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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Knight Rider - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Knight Rider - OWC  (currently 2672 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Knight Rider by David Hasselhoff - Series, Action - A special operative and an A.I. powered car full of gadgets and weapons are determined to take down the hostile A.I. responsible for destroying their organization. 24 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Knight Rider - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 4th, 2018, 12:42pm
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CameronD
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Female protag and female KITT. I like the change.

KITT can be the drone too? Smart.

Considering he's holding hostages with a paramilitary force, I doubt "breaking and entering" is an important charge against Dmitri. Hope he didn't do any shoplifting. lol Oh damn! Those were all just today! lol

KITT can be multiple cars? Again, nice touch. When Bonnie says they are taking "your KITT" offline it implies there may be others out there. As in there are others with KITTs too?

I was right, there are multiple KITTs it seems. But the most advanced AI on the planet? If so, why stick it in a car? Eh. Doesn't make much sense.

Lots of characters your'e throwing at me. I don't care about them. Wilton. Bonnie. Devon. Reggie. Bill. Ugh.

So the other KITTS all go bad? Interesting but not very threatening. They're cars.

Skimmed at the end. KITTS go rogue, Michelle and the last good KITT must stop them. Got it.

The action here at the end is frantic and hard to follow. The dialogue is fairly OTN too. You rush in the middle to set everything up but in the process you sacrifice character and story. The Face is a weak antagonist as we know literally nothing about it except all it seemed to do was carjack two vehicles.

I would have liked to have seen you go slower. Show us what these new KITTS can do. Michelle is very underdeveloped because of all your rushing. Really don't know what FLAG does, or the rules to how these KITTS work. Maybe save the hack and betrayal at the very end as a cliffhanger? I dunno, tricky but what you have here needs work.

That said, you did a great job rebooting the technology to modern day. I do like the idea of bad KITTS out there as all my favorite episodes of the old show featured KARR, the evil KITT. More focus on character and less on action please.





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ChrisBodily
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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The Hoff? Is it really you?


Quoted Text
A sleek black semi trailer (the MCU) glides along a secluded mountain highway.


I had to do some googling to figure out whatever the hell you're  talking about. I knew it wasn't the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Apparently, a semi-trailer and a semi-truck are the same thing.


Quoted Text
A black 2018 DODGE CHALLENGER SRT DEMON


I'm car-illiterate. But damn, that's a sexy ride. Looks like KITT is ready for prime time (pun intended). Reminds me of the unveiling of the DeLorean in Back to the Future.


Quoted Text
[INT/EXT.] KITT


M******* Knight. Nice twist.

KITT, too? This is gonna be fresh.


Quoted Text
Dimitri immediately loses muscular control and falls like a rag doll.


Living in a movie?

CONT'D is almost never necessary, unless a block of dialogue at the bottom of the page is continued at the top of the next page. In that case, (MORE) appears at the bottom of the previous page.

Why do you refer to Maria as "The Girl"?


Quoted Text
I'm with F.L.A.G.

Maria and the Man exchange puzzled looks. Neither's heard of it


Me, neither. It stands for Foundation for Law And Government.

In dialogue, abbreviations are usually spelled out for timing reasons. Don't ask me why.

End of Page 7. I'm gonna stop here for tonight and resume in the afternoon. Love it so far.

Good afternoon. I'm back for a second helping.

"BILL DANIELS". Nice Easter egg. I still can't believe Mr. Feeny was KITT.

Had to Google Asimov's Three Laws. Pretty straightforward.

Reggie (RC3), for the uninitiated (like myself), was a season four character. It appears you made him Hispanic instead of black.


Quoted Text
Hey[,] Reggie.


Always offset with commas.

CONT'D is almost never necessary.

Man, Devon is a hardass.

Nice plot twist with KITT.


Quoted Text
I'm sorry, I can't let you do that.


Is this an intentional 2001 reference?


Quoted Text
unconscious  and buckled into the passenger seat.


You have a double space.


I give up. What the hell is MCU?



Quoted Text
I got your six


Six what?


Quoted Text
Two rockets blast out from KITT, exploding a large hole [in] the wall.



This sentence still reads awkward, even with the missing word.

LATER is only necessary if it's the same setting.


