Bike Wreck 1978 by Rob Herzog - Short, Comedy - An eight-year-old bicyclist wobbles his way into trouble. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Rob,

Liked the way you described Mikey, you got the imagery across.  Might be some visual humour to be milked in the build-up to the crash but in terms of an amusing pay off I'm just not seeing it.  Needs something else in there, otherwise I'm not quite sure what the point is.

Hi Rob,

Hats off to you for writing a 2-page screenplay. That's much tougher than a lot of people realize. That said, for a comedy this wasn't very funny. At least not to me. I'm guessing you are going for physical comedy here, so maybe this would work a lot better on the screen.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to visualize this because of the way it's written. First off, LOTS of unfilmables. Most of your descriptions are actually pretty good, but they can certainly be shortened. I truly believe this would benefit from a re-write. At two pages, this should be a lightning fast read, but your tendency to overwrite makes this drag a bit. Trim the fat, maybe punch up the dialog to be a bit wittier, and you'll have a solid short that would be very easy to film. Good effort.

Zack

Not much for me here.  Just didn't find it funny/interesting.  Sorry.

Ok.  First off, good story, somewhat humorous.  My only concern with this is your reference to Evel Knievel and the Snake River jump.  First, Evel did not use a bike to jump the Snake River Canyon, so to use that reference will throw the reader into a tailspin of concern.  Those who followed Evel's career, as I did when I was younger, remember the Snake River jump.  He used a small jet rocket to try and get across, but we all know he failed miserably.  Regardless, if you connect Mikey's bike wreck with say Evel's jump of the Caesar Palace jump, that might be better.  Evel used a bike to clear the fountains and crashed horribly.

That's it.  Everything else was visually entertaining.  It would have been funny if the old woman hit Mikey with her walker or purse, which would have added insult to injury.

Good job!