thing, I think.  The writing itself is well done.

Good luck with this.
Gary


Click on the link for my blog as Rick Hansberry and I take script from concept to completion (and hopefully to the screen) Lake Regret Movie
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