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  Author    Gray Zone - 7WC  (currently 2055 views)
Don
Posted: November 3rd, 2018, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gray Zone by Alexander Brauck - Horror, Psychological Horror -  A middle-aged woman re-experiences her psychological trauma when she awakes in a one room gallery with no exit and its macabre curator raises his voice toward her. 77 pages - pdf format

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khamanna
Posted: November 6th, 2018, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Alex.

I'm in the process of reading yours. Actually wanted to do 25 of all scripts and then another 25 but got immersed in reading yours. Stopping to comment as no one did and I do want you to have something so you can work on it.

The things I say might be obvious for you by now, but I'll still say them.

I really like the wolf story and everything about it - the earlier image of her in the woods, her therapy sessions and so forth. I especially like the dialog between her and Francesca.
I do think that there's repetition to the image of a younger girl. I think you should provide different images to keep us engaged, or at least diversify the image somehow. Show her being happy with her dad and then the accident.
Also, the very first time you give us the image of her in the woods - you tell us the little girl was Evelyn but you don't show it. The cut to the scene is disruptive and not organic at all.
And you do say they're "different timelines" - that doesn't work for me. But let's see what others say about it. You might even ask around.
Actually, the way you chose to format it - "different timelines" thing - doesn't work for me at all. Again, possibly I'm just a square.

The description of small action or your directions provided to the actors took me out of this story (the wolf story) - but that's first draft, that all going to go, I think. I'll still make a note just in case. For example you say on p8 "grabs her own neck"
or p10 "uses this temporary calming"
or p12 "Evelyn nods her head up and down several times" - it's like she has Tourette's.

Still on the wolf story - p18 she's kicking the mask's butt for a page or so. P20 - she's doing the same thing and succeeding this time. Might want to leave only one fight and we'll know right away she's been at it.
I mean in order to keep it fresh and interesting - that's all.

Now to the other stories.
Let's take the mask story. You go in detail about the man who made it, you describe his clothes and himself. Then you tell us who Frank is and describe him in every small detail as well. But what's the importance of the scenes? Where's the conflict there? How do they play out in the common scheme?
I don't know. and if I'm to read about it later I think you should have introduced it much much earlier. Right now I slump every time I read about it.

Now to the lizard scorpion and rattle snake. Why three? The story is confusing to me. I don't understand the origin of her fear. What was done to Corry to make her so scared to the point she would be scared of the paintings? I understand that the story is about the natives who need three victims. All had to be bitten by three deadly animals. The three people are of different age and hers is a rattle snake, right?
THe way you explained it is confusing right now so you might want to work on that. Maybe say it in a straight forward fashion. I know you wanted to avoid being on the nose. So you told us about the native telling her the story of the three animals. Then she found out there should be three victims for these animals and their family suits just fine. But the way it's construed is again confusing to me.

Ok. I'm off to finish the read. I'll be commenting on the rest in another post.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 7th, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I liked the premise, but the read did not sustain my interest.

Hopefully my few comments will be helpful:

From the beginning, I found it challenging to read. You had me stuck on door leaf, but that I put down to unfamiliarity so no big deal.

As I continued, my editor's eye caught me up. I asked questions like: Is "super tidy" relevant to the story/the character?

It became apparent I was finding your word choice to be peculiar. Maybe English is your second language? Maybe you just have a unique way with words, but it was a stumbling block for me.

For Example:

all looks empty and unused as from the catalogues

When describing, try and be as clear as you can, but use as few words as possible.

The description of Evelyn's room is a bit clunky and overdone, but also unclear:

"colorful furnishings" could mean bean bag chairs or overstuffed chairs with red and green checkered print.

But besides any of that, does it matter to the story and or character? If it doesn't, don't bother with much detail in that regard. It all depends.

Evelyn's dialogue seems contrived at

"Mrs. Munz. It's Mrs. Munz. I must open the door for her."

I do like the image you put in my head with Evelyn pounding on the door.

I thought your closing page 2 this way was very effective. I had a clear picture in my head. Good job there.

But then, I'm just getting swallowed by every writer's curse. Is what we know and see being translated into the words we put down?

