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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Mr. Goodbye
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  Author    Mr. Goodbye  (currently 193 views)
Don
Posted: September 8th, 2018, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr. Goodbye by Adam Nadworniak - Short, Horror - Meet Mr.Goodbye,a man with a mysterious and horrific ability that allows spirits to have there final goodbye's or their vengeance. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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HyperMatt
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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The concept is an interesting, a kind of paranormal investigator who can be inhabited by the dead he is investigating, but spelling and formatting errors were too distracting for me to fully get into the story. I felt some empathy for the two ladies, but not much.

I found Mister Goodbye a bit unsympathetic, but thinking about it maybe it was the possession. It did not click with me straight away that he was possessed.

The reveal of how Davy was killed, the corruption story, was a bit too conveniently wrapped up.
The demonic attack reminded me a lot of Venom. It’s going to be expensive, and unnecessary.
I think you need to break down your action descriptions rather than have them as a big bulk.

You should show us visually what these characters are rather than tell us we can see that Rebecca is pregnant, but we cannot see that Helen is her mother in law, again 'he will only be known as Mr Goodbye', you should not and don't need to tell us that.  

MR.GOODBYE
You got to me five finger fucking me...
- What does that mean?

I’ve had typos pointed out in my own script, so I don’t want to be the pot calling, the kettle black, but there is a hell of a lot of typos. I stopped counting them after page 3. You should get a friend or somebody to give it a good going over. It really looks amateur and gets in the way of everything; it is the biggest problem this 8-page script has.  

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =  = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =  = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
You should put email on your title page so you can be contacted directly.

Take off the (Printed with an unregistered version of Fade In) at the footer of each page. It is  distracting and looks unprofessional( what software are you using?)

page 1
we open to reveal - capitalize 'We'
business cared - should be business ‘card’.
shes - should be ‘she's’
Rebecca is also spelt as Rebekah

Page 2
I think its Davy – ‘it's’ Davy
Capitilize Davy when he is first shown.

Daveys specter should be 'Davey's'
Into his hear should be into his ‘ear’.

Page 3
Not my Davy, should be ‘Davy. or !’
hes at peace should be ‘he’s’
he safe should be ‘he’s safe’.
he miss should be he ‘misses’
when its time should be when ‘it’s’ time.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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There are numerous typos and spelling errors even in the logline, which is why I wouldn't even want to open the actual script.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 24th, 2018, 9:58am
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HyperMatt
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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You've got a better eye than me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from HyperMatt
You've got a better eye than me.


Look at the logline alone...

"Meet Mr.Goodbye,a man with a mysterious and horrific ability that allows spirits to have there final goodbye's or their vengeance."

At least 4 obvious mistakes here, not including how awkward and/or senseless it is.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Matt
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Agreed, the logline needs work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt, but I didn't get pas the first action block.


Quoted Text
INT. DIRTY CABIN - AFTERNOON

we open to reveal a dirty country cabin with a pregnant
young women
. This is REBECCA, shes mid 20's (20's) and 7-8 months
pregnant. Besides her is a tired run down older women in her
late 40s or 50s
. This is Rebecca's mother in law HELEN (40's) Tired and run down.


The story telling needs work before I am able to actually read the story. above I have crossed out what is useless, in Bold re done as I think it should be.

See how many more words were used than necessary

No need to use phrases such as "We open, This is, We see" - They add to the word count and are mute

Try not to repeat yourself - Scene heading puts us in a cabin, then opening line tells us we are in a cabin - use an adjective in the scene heading if necessary so not to add words to the action block - You also tell us she is pregnant, twice, in one action block.

Try not to include what cannot be shown on camera - how can we film that she is her mother in law?

Writing like this detracts from the story. Cleaning it up will make it more readable, and give the story the best possible chance to be noticed


My works currently on SS

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Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
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