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Operation South Lawn - WT (currently 1883 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:07pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Operation South Lawn by 0 - Short, Comedy - Bombing the White House is no laughing matter. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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ReaperCreeper |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:58pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts974 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
This looked lonely on the second thread page, so I had a look. I...can't day I get this one, lol. I did kind of enjoy the absurdity of it, but damn, what the hell even was that? The writing on display is pretty good. I'm usually quite nit-picky about that, so good job in that regard at least. I wish I had more to say about it. |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:58pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.38 |
OPERATION SOUTH LAWN Not sure what software you used, but your spacing looks all off This wasn’t very funny to me. It’s hard writing comedy. I’m not real sure what happens at the end. This one was ok for the time we had to write but I think it needs some more work. Good job getting one in. |
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Reply: 2 - 24 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Okay - a difficult challenge - comedy is tough.
I didn't laugh - but again, if this isn't the writer's genre then just a tough draw.
Written well enough - no major errors for me other than the fonts looked odd (a nit) |
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Reply: 3 - 24 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:25pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I thought this was pretty funny but I've a weird sense of humor (I laughed at the pilot getting punched in the dick in 'Breakfast in the Air'). Loved the creepy clown and him messing with the agent. Not laugh out loud, by any means, but still kinda funny. |
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stevie |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:54pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Yeah no real comedy here but, like the rival one, it was written nicely and formatting was tight. I�m guessing the writers weren�t used to being thrown in the comedy deep end so good efforts |
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Reply: 5 - 24 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:16pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
That was random. I didn’t really get any laughs out of it.
Sorry but I think my vote goes to the other script. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I got several good laughs out of it. For some reason, the clown popping the bomb balloon on his way out of the plane struck me right. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 7 - 24 |
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FrankM |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I... uh... um... What just happened?
I could see this actually working as a short, but you'd need to cast a genius of nonverbal comedy who can improvise between the lines. And you also need someone to play the clown.
Though as others mentioned the formatting looks off, the writing itself seems solid. |
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Reply: 8 - 24 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:35am |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I thought it was funny, but, not as funny as the other.
I'd cut down on the over explanations of the plane and some other extraneous things that really don't matter much.
Dan |
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Reply: 9 - 24 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 2:57am |
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Guest User
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Code SMITH
Hey, Johnson. I bet you never
thought one of your first
assignments would be to drop a
package on the White House, eh?
JOHNSON
No, sir, though ours is not to
wonder why, right? I just don't
know why we have to have the
package on a timer. Can't our
jumper set it off manually? |
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Exposition. I know it's a comedy and it can work OK so long as you laugh at the fact you're doing it. Here it's just done to easily feed the plot to the reader. I hate it. Very, very amateur.
Code The clown looks very creepy. |
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In what way? I find it really difficult to imagine a creepy clown. They look funny, not creepy.
Code Johnson gets a disturbed look on his face... |
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This reads wrong. Where does he 'get' the disturbed look from? A pocket, perhaps? I can't take any more. I'm out at 3. I'd honestly just switch this off as soon as hearing the expo at the start. Writing: 2.5 Story: 1 Total: 1.75 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:40am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I liked this one. The ending was different than what I was expecting. I thought it was a real bomb but joke's on me! And I thought that the balloon bomb would turn out to be real TNT explosives once the clown jumped out of the plane, and Agent Smith would say something like "Johnson you idiot! That's the bomb!" but I was happy with the ending that occurred. I think I enjoyed this one moreso than the other. Tough decision. Gah. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 7:53pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Didn't work for me, though this idea of a Clown spiralling to the White House Lawn did make me smile. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:28pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I didn't really get it.
I like Zombie Sean's idea of having them accidentally drop a bomb instead. Now that could be funny. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 9:26pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I did like the fact that the clown wouldn't talk but just instead had reactions and there was a nice twist at the end. However, the humor didn't quite resonate with me. Others did find it humorous so it's just a taste thing, I think. The writing itself is well done.
Good luck with this. Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 14 - 24 |
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