Quoted Text
M*******, I can't let you do this.


Now, it's an intentional 2001 reference.


Is an MCU like an RV? What the hell does it even stand for? Not answering this question was a huge mistake. You should have told us on the first page what MCU is and stands for.

For the most part, a solid script. But please, any time you use an unfamiliar acronym, explain it. Spell it out for the uninitiated. Please! Spare us the time wasted stumping Google.


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ChrisBodily  -  June 3rd, 2018, 5:54pm
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Cameron
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Knight Rider, a childhood classic of the Hoff and his mechanical friend, I'm sure there's a Grimm fairytale about that. So how is this rebooted? Could you change KITT to a Mini Cooper? Maybe a motorbike? Or possibly it's a rogue Shetland Pony with a dark past, forever chasing the murderers of Shergar? That's my suggestions, yours was better.

So we've got Michelle now and KITT is a lady car, that'll do it! Nice twisting of the original concept and it's just about twisty enough for me to go with it.

Liked this drone thingy, that's handy. Never got why folk didn't just hide in forests when it came to Knight Rider, turns out we've got a drone so they're toast if they try.

The story itself. It doesn't really surprise in any particular way, other KITT's have gone rogue after catching a virus, seems quite standard but I guess the show was never particularly complicated.

In summary. Nice enough twist, good competent writing, alright story and it was fun.

Alright effort, all in all.

Cam
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grademan
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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That was nicely done. No old main characters to keep alive, a tough new adversary (AIs have been fighting  each other since at least 1970 in  Colossus: The Forbin Project so nothing new there) All the requisite characters: The rogue CIA agent, KITT is going go rogue himself if he "reboots", his partner who believes in KITT, the supportive mechanic. Oh, and every government doesn't want KITT running around anymore. The whole crew from the Love Boat has checked in.

To say it again. This was nicely done by an action writer who knows his how to end his episode.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hello you,

Good description of Kitt being released to the street.

So, you got a Dodge here as Kitt - seems to be set in the future or "today". Okay, also we got a female as lead, might be his daughter, well, she probably is… female Kitt too.

That's a very good first page, writer.

Read on till page 6 and this is great. I'm not a big fan of the series nor a hater… well… then this is how it's done, writer. Really convincing screenwriting. Sure the Russian thugs element is a bit cliché but how it plays out with Michelle, the new elements like drone and stuff, dialogue, structure of series intro, all very well done…

Read all the way through from here, and fear to sound like a flatterer because I have no true negative points to critique on.

The material feels super intriguing for kids, highly commercial regarding product placement (Dodge Mercedes Ford cars etc.), dialogue fits, plot is super solid … also good build up of conflict for coming episodes.

Possibly there is a little too much blood for a children series, but what do I know, they all play ego shooters today…

Your perfomance convinced me in all areas



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Warren
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Another really well written script. I probably prefer the other Knight Rider more, but that’s not to say this isn’t good.

In parts the action was a little unclear and I wasn’t sure what I was meant to be seeing.

It definitely makes a good reboot; female MK and KITT.

It is also structured really well to be a pilot of a reboot series, in that you set us up, give us a look at how the organisation is at the moment, hell breaks loose, and we end with the start of what it will look like going forward. You also give us a bit of a cliff-hanger.

Another slight issue I had was that the dialogue, although very good for the most part, it did have moments that were really cringeworhty.

That being said this is another reboot I would watch.

Well done.


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SAC
Posted: June 7th, 2018, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

So, um... Wow! This was pretty damn good. Knight Rider is another one of them shows that I've never watched, so I was pretty blind going in, except for the basics, KITT and Hasselhoff. But this impressed me. The writing, your voice, and story. Pretty good reboot idea. This was just a good complete story, well thought out and a real nice cliffhanger. Excellent work!

Steve


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Spqr
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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This would make a solid reboot as it is, but I'm wondering if it could be taken a step further. KITT has been enhanced, but it's still basically the same vehicle as before. This may be silly, if not sacrilegious, but what if KITT was capable of flight thanks to something like an anti-gravity engine? You could open new vistas for adventure...
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, nearing the end of the scripts.  The second of the "Knight Rider" scripts is up.  Let's see what we have:

Great opening sequence, really well-written.  Like the opening to a James Bond movie.