I know, because you've indicated (so good on you for that) that we're going into different timelines, but sadly, that notification takes me out of the story, which, I haven't grasped yet really anyways.

I know Evelyn's an upset girl who's afraid to leave her apartment and she has some kind of connection to Mrs. Munz and there's this Frank guy who's got her where he wants her because he's a bad dude.

Unfortunately, this is not enough for me to wonder about.

Going back to the top of page 2, there was a new heading that I didn't think was required.

Also, after Frank said, "That's where I want you." We didn't get any kind of visual clue or transition that helped us enter into those

DIFFERENT TIMELINES FOLLOW...

On page 4 should

THE BROWN HAIRED MAN instead be introduced as EVELYN'S FATHER?

Page 7 reveals that you were pressed for time, but pressed on through and submitted for the challenge so good on you for that! It's a lot of work.

Here, we see Evelyn *now* (33) one year earlier on the page, but I don't know how you'd show that on screen, unless it was depicted by what a person was doing approx one year earlier which would demand backstory into the life of the character in that one year prior.

Again, doesn't really matter, but maybe it does?

I feel that you were trying to shoehorn things into place. You had a really good idea, but perhaps you should rethink your beginning?

If you did, maybe you wouldn't need to direct the reader of different timelines, but introduce them through the hypnosis segment currently located on page 8 with Evelyn and Dr. Francesca.

EVELYN'S HYPNOSIS is written on page 8

on page 9, page 11 in parentheses in the heading, and a lot of BACK TO SCENES

Look at different ways you can handle this so it's not so disrupting to the read.

Hope this helps,

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 7th, 2018, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex,

Bit pressed for time. Hope you don't mind shorter notes than normally do for a feature. Here goes...

I see you wove in the therapist wolf story from that October OWC. It’s definitely interesting stuff. The whole angle with her traumatic past and trying to unlock memories. And you’ve got these two damaged but tough women tossed into a nightmare scenario. All good stuff. There’s potential here.

But I think the long flashbacks for both characters is something that needs to be reworked. For starters, it kills narrative drive. Once Evelyn is kidnapped, it becomes a matter of how does she get out. The rest of your movie is going to be how does she outwit/outmaneuver her captures to escape. If we stop for ten minutes of backstory/flashbacks we’re not moving towards that goal at all. It comes to a screeching halt. Same with Corry’s flashback.

Also, you’re losing out on an important tool by dumping so much information… Mystery. If we know exactly who these people are there’s not much intrigue. But if you withhold, if you dole out little bits of information, it grabs our attention. We start thinking there’s something more to a certain character. Or one character is misleading us. You can create tension/doubt between Evelyn and Corry while the audience is equally uncertain. You can do lots of things. But not if you give out the full history of both characters right away.  

Of course, at some point we'll need the full backstory. You just gotta be real strategic as to how to dole out those pieces along the way. For example, Evelyn seeing the painting could trigger a very short little flashback. When she’s recovering after an intense escape attempt, another little flash. If she gets knocked out, another. And so on.

Keep the story moving, dishing out little crumbs of backstory, then the reveals start to hit hard and fast when we're spiraling towards the end.


That rug really tied the room together.
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FrankM
Posted: November 7th, 2018, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there, Alex.

First, great job getting a feature done and under these parameters. There's a great premise in there, but as of this draft I'm not sure the pieces quite fit.

We have two traumatized women who've been put in a small room and prompted to remember their traumas. It becomes clear that they can't be victims of the same perpetrator, so who brought them here and why? It's clear by the end, but there's no plausible red herring explanation (with clues to its herringness) laid out ahead of time.

I did not see the twist with Corry coming, but I should have been on guard... her actions early in the story were not realistic. Unrealistic choices are, of course, a God-given right of horror characters, but the meticulous planning that went into the Gray Zone should lead to a more organic introduction.

One quick idea: after Evelyn annihilates the wolf dude, a wall slides up and this is the first time the two ladies can interact. I'd expect Evelyn to see Corry as a threat at first, so there would be some countermeasures in place to keep both prisoners from killing each other.

One other story-related question left hanging: what was the motive for the Native Americans? Corry's family could have at least fought some Heritage Site designation in court and won to get their first choice of land. (Yes, I know that land isn't exactly scarce in that area, it would indicate some level of jerkness to fight over a particular parcel.)

