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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Tooth Fairy
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  Author    The Tooth Fairy  (currently 773 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tooth Fairy by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - The Tooth Fairy is coming to visit tonight. But what happens when thereís no tooth to take? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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DanielW
Posted: May 21st, 2018, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,

This is definitely a horror.

Visually, I can see this working.

Nice job.

Daniel
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AustinT
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Sean,

This was a lot of fun to read. I agree with Daniel, so visual.

Fun idea and wonderfully executed. The ONLY nitpick I have (and trust me when I say that it's a nitpick) is...


Quoted Text
(O.S.) The small KER-PLINK! of the tooth as it splashes into
the toilet. FLUSH. SWIRL. GURGLE


... I would personally prefer if the sound was a KER-PLOP. KER-PLINk sounds like it hits the porcelain sides of the toilet. Maybe it did. Just thinking out-loud now.

Obviously I had to dig to find some critique because this one is short, sweet and fun.

Good job!

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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel and Austin,

Thank you both for reading this. I'm happy to hear that you both had fun reading it and that you both enjoyed it. I wanted to go for something visual and give the Tooth Fairy a different "look" than what people are used to.

Austin, the KER-PLINK actually was me imagining the tooth hitting the water followed by hitting the porcelain at the entrance of the toilet trapway, but KER-PLOP works just as well too! Thanks for that nitpick

Thanks again to you both!

PS> Oh, and if anyone has any ideas on a more original title, that would be cool too. I could not, for the life of me, come up with something different than The Tooth Fairy, which has been done to death, I'm sure. I've thought of "Loose Tooth" or "The Tooth" but still not satisfied.


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DanielW
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Sean,

DONíT change the title.

The genre and the title sum up the story.

Daniel

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Dustin
Posted: May 23rd, 2018, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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How about KER-PLOP-PLINK? KAH-PLOP-PLINK? KAHPLOP-PLINK. KERPLOPPITY-PLINK.

Isn't it more of a dink? Or maybe a tink, or ting? KERPLOPPITY-TINK. I think that's it.
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted Text

Sean,

DONíT change the title.

The genre and the title sum up the story.

Daniel


Haha, okay, I'll leave it for now.


Quoted Text
How about KER-PLOP-PLINK? KAH-PLOP-PLINK? KAHPLOP-PLINK. KERPLOPPITY-PLINK.

Isn't it more of a dink? Or maybe a tink, or ting? KERPLOPPITY-TINK. I think that's it.


KERPLOPPITY-PLINK-TINK-DINK? Maybe Martin was having trouble throwing the tooth into the toilet...


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Forgive
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Hi Sean, had a read through this, my only concerns where the set-up seemed too cosy for the following events, so the parents hardly seem deserving of thier fate ... if the parents had been assholes to cute girl, and disrespectful of the tooth fairy tale then they may deserve what came to them ... but here I'm not sure they do.

Also, some of the descriptive elements move into almost novel territory, so they could be shortened and still be just as effective.
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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2018, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Code

(O.S.) The small KER-PLINK! of the tooth as it splashes into
the toilet. FLUSH. SWIRL. GURGLE.



Sound FX on overdrive.

Not a bad story. Slight logic issue for me in that it was the little girl's tooth the fairy came for, so why didn't it kill her? Why even bother with the parents? The little girl didn't wake when Daddy put the dollar beneath her pillow, so when the fairy asked her, she would assume the fairy had it and wouldn't know wtf.

But, quite atmospheric, some decent descriptions. Some overwriting, and I don't mean that in being too descriptive. Just writing unnecessary shit. Like this:

Code

Pink, everywhere. Pink walls, pink blankets, pink curtains,
pink everything.



I know, it's done deliberately to add character to your work. Maybe you believe it adds voice. But voice can never be forced, when it is, it just looks forced.

I'd go with one or the other. Either quick and to the point: Pink everything.

Or longer, taking time with each visual, just make sure it leads up to the girl, like a trail: Pink walls. Pink curtains. Pink carpet. Pink duvet and a sweet, chestnut-haired, 5-year-old HANNAH beneath.

It's only overwriting when it doesn't do anything for the visual(s) you are creating.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 24th, 2018, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hi Sean, had a read through this, my only concerns where the set-up seemed too cosy for the following events, so the parents hardly seem deserving of thier fate ... if the parents had been assholes to cute girl, and disrespectful of the tooth fairy tale then they may deserve what came to them ... but here I'm not sure they do.

Also, some of the descriptive elements move into almost novel territory, so they could be shortened and still be just as effective.


Thanks for reading, Forgive! I completely understand your concern with the setup and how the parents don't seem very deserving of their fate. I actually wanted to go in that direction, where it started off innocent and the reader doesn't know what exactly they're getting themselves into. Think of it as more of a campfire story, where it starts off sweet and innocent and then turns into a horror like a switch. And I'm not the nicest when it comes to my characters in a horror story... but I'll think about this, because it is a concern that's crossed my mind before.

As for the descriptions, it is straying into novel territory, so I will go through the action again and see what I can do to clean it up.


