Thundarr The Barbarian by Darren James Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as Antonio del Sole (Based on characters created by Steve Gerber, Joe Ruby, and Ken Spears) - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy,  - In a post apocalypse wasteland ruled with mysticism and recycled technology, three heroes will stand up against the tyranny of a malevolent wizard as they escort two refugees out of the ruins of Manhattan. 26 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Thundarr The Barabarian - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer

Title card is an interesting choice to start. Sets the stage right away but I wonder if you couldn't show these events, quickly, and have it be more effective.

Whats a Mangat?

Modern day Amazon warrior? Do we finally have these today? Or present day you mean? But this is the future, so how can it be present? Why not just say Amazon warrior?

Manhat = Manhattan. Got it. Still not sure what Mangat is then. A typo?

OMG, these bat things are raping Jen? Wow. Ok.

Definitely a Heavy Metal vibe here. It kinda works.

Maybe the broken English is in tone with the setting and show, but damn is it hard to read. Must everybody speak so poor? Maybe. Thundarr be the only one who speak bad. Maybe, it will be easier read if so. Maybe. An idea that's good.

Ok, here is the problem. There is so much going on here and you just throw us into the middle of all this Hanna-Barbera madness. For a show/script as wild as this you really need to introduce things slowly. Having an outsider character learning about this world along with us would help. Or slow down and really sell us on this crazy world of the future bit by bit. Maybe just focus on Thundarr then pull the curtain back. Slowly.  Right now it's sink or swim and I'm sinking.

And because of that, I'm out.
  

I saw this at the bottom with the least views and reviews so I thought I'd give it some love...

Page 1 - The title card is a bit long but sets the stage. Action is starting off overwritten but let's see how it goes.

Page 2 - Is there a difference between MANGAT and MANHAT? What's the parenthetical (off)? Never mind, should be (O.S.) after character name.

Page 3 - You point swords and spears, not aim.

Your slugs are a little confusing and inconsistant. 'KEEP' - what kind of Keep? Groundling Keep?

Page 11 - "It's not the words. It's the one that speaks them." Thundar's pick up line gets him mounted in a hurry.

Page 14 - Some mispellings that ruin the flow here.

Finished. I started skimming through a lot of the battle scenes. The issues for me were the slugs (inconsistant and vague) and the action being overwritten.

Even so, I kinda enjoyed that. There doesn't seem to be a lot of fantasy entries like this in OWC's. It was refreshing. Good work writer.

I was a huge Thundarr fan from the original series.  And honestly, when I heard that it was being redone, what happened was what I feared.

I could follow all the action.  I understood what you were going for.  It was very true to the original series.  

But, for an outsider, it was far too hard to follow.  Too much going on.  

And you had him

SPOILERS

kill his main adversary.  No no no no no no no no...

I would have focused on one part.  I would have shown the history of the world.

In some ways, this felt like the TV version of the Chronicles of Shannara.  

I'd shorten the scope, clean up the typos.  And not give everything away.

Why not just have them fight Gemini this episode and find out the truth next?  Or fight her dad?

You just had too much...

Great idea.  Fix it up and I think it'd be a great way to reintroduce the series.

Dan

Hey writarr,

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the problem I had with it will be shared by many other readers...

I never watched the original, and inspite of reading the wiki I basically struggled to get to grips with the grand sweeps and complete alternative universe aspects. The writing is actually pretty good, it does go on a bit with the descriptions, but overall I'd give you a tick for the craft work. I read it and tried to take it all in but I just couldn't nail it down.

Now, that's not to say that this is a bad script, not at all, but for someone who hasn't seen the show it's going to be a struggle. So here's the predicament. I didn't get out as much as others probably will due to my lack of knowledge, but that's my fault and you've done your job. Essentially, even though I didn't particularly enjoy it, I can see that you've gone into the challenge and produced what you were asked to.

That being said, is it a reboot or just another episode? Maybe someone with some knowledge of the original can sort that out for me as it will influence the voting on my part.

It wasn't without faults. The second page was just for your contact info and the last page had nothing on it, but I'm still leaning towards a positive take on the challenge.

Oh, and more blood and guts flying all over the place, including more dead kids. I put that at five of the ten scripts I've read with dead youngsters in it. Not marking you down for it as it seems to be essential to work in this instance, but what's going on with this challenge and child murder!!!!!

Cam

My basic take on this is that since I'm not a fan of this type of genre, the script was going to have to really stand out to get my attention and it didn't quite get there.  The script felt clunky in spots -- too much explanation and descriptions in the actions blocks and not enough emotion; i.e., you didn't really make me feel anything for the characters.  It could be because the dialogue felt very wooden and not natural. I know that's the way they might speak on the show, but it doesn't look good on the page (or at least doesn't read well).

