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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Missed It By That Much - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Missed It By That Much - WT  (currently 1137 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Missed It By That Much by 0 - Short, Comedy - A top secret mission is in jeopardy from the start.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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OTN dialogue from the off.

Why would they kidnap one of their own agents and put them in sudden danger? Logic hole. It is a comedy but that doesn't excuse the hole for me.


Writing: 3.5
Story: 2

Total: 2.75
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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I think that last gag falls flat here. You got some decent back and forth dialogue that could make for some good comedy.

The visuals lack here since this is a dialogue heavy script. I was hoping for maybe a few sight gags with the blind guy fiddling with things in the cockpit.

Good effort.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Tough topic and genre.

Writing mechanics solid.

There were a few chuckles from me. The premise is real solid - with more time the lines would be funnier.

For me - You slide by your opponent by a slight margin


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hilarious that this entire multi-person conversation is taking place over a radio.

Pretty absurd, but that's a good thing in my opinion.

No real issues with the writing itself, just some tiny stuff not worth mentioning.

Writing 3.5/5
Story 3/5

Total - 3.25
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Solid comedy premise. It really doesn't make sense they would send in a team to capture their own agent for a mission. Yet, I'm drawing a blank on how else you would start this. Perhaps you had the same problem. Anyways, the blindness was a good touch and gave it a decent ending.


That rug really tied the room together.
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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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This was crazy funny.  Even a shock at the agent being blind.  

I don't know the rules for this, but I plan to read each duel back to back and rank them.

For me this one was the better story and execution of the parameters.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I liked the premise and I think with a rev or two (re: the banter) it could really pay off. So ridiculous that logic can't really be a consideration. I'd like to see more side-bar conversation where they neglect the true issue.

Good work. Clean it up and re-post when all the dust settles.
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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Agree with most of what's been said.

A bit on the nose throughout. But, I liked the premise and most of the execution. This script feels like a really good start. I'd love to see what you could do with it, given more time.

Good job, especially given the tough assignment and short window.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Some decent funny moments.  This one has a story, fantastical though it may be. Agree that the ending doesn't really pay off. But nice job by the writer.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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You guys got dealt a pretty shit hand with this topic.

Again the comedy falls a bit flat. It was okay. Will be a tough choice between this and your competitor.

The writing is solid so no real issues there.


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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Very funny. These two would be the toughest choice for me. I don't even know what to do with you.
Yours probably. I kind of was rooting to this blind guy too much.
But the other one is very good as well.

The ending reads weird here. It's like instead of ending you opened it up for another topic. At least it reads this way.
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jayrex
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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You did a good job for this topic.

An easy read.

I would have put Jenkins as V.O.

I like the story, I don't think it's a great ending, but the setup was strong.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Despite my comedy tin ear there were a couple of lines made me chuckle!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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This was funny. The dialogue was great and had me chuckling. I didn't really care for the ending, and I was kind of confused as to how it was supposed to be shot. You have a slug of LATER but are we still in the sky? How are we hearing the Air Traffic Controller and Charlie? The coffee line at the very end read more like a sitcom line, except it wasn't as funny as the rest of the dialogue (or really funny at all) but I suppose it was a good way to end such a short script.
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