SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:55pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Fiesta Muerta
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Fiesta Muerta  (currently 635 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Fiesta Muerta by David Lambertson (eldave1) writing as  - Short, Drama - Sometimes, you ought to not leave the country for your bachelor party.  8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Philostrate
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 7:40am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
341
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Dave,

Just read this one. I really enjoyed it.

Obviously, well-written with fleshed-out characters and effective dialogue.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Valentina sort of reminded me to Zoe Saldana's character in Colombiana.  I expected Valentina being a killer but even this way it worked very well.

I was curious about the motives of the kidnapping and they didn't disappoint. What I didn't expect was the final twist. I liked it.

Some notes:

Page 3) In this line:


Quoted Text
Anthony snorts two lines of cocaine […].


Snorts is missing the 's'.

Page 4 & 5) A nitpicky suggestion --

PENTHOUSE SUITE - A BIT LATER
PENTHOUSE SUITE - EVEN LATER

Maybe could be rewriten as:

PENTHOUSE SUITE – MOMENTS LATER
PENTHOUSE SUITE – LATER

Page 6) There's a typo:


Quoted Text
Embedded in its base, an automatic pistol with a a silencer.


I noticed that you use few lines of Spanish here and there in your scripts (The Last Statesman - which I started to read, La Loteria - guessing from the title, this one, …). I suppose you have your own sources, but if you ever need help in this area just tell me.

I think this one would do a nice thriller short. I'd like to see that one playing on the screen.

All the best,

David


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 11:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
I noticed that you use few lines of Spanish here and there in your scripts (The Last Statesman - which I started to read, La Loteria - guessing from the title, this one, …). I suppose you have your own sources, but if you ever need help in this area just tell me.

I think this one would do a nice thriller short. I'd like to see that one playing on the screen.

All the best,

David


Thanks for the read and the notes, David. All on point and useful. Glad you liked it. Appreciate that you took the time to comment.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Who would've thought we'd get some hard-R rated material from Dave!

Well written for sure. I wish I could write like that.

Story wise, I didn't really find it that satisfying, to be honest. IMHO, for that much carnage, I think it all happened too fast. We didn't really get to know any of the characters enough to really care what happened to them.

Question: Why would he put a gold ring and gold Rolex on the table before getting in the water? As far as I know, gold is not harmed by water no matter how much chlorine is it it and a gold Rolex is usually good for up to 30 meters under water before it starts to have issues.

Pia


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
stevemiles
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Dave,

‘...pale as a New York winter’.  Great line.

Rocco’s a nice touch - his presence clues us into who/what these guys are without having to rely on exposition to do the heavy lifting.  He also lends a certain edge to those early scenes/set-up that might otherwise have been a bit perfunctory.

Writing’s solid, dialogue works - especially Hector - just enough info for us to fill in the gaps.

For the most part I like it with my only reservations being the payoff.  Valentina leaves with only Joey’s word that he’ll stump up the money?  Given that she just set up his three best friends to be executed I’m struggling to buy into him simply handing over 1 million.  Particularly as he’s supposedly well connected - what's she going to do if he doesn't?  Feels like she should be using more leverage over him to ensure he sends the money.  Maybe draw on the cheating angle to do so - kind of adding insult to injury.

All the best - and good luck with the Page contest.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Grandma Bear


Question: Why would he put a gold ring and gold Rolex on the table before getting in the water? As far as I know, gold is not harmed by water no matter how much chlorine is it it and a gold Rolex is usually good for up to 30 meters under water before it starts to have issues.

Pia


Because he didn't want an uneven tan line ???



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from stevemiles
Dave,

‘...pale as a New York winter’.  Great line.

Rocco’s a nice touch - his presence clues us into who/what these guys are without having to rely on exposition to do the heavy lifting.  He also lends a certain edge to those early scenes/set-up that might otherwise have been a bit perfunctory.

Writing’s solid, dialogue works - especially Hector - just enough info for us to fill in the gaps.

For the most part I like it with my only reservations being the payoff.  Valentina leaves with only Joey’s word that he’ll stump up the money?  Given that she just set up his three best friends to be executed I’m struggling to buy into him simply handing over 1 million.  Particularly as he’s supposedly well connected - what's she going to do if he doesn't?  Feels like she should be using more leverage over him to ensure he sends the money.  Maybe draw on the cheating angle to do so - kind of adding insult to injury.

All the best - and good luck with the Page contest.

Steve


Thanks, Steve - like your suggestions. This one was part of the bracket challenge thing (had to be a 5 characters at a bachelor party). Haven't had a chance to get back to it outside the challenge yet to see where it can be improved - like your suggestions


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
stevemiles
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Ah, I missed that whole challenge.  That makes a lot more sense now.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2018, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from stevemiles
Ah, I missed that whole challenge.  That makes a lot more sense now.


Thanks - had constraints - will get back to this one eventually


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006