Tweakers by 0 - Short, Crime - Meth-head grave robbers wind up nowhere near the eightball. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It’s an interesting premise, but the one problem I have is how will the security guard know when to show up as it says in the letter? Is he on guard 24/7?  Other than that, I thought it was a fairly solid story with an interesting hook. Easily filmed, but I would try to find a re-working of that plot hole.

Best of luck,
Gary

Haha, that was crazy. That is one seriously messed up family. I liked it a lot.

Tweakers

Funny. Better call this a comedy perhaps? The punch line is on the right track.
3

Liked this, but more comedy for me.

I liked this for what it was worth. Wish there was more to it, but with the one-page rule it's a good little tale. Why is it important that Billy has an abscess on his upper lip? I thought that that was gonna go somewhere, but it seemed like an unnecessary detail, unless I'm missing something.

Tweakers creep me out.

Good one. Logline gives too much away so the reveal is expected. Still entertaining, though. Good work.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Why is it important that Billy has an abscess on his upper lip? I thought that that was gonna go somewhere, but it seemed like an unnecessary detail, unless I'm missing something.

As I saw it, that belongs to his characterization, depicting him as someone who's on hard drugs, methamphetamine and such. Those people have those skin irritations and open wounds.

At least that's how I saw it here, could be wrong of course. I actually found it a good way to help establish their drug-related crime angle...

This is funny. I loved the twist here. Maybe if you had the second page you could go further with it, he could scare them away by saying there's a bomb in his casket. They run away, then read that he's kidding and only then say someone will come for them now.
just a suggestion.
I really liked it.

Quoted from PrussianMosby As I saw it, that belongs to his characterization, depicting him as someone who's on hard drugs, methamphetamine and such. Those people have those skin irritations and open wounds. At least that's how I saw it here, could be wrong of course. I actually found it a good way to help establish their drug-related crime angle...

I saw it as that way too but wasn't entirely sure. Maybe Cara could have a twitch to her or something. I guess the boniness of her stature is tweakish enough, though.

The very last word of dialogue saved it for me.

Not sure the security guard being there is overly logical. How long would he wait? What if they only came for the gold in 2 months?

Take the logic issue out of it and it’s an enjoyable read.

Not bad - solid writing for the most part - a complete story

Great writing, I think I know the owner.

It’s a good effort for a page. I thought the language in the note was a bit strange for a father, but other than that it was pretty good.

Reminds me a little of "The Gift of the Magi."  These two open the grave to steal Dad's gold teeth to buy meth, but Dad sold the gold before his death to hire someone to catch them in the act.