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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Miami Vice: A New Darkness - OWC Moderators: DanC
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Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Miami Vice: A New Darkness by Eric Dixon (Jack) writing as Eric Dixon - Series, Action - Vice detective JJ Baumbach forms a temporary partnership with flashy, silk suit wearing federal agent Lionel Hayes as the two infiltrate the dark underbelly of organized crime in Miami.   24 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Miami Vice - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 3rd, 2018, 2:54pm
revised draft
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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, Eric...is that your real name?? If so I'm guessing you're a newbie, but the challenge is supposed to be anonymous, so next time round avoid that!

The script then...look, you've clearly put a hell of a lot into it so I'll be as kind as I can. There's reams of text here and unfortunately you've really piled it into the page count with a max 24. I have been picked up on it a few times but less really is more, in the descriptions especially. Don't describe every last detail, it'll read like prose and it's basically over egging the piece. There's massive speels of dialogue too, just reign it in.

Some of the formatting is off, but hang around these parts on the forums and you'll sort that out. It's somewhere in between a short script and a shooting script, in my opinion, but if you take an axe to it and cut it down you could have something here.

It wasn't for me but you've got a talent for visualisation, and whilst it may sound like reductive advice, just learn to reign it in and describe in a few words what's going on.

All the best,

Cam
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CameronD
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty detailed action descriptions. But as it's written well I can live with it. Working overtime to make everything cool.

Chango is a bit too heavy on exposition for me.

What's the point of the egg deal? I'm lost. Is JJ undercover? Should I just be patient? Also, late in, early out.

Oh, you cut right to him arrested. Ok, nice. But still, the gator egg scene could be cut down.

Problem. Illegal gator poaching by itself isn't strong enough to set big enough stakes. I'm reading this and am starting not to care. You haven't developed JJ or Aldrich any. Your logline says they are investigating crime in Miami but it sounds like we're spending the whole show in the everglades. Can you tighten this up? And quick?

Oh damn! 12 pages and we're just now rolling credits? Way way way too long.

What's with all these new cops in the mall? You also spend 4 minutes of screen time simply having them track a suspect. You gotta be tighter. The over writing is hurting your script.

Skimming now just to see if Hayes even shows up. Hooray! He does! But not until pg 21!

You started out semi strong but got way too lost in your own writing after that first scene. I skimmed at the end but do the gators ever come back and mean anything? Why spend half your script on them if they don't then as it looks like you spend time at a mall and then the police dept afterwards.

You can write. But this story is all over the place. I'm not sure if you even know what your story is. Great effort. But needs a much better foundation.


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ericdickson
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I've been binge watching Vice for weeks now and tried to follow what I observed to be a repeat pattern.  There is always a long pre-title sequence involving the officers in some sort of undercover sting that somehow goes awry.  Typically 5 minutes.  Mine was a bit longer given this is meant to be a 2 hour pilot.  (I should've mentioned that).  Hence the gator poacher Cuban in The Everglades.  

In most Vice episodes, the pre title operations are inconsequential to the actual goings on in the episode.  It is meant to lead the characters into what will become the real story.  

The El Chango character and the other poachers were a simple way to open the series and show an atypical "undercover operation" these guys may find themselves in.  I tried to do something that was unique and not simply a retread of the original show.  Drugs, guns, etc.  

It was also a way to show how the character of JJ has been sent into hiding on a deep cover assignment (on loan to the Feds) following his shooting of a prominent Jamaican gangsters brother.  This all comes out in dialogue by page 3.  

We also learn that after the redneck poacher is busted in an undercover sting, the Feds have zero interest in El Chango which irritates JJ.  They are simply interested in busting a ring of dirty cops taking money from the poachers.  And JJ then expresses his intense boredom with hiding out in The Glades and busting poachers.  

By the next scene, The Jamaicans have somehow discovered his whereabouts.  I'm setting up a premise that someone on the inside, i.e. The Feds, has led The Jamaicans to his secret undercover whereabouts.  

And what's up with the other cops at The Mall?  I'm introducing the rest of the cast.  They are the supporting players and am using a long action sequence to introduce their playful interaction.  By the scene's end, Charlie is killed by The Jamaicans in what appears to be a pre planned set up.  


As JJ returns to Vice Squad, he blames himself for Charlie's death at the hands of the Jamaicans and vows to make the purse snatcher talk.  He is then introduced to what will become his new partner, federal agent Lionel Hayes.  Hayes explains how someone in the FBI is leaking the identities of undercover officers in the field and having cops killed.  End of page 24.

As in the original pilot, Crockett and Tubbs jump through a lot of hoops and plot points before they actually meet face to face.  If I remember correctly, they don't begin working together for at least 25 minutes into the pilot episode.   Their investigations somehow cross paths, forcing them to form an unlikely bond.

There needs to be a slow build up to their first meet up as to build excitement and suspense.   At least this is what I tried to do.  

I cranked this whole thing out in two one hour sittings and it's def a bit on the verbose side but I do stand behind how I've structured the story and introduced the characters.    


  



      
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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, it's an anonymous challenge so save a copy of what you've just written there and post it when they do the reveal in a week or so!!

Cam
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Talldave
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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It was good, but it felt a bit played out. Hard to explain, but it was very middle of the road work all around. I’m actually at a loss for words here, because I feel like there wasn’t really a lot wrong, but I wish you took more chances to pump up the script.