A lot of the word choices are a bit awkward (referring to a door as a leaf, etc.), but that could be from first draftiness or being native in another language. Fixable so long as you know to look for it. I had to look up what the hell an atelier is, but that word choice is fine.

There are also a fair number of passive sentences such as "And the man in jeans and dark shirt is who wears it." Occasional use is okay, especially when an active phrasing would get really awkward, but passive happened often enough that I noticed it.

The dialogue on page 6 didn't make any sense to me. I think I know your intent, that you want the viewer to imagine these painting might have some mystical qualities. But this particular exchange comes off as weird, even after I know the whole story and come back to it.

From there we jump into a POV shot at some indeterminate time in a psychiatrist's office. Is what we just saw a recovered memory? (I know it’s not, but a viewer doesn’t and there doesn’t seem to be a reason to mislead the viewer here) This is pretty much a symptom of how the time jumps are handled, there's no immediate signal to a viewer where and when we are.

One trick you can use to identify a character at different ages is to give them some distinguishing trait (a distinctive bit of jewelry, different-colored eyes, whatever) to make it very clear that we're looking at a younger version of a character we already met. You can be more heavyhanded and use FADE THROUGH BLACK at major transitions, but that could get old fast.

I don't get why we're in Dr. Francesca's head sometimes. If you were going to pick only one character for whom to show the thoughts, I'd think it would be the main character. (Edit: Duh me, we are in Evelyn's head sometimes.) The purpose of the dream shots seems to be motivating Dr. Francesca's actions that get revealed later, but that can probably be done just as well in flashback... behavioral clues that Evelyn might not have noticed.

I don't want to come off as negative on the story... but I think it needs some re-arranging to make sense to a viewer who can't see the sluglines. Once that's done, it will leave some very interesting open questions for the audience.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
FrankM  -  November 13th, 2018, 11:38am
Struck out an erroneous statement.
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khamanna
Posted: November 7th, 2018, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Finished this.

I took some notes, then dropped taking them. Then took them again, but at this point I don't think you'll need my notes at all.

I think the parameters and you trying to stick to the parameters hurt your story a bit. I don't think Michael McKiney needed in this story - I mean I didn't feel like you need to dedicate so many pages to him - those three pages 47-50 really took me out of the story. And the story is mainly about the girls and their struggle. Or it should be about their struggle I would think.
You build to it, but you really take some time with it. Get your beats faster - Evelyn and Corry don't know what's going on. Corry tells Evelyn, Evelyn understands Corry is telling the truth... and they start scheming how to get out.
The flashbacks don't really move the story forward for me. I wish they were. They also give the story artsy feel, I don't think you want it. Like the flashback on p 40 is really artsy. On p 45 - I don't get the relevance of these flashbacks.
In a nutshell, I want more thrill and more action.

Probably should have tell that myself when I rewrite mine.

Good luck to you with the rewrite!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: November 13th, 2018, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Is "Zone" an homage to Serling's other series?


Quoted Text
An armored door leaf slightly vibrates.


A what?


Quoted Text
An ascetically ordered place of colorful furnishing, however, all looks empty and unused as from the catalogues.


What does this even mean?


Quoted Text
The safety door strikes the eye,


What eye? Who's eye?


Quoted Text
just as the three wood blinds whose horizontal slats are rotated in an angle that allow(s) a view out but not vice versa.


"Mrs Munz" needs a period.

I made it to the first page, but it's a very poor start. I don't even understand what I'm reading. Your word choices couldn't be more confusing. I'm lost. and I'm out. Sorry.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisBodily
Code

An armored door leaf slightly vibrates.


Quoted Text
A what?


The door leaf seems to be an isssue ha. Must be the wrong vocabulary. Possibly it's the armored door panel. But nice try of intentionally misunderstanding.


Quoted from ChrisBodily
Code

An ascetically ordered place of colorful furnishing, however, 
all looks empty and unused as from the catalogues.



Quoted Text
What does this even mean?


The place's colorful furnishing is ascetically ordered and looks unused and empty, in other words, cold -- as if from a furnishing catalogue, as below



Well, the metaphor itself may not be everyone's taste but the willingness to misunderstand is extraordinary.