What is F.L.A.G.?  Is this ever explained?  We'll see -- I didn't watch the original series, so I don't have the background as to what the acronyms would be about.  Maybe need to explain that for us newbies.

Okay. Wait a second.  Reggie Cornelius III is NOT a Hispanic name.

Cool sequence with the disappearance of the other KITT's.  

Good ending, nice wrapping up of the story.  Overall very well written.  Held my attention throughout. Good choices with the reboot.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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JEStaats
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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The Marvel Cinematic Universe is a semi-truck? What's MCU?

Haven't seen this style used before: Russian Thug/Brute/Baddie/Goon etc.  Very cool way to differentiate between random characters from the same hood. I like that a lot more than Russian #1/2/3/4.

Some would say that 'Dr.', especially in dialog, should be spelled out as Doctor. Agree?

Page 8 and I still don't know what F.L.A.G. stands for.  Some acronyms have periods and some don't (F.L.A.G. vs CIA/MCU). Why is that?

Wow. Page 11 and I've lost track of how many characters have been introduced.

APC?

Okay, so I never liked the original. I thought it was hokey and full of cheese. This? I would watch this. Great writing here. Keep working on this.
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FrankM
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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In my wife's opinion the only reason to watch the original Knight Rider was to see David Hasselhoff in it, so the gender swap lost at least one potential viewer

In a vacuum I'd say it's neutral, but today it comes off a bit cliched. That said, I do remember reading that a majority of the elite-level assassins in the real world are female because they tend to be underestimated. Not sure how long that can last in a world with ubiquitous facial recognition, but anyways... the story works well and Michelle could come across as completely believable in the hands of a decent actress.

I can already see KITT getting rebooted in a cliffhanger, but to maintain the tension they'd have to have "cured" zero other KITTs before that point. That means it's going to have to come fairly early in the series as opposed to a season finale... which means the season finale will need to deal with the villain AI, who at this moment is underdeveloped. There's time over the course of a season to "flesh" out the character, but it should be more than a generic bad even in the pilot.

A very good reboot, which has us waiting on pins and needles for a literal reboot.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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khamanna
Posted: June 15th, 2018, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

The story is linear, easy to understand.

The characters - too many of them. Is there an importance to Wilton's character which you killed in the middle of your story? By the time you killed him I forgot who he was.
Your main character - Michelle - she's not very memorable to me. Not special. I think you need to work on ner.
Some of your scenes lack conflict - like the scene you introduce Wilton.

Some strange moments - like both Devon and Michelle are attacked by AI's and on p17 Michelle tells Devon they were attacked by AI's. Or did she say that to him to make her point sound better?

You ended it nicely - but there's no way that's the end of the episode. The episodes for this type of thing are 40 min in length. I think you had to tell us/hint on what to happen in the later pages.

Lot's of asides. I love them, but there's just too many.
And in the beginning, I noticed a lot of unnecessary parentheticals. I'm not reading them for the most part, especially when there's this many.

All in all, good work though, I think, because like I said it's a straightforward, easy to understand story. And a good one at that.
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Zack
Posted: June 21st, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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This one worked for me. Good pacing, really easy to follow. Made for a very fast read. You are very good with action sequences. I was able to visualize it all. Great work!

Unfortunately I didn't really get a feeling for any of the characters and by the end they all kind of blended together for me. Maybe the page limit hurt you on this front?

Either way, I liked this. Neat story with a solid wrap-up. I'd take a peak at a second episode.

~Zack~
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 21st, 2018, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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This reboot gives the reader a sense of what's possible and ends with a question that I think is pretty solid. It should be fun to watch KITT avoid being reset at all costs.

It's appropriate for a new team to form after they quickly disbanded from FLAG, even if it felt forced - the intent is there and that's all that matters. The plot points are great at every step, plus a lot of these entries should be hour long so it'd be dumb to fault writers for rushing the plot.

The action was written well, those were probably my favorite parts. The hijacking of multiple KITTs was interesting and a worthy adversary in opposition to KITT KITT. She's got a long road ahead.

I don't really have too much negative, this is a script that needs thirty more pages to reach it's full potential with characters. This is overall solid, great work, but it unfolds in a way that warrants more to land the necessary punch.

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