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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Red Scare - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Red Scare - WT  (currently 627 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Scare by Tail Gunner Joe - Short, Horror - Three politically active teens find a strange house during the 1956 Presidential campaign.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Solid writing - crisp/efficient - no complaints.

Love the set up of the story. Only suggestion is to tap down the somewhat humorous lines towards the end -  they are counter to the tone of what is happening,

Nice job!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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No complaints with the writing or the story. So nothing to really even say.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3.5/5

Total - 3.75
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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Really enjoyed this up till the end.

Solid writing, good dialog, believable characters, and it checked the parameters.  

I can't add much.  Clean up the end b/c I didn't understand if she was under their control or not.  And what were they after?  I know you only had 5 pages, but, perhaps you could have started closer to the house and got to the good part quicker.

Honestly, that's my only complaint.  I preferred this one.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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We just need to work harder. Just like, Adlai would! Incorrect comma use. Please delete.
Quickly to interrupt should be quick to interrupt.
I noticed quite a few little errors like the above. This could probably use a revision.

That said, it was still pretty good. It was horror, but it also had a lighthearted enthusiasm to it. Not sure I totally understand the nature of the red glint. I get the symbolism of the color, but still.

The writer does love to use exclamation marks. This is subjective, but I thought they were overdone.

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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. For me, the comedy went a little overboard. Everyone just seemed like a caricature. It kind of dampens the legitimately creepy horror elements.

Having said that, him throwing the button and it bouncing off harmlessly made me laugh out loud.

Think it just needs some tweaking. Finding that perfect mix of horror/comedy where we still feel something for our characters and worry about their survival.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I liked the set up but then it seemed to go off track. Was Mary Jo in on it from the beginning? Not sure if it really clicked for me. Solid writing. I wonder if time was a big issue here because another review or two would make a big difference in deciding how this one would run.

Good work.
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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Good effort with this one. The writing is great.

I don’t mind the comedy, as it still very much has the necessary elements to make it a horror.

Congrats, this gets my vote.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Tone wobbled in a couple of places, but I liked the way it built to the climax.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure how I feel about this one. The writing and dialogue were good, but the story lost me. What's up with Mary Jo? And just the radio in general? Was that a numbers station they were listening to? Just like a couple others I've read, too bad the script length has to be so short. This one left me with more questions than answers.
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ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Really solid entry, both of the scripts in this category were, by writers who can obviously write.

I liked the comedy in the dialogue, I thought it was perfectly balanced, and allowed the writer to set up the tropes of jock, homecoming queen and nerd very efficiently and with an ironic nod, so that even though they were caricatures, they weren't caricatures.

This one ticked the boxes more for the challenge, being a haunted house. And it was very original to have it haunted by Communists instead of ghosts.

Nice job writer.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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jayrex
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like this one.  You actioned the brief and then threw in some comedy towards the end for extra.

Easy and quick to read.  Nice story.  No complaints.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Red Scare

Short notes: p 1-1,5 build-up is nice albeit needs to be shorter. You can get across their characterization and the side-theme quicker. Good establishing of mystery. Ha, not sure if those two would separate from each other, nice cliché maybe. Now deliver… too comedic, then also some heavy fiction aspects, political expressions and definitely noticed some horror aspects as well. Then this all wasn't coherent enough. Your concept isn't clear by now in my eyes. Still, some good in it.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 8



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