It’s a challenge, challenge yourself to do some ridiculous new thing, because people are going to criticize your work no matter what. Might as well use it to learn something new about yourself as a writer.
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EWall433
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Um, I'm gonna pretend the writer didn't just out themselves and post my notes as is  

The dialogue is good, but there’s too much of it. The scenes run longer than they need to and it could all benefit from some tightening

Okay, so we’re Rolling Credits 12 minutes into the show, and I’m assuming you can see the problem with that. Teasers usually take only a few minutes at most. I know it’s labeled ACT ONE, but still, credits don’t happen at the end of Act One.

I like the set-up of the whole team potentially being hunted. Seems like a strong story line that could carry a season of the show. Structure-wise, my mind’s wondering if Glasco’s death wouldn’t serve as a better teaser up front, possibly leading to the attempt on JJ acting as a cliffhanger at the end.

The spirit of Miami Vice certainly seemed to be there and it was appropriately updated. There were a lot of characters rushed through, though. To be expected I suppose, considering the constraints, but it does make it harder to get a feel for the whole team. Besides JJ, it’s hard to keep track of who is important or meaningful. And even with JJ, I wanted to know a little more than just ‘determined cop’.
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khamanna
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing here. The descriptions are pretty impressive, especially the description of the characters.

Then they started talking, and while they are pretty colorful and well drawn they sound the same to me.
Also, they all seem to be doing the same thing - trying to convince the other party is wrong and persuade someone to do something.
4 first scenes are about two people talking - the people are different for the most part. All of them have some agenda - which is a good thing. However, their talk sounds a bit of repetitive. And you do not provide us with much action (apart from place and character's description) which is unfortunate.

I do think you should restructure this, let us get into the story faster. I can't make any concrete suggestions though, sorry.
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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The original Miami Vice was a hit because it was glitzy, featured stylishly dressed unconventional cops, and had the ugliest boss cop ever. It was these surface qualities that contributed to the show's success, because there was nothing special about the stories.
A New Darkness is well written, but since it wasn't complete, there's no way to tell if it's special enough to launch a reboot.
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ericdickson
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate everyone's time and thoughtful notes.  This 24 pages was really thrown together with a few beers and about a day's work.  I know it's super dialogue heavy but what I was aiming for was the first 24 minutes (Act I) of a 2 hour pilot episode, as was the original Vice.  

Of course, no one but me knew that and by first glance, 24 pages is a long way to go before introducing JJ's future partner and the series co-star (Hayes).  This is about how long it took Crockett to meet Tubbs in the very first episode.  

I sort of strayed from the rules and basic concept of telling an entire story within the framework of 5 to 24 pages.  In that respect, and within the construct of this contest, this is a failure.  I totally get it

So...

I'm thinking of changing the title and doing a feature length original work based on the concept of my first act.  I do recognize I completely ripped off Swytek, Zito, Gina and Trudy.   But I can always go back and re work the characters.    
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ericdickson
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Quoted from Spqr
The original Miami Vice was a hit because it was glitzy, featured stylishly dressed unconventional cops, and had the ugliest boss cop ever. It was these surface qualities that contributed to the show's success, because there was nothing special about the stories.
A New Darkness is well written, but since it wasn't complete, there's no way to tell if it's special enough to launch a reboot.


I agree with you to an extent.  I believe the attraction of the show was the cars, girls, clothes and music.  After going back and re-watching this series from beginning to end, I do appreciate the writing for the most part.  At nine and ten years old, I never cared about such things and just liked the cars and girls.  But there was some snappy writing in a lot of the episodes.  The Prodigal Son, Out Where The Buses Don't Run, Freefall, Shadow in the Dark, When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.  All of the Calderon story lines with John Leguizamo.  This was all great stuff!  
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JEStaats
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Yeah, so...I didn't mind this so much. It really came across as a grittier, more contemporary, Miami Vice. There was a lot of dialog and banter and I seem to remember that in the original. And the detail, wow, the casting agent's got their work cut out for them to find a pock-marked, lazy-eyed actor.

All in all, I liked it. If you hadn't outed yourself to let us know that it would run as a two-hour pilot, I wouldn't have thought that much about it. Good luck with it and post the rest when its done.
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ericdickson
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Appreciate it.  I'm letting it simmer for now, probably go back to it in a couple weeks.
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SAC
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I really wanted to like this, but I bailed on page 13. I just didn't connect with the story. By page 13 if I can't figure what's happening yet, then I don't suspect things will get much clearer. This is way dialogue heavy, and sometimes that's a good thing, but what I was reading it seems a lot of it didn't pertain to the story, but gave us an overly long background. I kept wondering when this story was gonna get going, and it just felt like it never would. I think you made a very big mistake by not including the names Crockett and Tubbs. It seems you have all new characters, and I just wasn't feeling it.

Steve


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Some quality writing on display here, just too much of it in my opinion.  Very descriptive and the action blocks go on for a bit. Be a little more lean and mean in your descriptions. Can you say in 30 words  what you just said in 60?

That said, I didn’t really feel anything for the characters other than JJ, and even then he was a bit one-note for me. The story didn’t really get interesting to me until Glasco was doing his thing, and then unfortunately he’s gone before we know it.  It sounds like you have other ideas for this from the comments so the only suggestion I can really give you is to really tighten it up and skim off the excess descriptions.

Also, just an aside from me:  Brooding, sullen, angry, dark cops seem to be all the rage on tv these days, but it’s getting to be overkill from my point of view.  You want to stand out, then you need to find a different perspective, a different hook for your characters.  Just my opinion.

Still, good work here.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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