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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Savanna Stone Moderators: bert
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  Author    Savanna Stone  (currently 331 views)
Don
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Savanna Stone by Matthew Gayles - Drama - A washed up actress returns to her hometown to film a movie but when the star of the movie is kidnapped she is the only one who can save him. 106 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MatthewG
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely looking for honest feedback on this one so it can be the best it can possibly be
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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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The film sounds boring. Who is he kidnapped by?
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MatthewG
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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read and find out
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eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Matthew - read the opening page.

Your headers are formatted wrong. Here is good link.

https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

It's Savanna's not - Savannas


Quoted Text
SAVANNA STONE, an adorable ten year old girl, watches a VHS
copy of an old movie on her CRT television with her eyes
glued to the screen.


Kind of odd - you provide all the detail of the television equipment - but nothing on the movie.  Unless down the line it matters that this is a VHS- CRT set-up - just tell us she's watching the Wizard of Oz or something - or just TV for that matter.


Quoted Text
An old TRUCK pulls into the driveway and Savanna's DAD (early
40's) stumbles out of the car, stumbling around a bit and
obviously drunk.


Award writing - stumbling and stumbles.  Also - give him a name. Separate distinct actions - i.e., time passes between the truck pulling in and the dude getting out - give us a separate sentence. e.g.,

An old TRUCK pulls into the driveway.

FRANK STONE (40's) stumbles out of the truck, obviously drunk.


Quoted Text
DAD
Savanna we need to talk.


Comma after Savanna


Quoted Text
DAD
After I got some smokes I saw my
buddy Jimmy and we had a few
drinks. Then I saw another friend
and then we hung out for a little
while. That's all that happened


Found the above stilted - unnatural.

Try:

DAD
Uh, yeah - I ran into Jimmy at the store. We had a few
drinks.  
(belches)
That's all that happened


Anyway - just from page 1 there are some format and typos to tiddy up - best of l uck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MatthewG
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Itís a CRT and a Vcr because itís 20 years ago
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MatthewG
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Names arenít listed because itís from a childís perspective and thatís what she calls her parents
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MatthewG
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Did you mean award writing or awkward writing?
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eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2018, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Awkward


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from MatthewG
read and find out


But that's just it... the film sounds boring. You know how when you read a logline or tagline for a film on Netflix and you make a decision based on that? This is one of those moments. I'm not genuinely interested in who kidnaps him, I just thought it might help sell your story better if it was in the log.
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MatthewG
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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1. Canít change the log

2. Who kidnaps him isnít the hook, itís about who saves him
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MatthewG
Itís a CRT and a Vcr because itís 20 years ago


That doesn't necessarily tell me it was 20 years ago. They could just be poor.  Also, not sure how may of your average readers are going to have a clue is to what a CRT is (I do because I'm 61).

I would use a SUPER to set the time and place like you did later on.

Finally, the point of this scene is too show the girls love of movies (I'm assuming - so let me know if I'm wrong). But if it is - watch she is watching is far more important than how she is watching it. e.g., a 10 year old watching Citizen Cane, Gone with The Wind, Pretty Woman, etc. ) gives us more insight to her then the details on the TV. Anyway - you choice - just my opinion.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MatthewG
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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I couldnít think of a movie for her to watch lol yeah I guess citizen cane would tell a lot about her
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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2018, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MatthewG
I couldnít think of a movie for her to watch lol yeah I guess citizen cane would tell a lot about her


Cool - good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MatthewG
Posted: September 12th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Cool - good luck


Anything else?
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