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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Colder
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Don
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colder by John Helliwell - Short, Drama - A spiteful Grandfather teaches his Grandson a lesson in cruelty, but regrets it when the seemingly innocent child proves to be a fatally quick learner. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AustinT
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey there, John,

I really enjoyed this one. It was creepy in places, the character were well-painted and the idea of making the game Hot or Cold a struggle between life and death is fun.

At the end of your script, there are 2 pages that are just blank. I would recommend getting rid of them.

Good job.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2018, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey John,

Entertaining read and should be relatively easy to produce.

There's some nice descriptive elements and some well placed asides that help set the tone.

The characters are well drawn and the twist plays well and made me smile.

Austin mentioned the spare couple of pages and I'd personally lose the page top/bottom continued, but otherwise the formatting is solid.

Good effort!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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John,

Nice little revenge tale, could see where it was headed but that didnít dampen the payoff.  Grandpaís mean, but the kid turns out to be far worse.

An idea as to Michaelís age would help - unless I missed it?  Could potentially lose the Mother character to keep it even simpler.  Some random double spacing is probably making this appear longer than it is - not sure if anyone else is getting that when they open it?

Best of luck,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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