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Missed It By That Much - WT (currently 1137 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:52pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Missed It By That Much by 0 - Short, Comedy - A top secret mission is in jeopardy from the start. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:36am |
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Guest User
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OTN dialogue from the off.
Why would they kidnap one of their own agents and put them in sudden danger? Logic hole. It is a comedy but that doesn't excuse the hole for me.
Writing: 3.5 Story: 2
Total: 2.75 |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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TheUsualSuspect |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:47am |
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LocationCanada Posts351 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
I think that last gag falls flat here. You got some decent back and forth dialogue that could make for some good comedy.
The visuals lack here since this is a dialogue heavy script. I was hoping for maybe a few sight gags with the blind guy fiddling with things in the cockpit.
Good effort. |
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:29am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Tough topic and genre.
Writing mechanics solid.
There were a few chuckles from me. The premise is real solid - with more time the lines would be funnier.
For me - You slide by your opponent by a slight margin |
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Reply: 3 - 16 |
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Steven |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:36am |
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New
LocationSouthern California Posts466 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hilarious that this entire multi-person conversation is taking place over a radio.
Pretty absurd, but that's a good thing in my opinion.
No real issues with the writing itself, just some tiny stuff not worth mentioning.
Writing 3.5/5 Story 3/5
Total - 3.25 |
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Reply: 4 - 16 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:20am |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Solid comedy premise. It really doesn't make sense they would send in a team to capture their own agent for a mission. Yet, I'm drawing a blank on how else you would start this. Perhaps you had the same problem. Anyways, the blindness was a good touch and gave it a decent ending. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:34am |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
This was crazy funny. Even a shock at the agent being blind.
I don't know the rules for this, but I plan to read each duel back to back and rank them.
For me this one was the better story and execution of the parameters.
Dan |
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Reply: 6 - 16 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:23pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I liked the premise and I think with a rev or two (re: the banter) it could really pay off. So ridiculous that logic can't really be a consideration. I'd like to see more side-bar conversation where they neglect the true issue.
Good work. Clean it up and re-post when all the dust settles. |
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:24pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Agree with most of what's been said.
A bit on the nose throughout. But, I liked the premise and most of the execution. This script feels like a really good start. I'd love to see what you could do with it, given more time.
Good job, especially given the tough assignment and short window. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 8 - 16 |
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ajr |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:28pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Some decent funny moments. This one has a story, fantastical though it may be. Agree that the ending doesn't really pay off. But nice job by the writer. |
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Reply: 9 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:33pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
You guys got dealt a pretty shit hand with this topic.
Again the comedy falls a bit flat. It was okay. Will be a tough choice between this and your competitor.
The writing is solid so no real issues there. |
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Reply: 10 - 16 |
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khamanna |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:46pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Very funny. These two would be the toughest choice for me. I don't even know what to do with you. Yours probably. I kind of was rooting to this blind guy too much. But the other one is very good as well.
The ending reads weird here. It's like instead of ending you opened it up for another topic. At least it reads this way. |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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jayrex |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:12pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
You did a good job for this topic.
An easy read.
I would have put Jenkins as V.O.
I like the story, I don't think it's a great ending, but the setup was strong. |
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Reply: 12 - 16 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Despite my comedy tin ear there were a couple of lines made me chuckle! |
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:40pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
This was funny. The dialogue was great and had me chuckling. I didn't really care for the ending, and I was kind of confused as to how it was supposed to be shot. You have a slug of LATER but are we still in the sky? How are we hearing the Air Traffic Controller and Charlie? The coffee line at the very end read more like a sitcom line, except it wasn't as funny as the rest of the dialogue (or really funny at all) but I suppose it was a good way to end such a short script. |
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Reply: 14 - 16 |
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