Zombie Romance by Oksana Shafetova - Short, Horror - One night Barbara’s husband returns infected by deadly virus. Now it’s up to Barbara whether to join her beloved or slay him. 4 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Firstly, you need screenwriting software. This seems to have been writing in Microsoft Word or something similar.

On top of that, the opening paragraph needs to be rewritten. I'm sure there's a term for this, but you should never use the same word to describe another word. "Spacious space," "roomy room," "cavernous cave."

You need to work on your action lines as you're using too many words to describe the mundane. If you're going to do this, use flowery words that are a joy to string together. Don't be monotonous with action as it gets boring real quick.

Lastly, either ditch the parentheticals altogether or cut them down. Plus, they should be UNDER the character name, not off to the side.

Hello Oksana,

I have to agree with Steven.
You don't need the parentheticals. You could just describe in the action what you want us to see.
The title page ( even though I like it as a poster) shouldn't be on your title page, only the Title, your name and contact info.
But your story was pretty neat. I liked it.

Cindyj

I'm becoming more enamoured and tolerant of fancy-font titles, but what you’ve got here is essentially a poster. It’s a great looking poster but I'd attach it to the script thread separately and that will also benefit in attracting filmmakers.

I really enjoyed your take on the Zombie genre here. Some really good funny moments, from when he touches her leg and she responds with pleasure to her delight that she’s no longer feeling the effects of migraine – made me chuckle.

Format glitches aside there are a couple of description lines and odd phrasings that could do with a tweak:

Is the 'flaming bottle’ a Molotov Cocktail?

pulls over the blanket. – perhaps: pulls the covers up/over her head /over herself

BARBARA (muted voice) - incorrect format for parenthetical. See below.

BARBARA
(muted voice)

Alt: muffled voice.

Go (away,) Max. Daddy will take you out.

A key rattles and falls down the floor.

A key rattles, falls onto the floor.

Note: this is outside the apartment so I think you'd write:
EXT. APARTMENT – HALLWAY – NIGHT

Otherwise it reads as if Harry is actually inside the apartment in the internal hallway and outside the bedroom whereas he's not actually inside the apartment yet at all. Least it read that way for me.

A key is stuck in the lock.
Perhaps: A key fumbles in the lock.

Hon?! Walk with Max, please!
Hon...?  Take Max out for walkies, please.

Btw, reduce all the exclamation points. It’s overkill. Stick with one when you use them (not three in a row) and use them for high points of tension otherwise there’s no rise and fall in suspense but a static high level instead. Using too many actually reduces their effectiveness.

Power is cut again, it won’t be fixed
soon. Better march to bed.

Suggestion:
Baby...? You still there? Power's out again. Better just come to bed.

The ball goes out. The dog growls in the end of the
hallway.
Suggestion: The ball rolls out...

Great face-off between Harry and the dog btw. Funny stuff.

Gunshots on the street.
Suggestion: The sound of GUNSHOTS

Ohhh... it helps…
Suggestion: Ohhh... That helps...

What’s going outside? I’ve heard
screaming.

Perhaps:
What’s going on outside? Is that screaming. Never mind it's probably my head/ my migraine

almost whistling.

Delete 'almost' – whistling, wheezing, perhaps?

She sits, rubs her eyes and peers.
Suggestion: She sits upright/ or bolts upright, peers into the darkness

Baby?..
Baby...? (correction of ellipses use)

Harry!!!
Just one exclamation point.

Two shots
Two gunshots

Format the Man's voice properly.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(screaming)
Fucking die already!!! Just die! Die!.. (yours)
Fucking die, already! Just die! Die...! (my suggestion)

points a flash on him.

I gather you mean the light of the cell phone?
Flashes the cell-phone light on him.

I dial 911!
I'll dial 911.

HARRY (hoarse voice)
      HARRY
(hoarse voice)

OPERATOR’S VOICE
Due to emergency state you have to
barricade home and arm. Don’t contact
anybody. In case you are infected...Don’t contact
anybody.

Did she phone 911 and this is a recorded message?
Indicate this as a V.O.

Also, this needs rephrasing. Suggestion:
...  State of emergency has been declared. Remain in your homes. Barricade and arm yourselves...

presses her hand to
the mouth as it [i]downs on her that Harry dies[/i]. He dies?
Dawns, btw. Typo there.

Her hand flies to her mouth, she gasps... It dawns on her, Harry is dying.

Hmm, not sure about this wording.
He's not dead yet, right? He already died technically and turned into a Zombie.

I love her turning the note over btw. Great moment.

dog barks up
on the window.

Suggestion: The dog barks, it’s snout pressed to the window./ or, up against the window
Typo: its snout, not: it's - contraction of it is.

BARBARA
Oh… Migraine vanished!
Love this line.

She sniffs
noisily and doesn’t look at Harry anymore.

Suggestion: Nose in the air, she sniffs noisily.

I'm on the fence about the ending. Might be nice if their interest doesn’t wane from each other but that instead they jointly look at the dog as dinner – but still as a combined force romantically.

It is after all a romance. And their love should never die.

Remember to Fade In and Fade Out, top and tail.

Great script, Oksana. Loved it.

P.S.
The dog barks.

Perhaps: The dog barks, whimpers. (or yelps)

FADE OUT.

It looks like LC has most things covered.

I just wanted to see the title page. While this is something I would never do or recommend it’s hard not to love it. Is it all your design? Definitely make for a great poster if the film were to be produced.

Aside from a slight format issue with the parentheticals, I think they're mostly fine. Your English needs improvement. The best way is to read lots of English novels. Not screenplays. Screenwriters use shortcuts that can only be learned once you know the long way around. I suppose you essentially need to increase your vocabulary, and novels, imo, are the best way to do this... and they're fun.

Also, nice poster... but this doesn't make your script any better. Let your writing do the talking. If it isn't good enough, a great poster isn't going to help it. In fact, it's probably something of a red flag.

Oksana, a couple of options for free screenwriting software:

http://www.trelby.org
https://writerduet.com

Hi! I'm so grateful for your comments and soft advice. I have to do a lot of work now to fix things due to your recommendations. Also, I will try to make better format and definitely download programs you've sent. Thank you again! I really appreciate it.

Hi okana

Formatting - you’ve had good advice. One reason to tighten this up is to avoid people monaing about it and allowing your story to be the focus.

Story - I liked the wife not knowing what was going on, adds tension. Also you had a natural way to the dialogue.

Twist - this was the weak part for me. It was always one or the other. Nothing surprised. And who the hell wants to be like that...but that’s me. In short, no great surprise, and when you write shorts, it does helps to have a great  surprise.

Make the reader think, wow, I didn’t guess that.

Best of luck

And well done for stepping into this arena

Hi Reef Dreamer,

Thank you a lot for your commentary. I find it quite helpful, especially an emphasis on a twist. Thank you again.

Oksana, PM'd you.

I liked the story... I don't think it needs a twist. I liked how he didn't attack her despite his urges and then she even had time to decide whether or not to join him. Then the kissing.

I think this would turn out well on film. Despite the linear nature, the visuals are something that will stick in the mind.

You should avoid the photoshop film posters. If I find them annoying there will be others that do too. You're a writer, stick to writing.

I agree. Some stories don't require a twist.

Looking forward to writing a review for the blog page if Oksana's interested.
It would film nicely.

Zombies continue to rule.