Quoted from Dustin
Not a bad story. Slight logic issue for me in that it was the little girl's tooth the fairy came for, so why didn't it kill her? Why even bother with the parents? The little girl didn't wake when Daddy put the dollar beneath her pillow, so when the fairy asked her, she would assume the fairy had it and wouldn't know wtf.


Thanks for pointing that out! The Tooth Fairy kills the parents because they're the ones who got rid of the tooth, not Hannah. Hannah is merely the one who lost the tooth, and the parents are the ones who took it and got rid of it, so the Tooth Fairy went after them instead of the girl. And yeah, Hannah wouldn't know WTF was going on when the Tooth Fairy wakes her up and asks for her tooth, but she's 5 and still a naive, innocent young kid who does what she's told.


Quoted from Dustin
But, quite atmospheric, some decent descriptions. Some overwriting, and I don't mean that in being too descriptive. Just writing unnecessary shit. Like this:

Code
Pink, everywhere. Pink walls, pink blankets, pink curtains,
pink everything.



I know, it's done deliberately to add character to your work. Maybe you believe it adds voice. But voice can never be forced, when it is, it just looks forced.

I'd go with one or the other. Either quick and to the point: Pink everything.

Or longer, taking time with each visual, just make sure it leads up to the girl, like a trail: Pink walls. Pink curtains. Pink carpet. Pink duvet and a sweet, chestnut-haired, 5-year-old HANNAH beneath.

It's only overwriting when it doesn't do anything for the visual(s) you are creating.


Good idea, thanks for that. I like the idea of being short, sweet, and to the point to make the script read faster and easier, so I will go through it again and see what I can do to make the descriptions read shorter and easier. I know that I went into a lot of description for the Tooth Fairy, and I want to keep that, but at the same time I feel that that's where it's most description-heavy. I've tried to take out any unnecessary detail, so I will go through this again and see what else I can find. Thanks!


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2018, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Yes, but how did the fairy know it was the Father that got rid of the tooth? Hannah didn't know, so couldn't have told it. Also, if the fairy somehow knew who was last to touch the tooth or something (which should be explained in-story) then why did the fairy kill both parents when it was only the Dad that got rid of the tooth?
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Philostrate
Posted: May 24th, 2018, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,

Good concept and wonderful execution.

It disconcerted me a little when the mother climbs back into the bed instead of trying to escape to get her daughter out of the house, but the setup is perfect and I loved your re-imagining of the Tooth Fairy: clever and visual.

Nice job!



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Forgive
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Yeah, there's an issue with the story logic here, but there's scope for that to be sorted out and I don't think it's a difficult fix, like the Dad can't be bothered ditching the tooth, so he sticks it under his pillow? There's options there ...

But I don't want to neglect the strengths here, main one being re-imagining the tooth fairy and there's some nice idea there ... but it's a USP in a story, and the story has to work first off ... production-wise, sfx, what's your thoughts?
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from Dustin
Yes, but how did the fairy know it was the Father that got rid of the tooth? Hannah didn't know, so couldn't have told it. Also, if the fairy somehow knew who was last to touch the tooth or something (which should be explained in-story) then why did the fairy kill both parents when it was only the Dad that got rid of the tooth?


You pose good questions. I will have to look more into this and see if I can expand on it. I like the idea of the Tooth Fairy knowing who touched to the tooth last. It would be hard to portray that on screen, but if both of them touched the tooth, then that would be better explanation for why the mother got her comeuppance as well. The way I kind of saw it, it was the Tooth Fairy getting revenge on the parents for taking the tooth away from her....er, it.


Quoted from Philostrate
It disconcerted me a little when the mother climbs back into the bed instead of trying to escape to get her daughter out of the house, but the setup is perfect and I loved your re-imagining of the Tooth Fairy: clever and visual.


That would make sense, for her to go for her daughter. The way I had it planned out was that she was trying to convince herself that it was just a nightmare she was having. Maybe I can have her move for the doorway, but the Tooth Fairy blocks her path? And then starts walking toward her which makes her move to the bed.


Quoted from Forgive
Yeah, there's an issue with the story logic here, but there's scope for that to be sorted out and I don't think it's a difficult fix, like the Dad can't be bothered ditching the tooth, so he sticks it under his pillow? There's options there ...


There are options to turn the story into something a little more, and I'll have to think about them because I like where you're going. Right now, I'm going to leave it as an innocent tale gone awry with characters who suffer horrible fates, but them being more deserving of them will help the story for sure.


Quoted from Forgive
production-wise, sfx, what's your thoughts?


Not sure! I'd love everything to be practical effects. I'd love to see the creature design if this ever got filmed.


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Zack
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Hey Sean,

It's been a long time since I've read some of your work. Glad to see you back.

I really liked this. Good and creepy, and very well paced for such a short script. I feel like I read this in two minutes. lol

The description of the tooth fairy was very creepy. I pictured it perfectly in my mind. Fuck that thing. Lol.

No real complaints. I really dug it all. Great job!

~Zack~


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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