30 Minutes Or Less by Austin Valdez - Short, Comedy - Three roommates desperately try to barricade their apartment as impending horrors draw closer. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Austin,

A nice easy read and let’s not take the story so serious, but who exactly are these troops?

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW Hi Austin, A nice easy read and let’s not take the story so serious, but who exactly are these troops? Daniel

Thanks for the read, Daniel!

As for the troops, your guess is as good as mine. Haha

What was funny to me was just the implication that they would go to such extreme lengths as to not pay for their delivery that they would instead hire a group of fighter troops to make sure that doesn't happen. I guess it doesn't matter who they are, to me the joke still works.

Do yo have an idea?

I see.

The boys' goal is:

'Hold up the pizza delivery guy for more than 30 minutes, without ruining the pizza.'

The key to do this, is the elevator. 'Blame the elevator, not us.'

They're computer nerds that hack into the elevator's computer. The boys trap the delivery guy for the required time, and receive "FREE PIZZA".

- Just thinking out loud!!!!

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW I see. The boys' goal is: 'Hold up the pizza delivery guy for more than 30 minutes, without ruining the pizza.' The key to do this, is the elevator. 'Blame the elevator, not us.' They're computer nerds that hack into the elevator's computer. The boys trap the delivery guy for the required time, and receive "FREE PIZZA". - Just thinking out loud!!!! Daniel

Perhaps that could be the sequel? Hahaha I do like that.

I don't know which is more clever, the original script or Daniel's elevator idea.

Regardless, if you choose to produce it, I'm sure some company delivering food will be willing to sponsor you in return for product placement. It reads like a long ad with a funny punch line.

There's some CAPITALIZATION, bold, italics and underlining in the script, which interrupts the flow for me. The story is well told though!

Mmmm... comedy's difficult, here, the reveal is comedic not the theme, and I don't think that adds anything to your script. I was expecting something clever, not something silly ... if the set-up was better I think you'd have gotten away with it ... plus the witing's a little clumpy here and there and took me out of the flow.

Thank you for the reads!

Quoted Text I don't know which is more clever, the original script or Daniel's elevator idea.

I think Daniel has bested me, IMO his idea is eons better!

Quoted Text Mmmm... comedy's difficult, here, the reveal is comedic not the theme, and I don't think that adds anything to your script. I was expecting something clever, not something silly ... if the set-up was better I think you'd have gotten away with it ... plus the witing's a little clumpy here and there and took me out of the flow.

I think you're right. I think working on Daniel's idea would give more freedom for a clever twist. And comedy is so subjective anyways.

As for clunky writing and after reading it over again, you're right. I appreciate the feedback!

I love this script! I am trying to contact the writer to get permission to use it for school assignments.

Quoted from GJDutzman I love this script! I am trying to contact the writer to get permission to use it for school assignments.

Have you seen my responses to your requests yesterday?
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