Still, I'll say you show a flair for writing and that I'd be interested in seeing something of yours in a more straightforward genre.

Best of luck,
Gary

“A tank of a man, OOGLA, rides up on a body of a horse but the head of a dragon.” — This sentence is a awkward. Maybe more like “rides a creature that has the body of a horse and yada yada…”

“gibberish that is hard to understand.” — as opposed to more comprehensible forms of gibberish.

It appears we’ve got a gritty reboot of a children’s cartoon. I think it’s too far into R-rated direction. You can ground it and make it feel more real without making it entirely inappropriate for children. Imagine if the Transformers movie featured Optimus Prime saying “I’m gonna skull fuck you”. It’s a bit jarring.

The action here was okay, but for a lot of the time it felt like all action. Ultimately it seemed like little more than a series of fights, while the characters and their situation weren’t developed enough to give me a reason to care about the action. It was a good effort, but not for me.

Quoted from EWall433 “A tank of a man, OOGLA, rides up on a body of a horse but the head of a dragon.” — This sentence is a awkward. Maybe more like “rides a creature that has the body of a horse and yada yada…” “gibberish that is hard to understand.” — as opposed to more comprehensible forms of gibberish. It appears we’ve got a gritty reboot of a children’s cartoon. I think it’s too far into R-rated direction. You can ground it and make it feel more real without making it entirely inappropriate for children. Imagine if the Transformers movie featured Optimus Prime saying “I’m gonna skull fuck you”. It’s a bit jarring. The action here was okay, but for a lot of the time it felt like all action. Ultimately it seemed like little more than a series of fights, while the characters and their situation weren’t developed enough to give me a reason to care about the action. It was a good effort, but not for me.

Actually if Optimus Prime said anything about skull fucking I'd probably go and watch that movie and have a great laugh.  No I don't want to see it but it would be a great line.

Kinda like that poor dog.  Apparently this dog bugged a croc for over a decade.  Crews went to see this tiny yippie dog bark at a sun bathing croc.  For years the croc peacefully went back in the water.  Today he took the dog with him.  Can't tempt fate and not get burned.  

Dan

I would say the main problem with this script was you had a tendency to push the boundaries just a little bit too far just enough times to distract the reader from the actual story and characters. A dead kid is one thing, but did we need to see a dagger stuck in him? It seems like a stupid detail, but some details are better left to the imagination.

Like you could of implied those beasts in the beginning raped Jen, but you used dialogue instead to clearly state what had occurred. Very rarely is it necessary to use dialogue to explain something that has occurred off screen when it holds no significance to the greater story.

I love the world building, and I love the choice, but pull back a bit and let the readers imagination fill in the horrors of this world, that way you can focus on the characters and story.

Antonio del Sole? Attorney-at-law? Professor? Is this your real name or a clever pseudonym? This is supposed to be an anonymous challenge, btw.

What's with the random ii page that just says "Address Phone Number"? Strange start right out of the gate.

TITLE CARD [usually SUPER:] should be playing OVER BLACK... or is this not playing over black? If there's a background, you should FADE IN. Very questionable start.

"FADE OUT"? You never faded in. Oh, now you do.

Is Mangat (instead of Manhat) intentional? I google "Mangat Thundarr" and the first hit is this script. I'll take it as intentional. Maybe Manhat would've been too OTN?

I like how you tell us right off the bat that it's formerly Manhattan, versus the more mysterious way the cartoon pilot handled it.

Be careful about overwriting.

You changed Ookla to Oogla. Okay.

Quoted Text A tank of a man, OOGLA, rides up on a body of a horse but the head of a dragon.

It's alive, right?

You made Ookla/Oogla's hair white instead of yellow/blonde. Nice change. I picture him being older and wiser. Refreshing.

Quoted Text Slung over his back[,] a quiver of arrows and a long bow.

Be mindful of commas and run-ons.

You basically kept Ariel the same, except for Asian and silver > gold.

Thundaar is pretty much the same, except for a hairstyle makeover. He resembles a Viking rather than Joe Elliot (Def Leppard).

Wait... Is it Mangat or Manhat? Maybe it was a typo? "G" and "H" are right next to each other on a keyboard, so... Fair enough.

Marco is original to this script. So is Jen.

Quoted Text Pale Skin speaks in a gibberish that is hard to understand.

Reads a tad redundant. Gibberish, by definition, is hard to understand.

You seem to be toeing the line with network TV's Standards & Practices.

