Riot Time Knock Off by Pepe Roni - Short, Drama - On a hot Summer day, a lovelorn man has only one solution. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hmm, not sure how I feel about this one.

On one hand, it's fairly well written. Had no problem following along. And I enjoyed the bit of misdirection at the end.

However, this just seemed tonally off. Maybe this could have used a few more pages of build up?

I am happy this didn't end the way I suspected it would, but it needs more.

Good effort.

Zack

Expertly written. Solid format, - writing crisp and clean. No complaints at all there.

SPOILERS

IMO, the contradictory impact of the heat was a bit confusing. It has an effect on your protag - but no one else really.  Examples, the neighbors mowing the lawn - meaning it's growing and it ain't too hot for someone to be out there mowing. Kids play in the park.

I thought this:

Quoted Text A GUN. Cold, black steel.

Was an unfair misdirect. It's steel here - but a water gun at the end.

Is a well-written story but it left me with the felling for more. What happened to Katrina? What is the event that made him point a gun at himself? But other than that. Is a good story but I just want a longer version.

Nice surprise - unexpected and welcomed. If it had gone the way I was thinking, I probably would have just rolled my eyes, so thanks for the twist.

No complaints from me. I wonder about the flashback to the argument and how that would be filmed without dialog. What would the audio be for that scene?

Good job.

This is only half a story. Unless the story is about the heat, which it isn't, the ending is missing. There is no satisfaction, no payoff in it. The crisis persists.

The misdirect strongly suggests he is playing out that same scene from Lethal Weapon deliberately, beat for beat, like his own private joke, and it robs all sympathy for his distress about the breakup.

Either make it more about the insufferable heat and cut out the breakup (which would work just fine here) or give us an ending that addresses the breakup. What message are you trying to deliver here?

Well written, but I did feel he had a gag on for the store closing scene. The opportunity to talk was too strong there. Still, great job working through this without dialogue, and I didn't feel it needed dialogue, just a little less reaction from him when clearly he wanted to yell out and rail against someone.

Generally a good read. A few things that threw me off just a little:
1] At first, we don't know that he's sweating from the heat, specifically. He's crying. He might have just had a fist fight or something, and that's why he's sweating. Just add the line about the sun beating down a little earlier, maybe.
2] Do playing children "cackle"?
3] Why does the concession stand woman sneer at him? This misdirects. It makes it seem like it's part of the story.

So the heat drives people to do desperate things. Crime rates rise during the hot months. So I figured we'd have a few scripts about thinking about ending it all...

So I had to read it twice to realize that he shot himself in the face with water. Because you say "A GUN. Cold, black steel." I guess you needed the word steel is to misdirect the reader.

Not sure what you were going for here, other than the twist ending.

I think the no dialogue thing is not working here. The brief wasn't a mime short. This is a fine little story but there are too many instances where people would have obviously spoken.

Still it's basically a set up and pay off and that's what you want from a short so good job on that.

Nothing to complain about as far as the writing itself is concerned. If I'm to nitpick I'd say the fight scene was generic. The ending was surprising but no entertaining because there was no clever setup. Yes, he was sweating but that wasn't enough. It left me unfullfilled.

Jets of cool water splash his sweaty, tear-stained face. I am a bit confused. Is this a water gun then? Or did he kill himself? At one point he was filling the pool… then in the living room… It would be better if this was a water gun for the fake suicide to happen outside IMO.

Nicely written overall. I did care for Andy.

I’m not sure how much the summer heat had to do with this except it was th cause of Andy’s sweaty shirt maybe?

Good work.

Oh, that's just not right.

SPOILER ALERT


It's a water gun?!

Children's laughter would be better... Witches cackle.

A tear falls on her nose. ??
Just on the photo would do.

Two pages of a heartbroken man on a hot day

Andy musta' done a bad, bad, thing for Katrina to slap him like she does.

I'm just not invested in this man's pain.

I mean no offence.... I suspect you concocting the twist at the end was your main drawcard. It just doesn't work for me, and would probably elicit a groan from me on screen.

So it was a water pistol after all? Correct?

Not sure the story did much for me. An upset man struggling with his emotions following a Split up.

Does he take his life etc

But no, it’s a water pistol

The park at the beginning didn’t seem to have much connection, and the neighbour again didn’t have anything else.

I think if the tone, genre, was changed, almost splastick, the water pistol could work, but here it felt a little out of tone with this emotional distress.

Funny I could picture a dark comedy about faking to kill oneself - could be an angle to work on.

Only a few left to read, so let's see if I can add a little more detail to my already detailed reviews.  

I haven't commented much on the Summer heat theme, but I'm going to here.  I live in AZ and we've had highs around 110 the last week...which is HOT.  We have a park nearby that we can walk through the desert to get to, and when we have grandkids over, we take a hike through the desert and hit the park to play."  We can't and won't do that even when the temp is above 95, as it's way too hot for kids to be out, playing on metal playsets.  So, what am I saying?  It appears you've already missed the mark here, as you have all these peeps out in a park, and if it's truly hot, they wouldn't be out there.

Your Flashback is not correctly formatted.  You don't want to include it in your Slug.

"HOUSE-ROOM" - uh....OK, now I know exactly where we are.  Thanks!  NOT!!!

This scene, the way you've written it, obviously would require dialogue, and here, it comes off almost comedic, with the arm waving and pointing, but no talking.  Doesn't work.

Wait, where is this supposed to take place?  A concession stand in a neighborhood park?  He can see cold drinks in "the" cooler"  What cooler?  Is the cooler open, revealing the cold drinks?  And this concession stand has a security shutter and an employee?  Why would they close at 3:00?  And, how do we know what time it is?  More waving arms and pointing, which again don't work.  You need dialogue here again.

Seems like this is a comedy?  I'll have to check and see what the genre is listed as.

Why is he all sweaty at night inside his cute little ranch house?  Doesn't he have A/C?  Hmmm, the windows are open for some reason.  Why in the world would he have his windows open if it's so hot?

So the gun is a steel water pistol?  Riiiight.  I don't buy it at all.  Seems like the entire intent here is to make it out to seem like Andy is so depressed he's going to kill himself, and then, the gun turns into a squirt gun.

This is actually the 2nd script where a guy puts a gun in his mouth, but the other script has a much different result.

Sorry, this doesn't do anything for me.  It's short, and I thank you for that, but it's not heartfelt, nor is it remotely realistic.

  

Wroootiiirr (the Dutch spelling of writer...maybe),

Another great example of a lot happening on a couple of pages, with absolutely no wastage or over writing. It was a nice twist to a well written little story.

Not much to say other than well done, tis a goodie,

Cam