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Fleshy Things - WT (currently 1631 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:04pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Fleshy Things by William Pratt - Short, Action - Employees at a Halloween bash are about to learn why you should never mess with the office loner. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:24am |
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Guest User
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The plot point of the change happened too suddenly and without explanation. Doesn't work for me, needs another page. Well, it doesn't need another page, it needs a page adding and a page deleting in total to keep it at 5.
Writing: 3.5 Story: 2
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Reply: 1 - 21 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Writing is good.
Zombies, zombies; hasn't anyone had enough? I guess not. |
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Reply: 2 - 21 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
I hate zombie themed stories - just a personal thing. However, thought the writing was solid with a good mix of humor and horror. Gets my vote. |
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Reply: 3 - 21 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:07pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Not sure what to make of this. Seems like you're trying to do too much without enough actual story. Descriptions could probably use a trim in some places. Doesn't really feel like a short to me. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 4 - 21 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I'm not a zombie guy. (You either are, or you aren't.) But, given the Halloween setting, I see why you went there.
Good job. Had a few layers in there, which was nice.
I like that you set it up as the inciting incident of a larger story. We're left to imagine where the story goes from here. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 5 - 21 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:10pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
So why did they start turning into zombies? Did I miss something?
The writting is very good but I really didnt enjoy the story or the random Terminator reference at the end. |
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nastynate |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:03pm |
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LocationEast Coast Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Story wise this didn't really work for me. What did work was the back and forth dialogue with the couples. Ronnie and Jessica especially, they would be welcome characters in any horror/comedy hybrid. The strong visuals were also impressive. Overall, this gets my vote over your competition. |
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Reply: 7 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:41pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
There were definite highs and lows with this one. It could be action as required but would be defined as horror if one didn't know. Good dialog (mostly) and premise. More info is needed to answer the many 'whys' here. Good work, overall. |
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Reply: 8 - 21 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:25am |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I'm torn. Why the sudden change? It's just too neatly wrapped. It could have been Ash (in Evil Dead) doing that stuff.
No time spent on the characters means that we don't care for them at all.
Having Ned go from Zero to Hero is cool, but, he didn't take any sort of trial.
I'm really not sure which story was better....
Dan |
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Reply: 9 - 21 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:24am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Well you piqued my interest with the zombies, hence my name. I liked this one, I liked the dialogue and the descriptions. I wish the ending was different. I was hoping Ned would mention something about how he's wanted to kill his coworkers for the longest time and now was his chance. That would make him even weirder than he already is. Now he's just this cool, badass guy I had a feeling there was a gun in the dufflebag and I thought he was just gonna shoot everyone up, but I still liked how it all played out. |
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ajr |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:16pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I didn't think this was a particularly hard category - action, in a high rise, on Halloween - and I'm not in love with either of the entries.
This one went horror instead of action, and went for a layup with zombies. No back story on how they turned either. |
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Reply: 11 - 21 |
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stevie |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:23pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Yeah this is more horror so technically its...well, i guess it has action but...you know...oh ok I'll let it go for now as I really liked the first half of this! The banter was good - actually it was more of a comedy than anything - and the bathroom boontye was a bonus.
Writer knows his stuff, it just got a little out of control. Was funnier than some of the other scripts that were meant to be comedy lol |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4321 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I liked Ned, interesting idea and loved the idea that he had his zombie survival kit at work - just in case...
But thought it was standard zombie fare beyond that, and the lack of any reason that Ronnie turned bugged me. |
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Reply: 13 - 21 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 7:18pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Ohh zombie sex ! The writing was good. The dialogue was good. The story seemed you felt you needed to jam everything in and the kitchen sink in 5 pages but I still like it.
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Reply: 14 - 21 |
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