The Groundlings is also a famous improv comedy troupe.

Very poor writing here:

Quoted Text All the Groundlings turn[, t]he three warriors there to greet them. Aliel (sic) raises her right hand, which gives off a solar[-]like glow.

When did Ariel become Aliel? Then again. how did Manhat become Mangat and back again? And is Ookla even Oogla? If you can't even get this much right, then you have failed the challenge.

Out on page 3. Sorry.

Writer,

You know, get past all the prose-like writing, and all the names of things I didn't know, and you have a good story here. You created a pretty cool world, and even though I wasn't as invested as I could have been, I still thought this was good. Not the best, but it never got tired and there was a good amount of action to keep it moving. Well done!

Steve

Notes as I go:
This is way too much for a title card.
Why do you have to describe Ariel and Thundarr to us? Anyone who's seen the Thundarr knows. Also, we IMDB'ed the series.
Typo - Mangat, Manhat. And then, Manhat? This is kind of disrespectful. Then again it might be their slang in 3994
You come to seek him? - p7 - question mark does change the way you read it.
p9 "you can't?" better be "can you?"

Very interesting so far. Going on:
Woah, they have sex? And in front of other people? I thought it was a cartoon for children. Got to check out the rating. Not that I don't think you can't change the rating in yours.
But who watches adult cartoons? I don't know, maybe some people do.
Sex with a barbarian - there's something dirty about it)

p14 "But have concern for you" - something is wrong with this sentence. I didn't get if he has a concern for his daughter or it's the men he's talking about.

Sabian clearly came to warn them. Why would they attack him? That's not a smart move either as Sabian looks like an expert warrior. Besides he has an army, they don't.

I think it's a good idea for a reboot and it was indeed a pleasant read. An easy read at that. But I think you need to work on those characters, they all sound the same.

Here's a great documentary on Thundarr.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpnBtlnm5eA&t=164s

Can't believe I never heard of this show before, I love all that 70/80s Hannah Barbara/ Filmation stuff.
This could make a great feature. A mix of He-Man, Mad-Max and Harry Potter.

Hey writer,

this never aired in my country but the premise alone sounds pretty cool. The looks of Thundarr actually remind me of the He-man character. Nice logline btw, let's see what you brought to the table...

p1 nice title card, probably even connect it with visuals

the character descriptions and location descriptions are marvelous

p2 Manhat – Mangat

some typos you need to correct – I'll disregard them from here on

p4 nice reveal of conflict and theme through the dialogue here

p7 good antagonist intro

p9 I actually thought the Groundling army was more like pagan, sorcerer scum, but now Gemini also uses technology to communicate with Sabian -- not sure if this beat fits the tone so far. I rather would have liked he sees Sabian's reflection within the bowl of brain remains :-) or something…

Anyway, it's fun so far, good cinematic vision, I'm truly drawn in.

P11 hahaha nice little "side-fight" on top

P13 eventually it's a bit too much dialogue, the exposition should be done yet. So cut every word possible from now on…
P14/15 in contrast to p13, this works much better - let the actions take control like here, then the dialogue is all right, on a par and enjoyable

P17 Fort scene feels rushed. They just arrived, so bring in some drama: "Where is everyone??". You rather just jump into the next face up with Gemini.

Okay, then the biggest action breaks loose, hard to write but you know your visual approach very well.

The whole world and their unleashed natural/not so natural forces within are intriguing and absolutely unique. It misses some relaxing beats though. Especially the rules are partly a bit too much at once. "This is the brother of – they come from this kingdom etc etc" feels partly a bit overwhelming. We rather should learn more organic and probably slower - with the characters. Perhaps you could even ease it a bit and don't come up with so many things to consider. Not everything must been said – some stuff could stay simple. A lot of the main conflict between those races was carried by dialogue which always makes it harder to bring it in context; like there's an inner cinema where I need to organize your world's rules without having everything in front, on screen. Possibly Thundarr should narrate some more (not meant as VO; rather as giving him more screen time and calm moments), so we identify he guides us. But hard to nail it with a first take, so this is no real critique on what is, rather points for improvement.

Timet to say, all in all, this is crazy material, a big vision, entertaining stuff, and a quite unique picture. I wouldn't even change the plot or any sequence. Rather polish it and concentrate on the readers' guidance by shaping out and enlarging the good and clear parts while reducing the confusing, over-challenging stuff to a minimum (like fewer Latin words, specific terms that are hard to put in context in a live-experience and so on --- even little things like that may help your overall expression).

A very ambitious picture. Good work!

Not my type of entertainment, but the script was damn good.