SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:08pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Unreliable Witness - WT R4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Unreliable Witness - WT R4  (currently 2631 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Unreliable Witness by 0 - Short, Thriller - Strangers, held hostage in their captor's car, work to discover why. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
ScottM
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:14am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.02
Second read in.

Four total characters - 4, spot on.

Page length divisible by four: 4, 8, 12, etc - 8, no issues there.

They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile) - Same as the other script I read, in the sense that you see some stuff through the windows, perfectly fine by me.

Can only be of the Horror, Thriller, Drama or Mystery genres - I can see that the situation should be thrilling, so it gets a pass. I wouldn't actually say that I did find it thrilling though at any point.

Story Notes:       WITH POTENTIAL SPOILERS!!!


Quoted Text
Two MEN, unconscious. Handcuffed together, driver’s right arm
to passenger’s left. Their joined wrists rest against the
roof of the car, held in place by an invisible force.


I am a little bit confused by this image. I'm not 100% sure I know what I'm meant to be seeing.

Just came back to this, notes as I read, I think they're upside down? Okay, maybe a magnet. I'll come back to this at the end. And it was a magnet


Quoted Text
soft, rich look.


I don't understand what kind of look this is.


Quoted Text
JESSE
I’m Jesse. The man that’s gonna
beat your ass, you don’t treat me
with respect.


The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural.

I've read on a bit further and the dialogue really needs to be tidied up, it's very wooden.

I'm mid-way through page 4 and it's starting to feel a bit like a Saw scenario. They're trapped, don't know how or why and there's a message for them to follow.

All the THUMPing is a bit much.


Quoted Text
#METOO


Oh no.

Done. So yes, very much a Saw setup, everyone's linked by an injustice they performed and they pay the price. Just unlike Saw they have no means of redemption.

It was okay, just okay.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 3:31am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

JESSE, male, 28, sits upright, unconscious, in the back seat
of an old rust bucket of a car.



ON the back seat, IN a car. How can he be sitting IN the seat? He's also sitting, so naturally upright. This is your very first sentence, it's not a good idea to have it read like shit.

Code

Beat up by life, he’s in
particularly bad shape right now.



This is your second sentence and things aren't getting any better. Telling us he is in bad shape is not visual storytelling.

Not one for me.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 24
ajr
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 10:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
I can see what the writer was going for and it's laudable. However the mystery was better than the payoff. Requires a pretty good amount of suspension of belief. She's abused by three men - boyfriend (or date), boss, and her father - and then not believed by a detective - and then suddenly turns superhuman in that she's able to trap all of them in the same car, render them helpless, and rig a junkyard so that they can suffer and have a perilous death...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
khamanna
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 11:02am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
The voice of her father, in the end, got a chuckle out of me - not sure it's what you want.

Overall, it's a pretty good story. I liked the fact you have an explanation for each to be in that car. And I like that they are in the car for a definite purpose.
Don't know how she did it though. YOu're asking a bit much here from a reader. Too much suspension of disbelief I guess. Maybe she got superpowers. She could have a letter of explanation for them to read that, in turn, would tell us how she did it as well.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
eldave1
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I’ve read the script. Will provide my comments after voting has closed.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
0

I liked this one, gave me a few laughs.

Yeah some of the dialogue is a little ripe, the scenario requires serious suspension (yep) of belief (I guess the implication is she drugged them...or maybe she had help. Who knows, I don't think its that important) but it kept me hooked and had a killer last line.

Jesse's impaired speech, which was a great touch by the way, seems to disappear after the first couple of lines. It would've been good for comedy's sake to have kept it up consistently throughout.

Reminded me a lot of the first story in the Argentine anthology film "Wild Tales". I wondered was that an influence.

Good job.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 24
DanC
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I agree with the others.  This pushed my suspension of disbelief too far.  

Decent story, but unlike Saw, I didn't buy into it.

Dan

3 out of 5


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
JEStaats
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
As Jesse might put it: "Thit, that was awesome."

So many questions left unanswered but who cares. I loved Carly's final message of #metoo - very timely. The whole thing is so ridiculous and unbelievable, I couldn't help but to have fun while reading it. I really enjoyed this one. Good job writer!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
FrankM
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from JEStaats
I loved Carly's final message of #metoo - very timely.


That's the Pokemon with the purple tail, right?



I actually had less of a problem with the serial victim Carly getting all these people in the car, just wondered why the gun was left in there. If it was in a tamper-resistant holster then it would still be holstered, and if it wasn't then she should have removed it entirely.

I'm not thure Jethee thould have even reconithed Carly's name. Maybe a picthure thtuck in the thunvithor?

Nice touch that the cross wasn't real (magnets pull real silver very weakly and don't pull real gold at all), might be making a statement about the deterctive's shallow commitment to justice. Or I'm just overthinking a neat visual.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
CameronD
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
"Beat up by life, he’s in particularly bad shape right now." Cut this line.

An invisible force?

Why is everything pinned to the roof? They upside down? Or are they taped/glue/stapled to it? Oh a magnet. Unique idea. Ok, I like it now.

JESSE
I’m Jesse. The man that’s gonna
beat your ass, you don’t treat me
with respect.


Bloody and woken up in a car of strangers, I doubt this is a proper greeting.

A cool setup with the men in a car attached to a giant magnet. But that's about it. The dialogue is not great and not much seems to happen afterwards. I got lost halfway through and ended up skimming. Sorry.

Great set up.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
There are elements of this that I liked but the dialogue seems a little off and stilted in places... liked the 'I'm your father line'

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 24
MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
I like the concept but it's tough going early on. Descriptions not very efficient, not visual enough. With a re-write, I think this could be good. I liked the last line. You just gotta pull us in right from the start and never let go. And I don't mean have them physically at each others throats right away. Build your characters, four distinct voices, then conflict boils over... only it's too late for them.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Not bad at all, just didn’t blow me away. Think you could’ve lost the #metoo hashtag, but that’s just me. Thought a lot more bickering could have gone on between the men to give this a little more urgency and tension. As is, there’s just not enough for a thriller. However, once I realized exactly what their predicament was, it did add a certain amount of peril, and I thought that was good.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
It's okay, plays by the rules.  The setting was good.  Quite topical throwing in the movement too.  I'd vote for this one.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006