Quoted from ChrisBodily
Code

The safety door strikes the eye,....


What eye? Who's eye?


Your eye, the eye of the reader. I probably should have written 'our eye' but then you may have pointed that out for fourth wall writing.

It gets a bit ridiculous at this point.







Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  November 14th, 2018, 2:36pm
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LC
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Yes, I concur with Alex. Not a helpful critique, Chris. That type of picking apart review may be vaguely amusing for an anonymous OWC, but the aim here is constructive criticism.

I haven't as much time as I had hoped to offer reviews at the moment due to urgent family commitments but I've read a fair bit of all of the entries (this one in particular) and the writers have come up with some solid first drafts.

I'm impressed, Alex, with the style and vibe of this. Are there some word choices and phrases I'd change due to your NESB? Sure. But I also find quite a lot of the writing uniquely beautiful and haunting exactly because English is not your first language.

Keep at it, mate.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
"Mrs Munz" needs a period.


Actually, it doesn't - In British English, you only include the period if the abbreviation does not include the last letter of the word - I.E Mr would not have one, but Prof. would.

So I would say both are acceptable.

Sorry, I don't have a review for the script, just wanted to address the above as it is one of my pet peeves .

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

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Matthew Taylor  -  November 14th, 2018, 11:04am
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Alex, don't let Chris get you upset with his "review".  It's obviously very mean spirited and not in the spirit of such a challenge, that so few came through on.

You need only read what Chris came up with to see his words mean absolutely nothing.

I'll give this a look ASAP.
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FrankM
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Yes, I concur with Alex. Not a helpful critique, Chris. That type of picking apart review may be vaguely amusing for an anonymous OWC, but the aim here is constructive criticism


Chris’s was the most positive review I got in the May OWC. Which is to say I didn’t do very well.

There’s some value in wrapping up copyedit suggestions with a bit of sarcasm, making them considerably less sterile and easier to read. It’s just that this time there was almost nothing else (“almost” because he did bring up a good question about the title).

I’d chalk it up to a bad day and not take it personally.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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ChrisBodily
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Relax, guys. I've been coming off a mild cold that was messing with my ears. My mind wasn't the sharpest. Plus, it was late.

And I honestly tried my best to comprehend what Alex was writing. I really did. I try to be as constructive as possible. But I couldn't wrap my head around Alex's word choices. I couldn't visualize the story at all. But now that I have picture references, I'll re-read it, see how far I go, and offer better notes.

RE: abbreviations, I'm only familiar with American English customs. Thanks for the heads up.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: November 17th, 2018, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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That damn cold is gone (from what I can attest to). My nose, ears, and mind are clear as a bell. I was in no condition to read your script, but I am now. Let's see how both of us fare.

Take two.

Is "Zone" an homage to Serling's other series?

The name Evelyn Monrose reminds me of Marylin Monroe.


Quoted Text
An armored door leaf panel slightly vibrates.


I think this reads better than "leaf."


Quoted Text
An ascetically ordered place of colorful furnishing, however, all looks empty and unused as from the catalogues.


I think I understand what you mean. The picture reference is quite helpful. Thank you for clearing that up.

Normally, "we" (let alone our eyes) don't appear in a script, but it works well enough here to not be a problem. I'm less concerned about rules, so long as I understand what I'm reading. And I applaud anyone brave enough to "break" the rules. If done skillfully, it's the mark of a great artist.

You know, Marilyn was 36 when she died, and your Evelyn is 34. The similarities are interesting. But unlike Marilyn, she's a brunette.

Forget what I said about abbreviations. That only applies to American English.


Quoted Text
Mrs Munz. It's Mrs Munz. I must open the door for her.


Show, don't tell.


Quoted Text
Evelyn grabs [the doorknob], twists it.


So the apartment is directly across the hall, but one off? Gotcha.


Quoted Text
Gooooddd. You stupid.


"Good" or "God"? Your actors need to know. If "You stupid" is interrupted or trails off, you need two dashes instead of a period. Even an ellipsis will suffice.


Quoted Text
She [looks to her] right, nobody[.] [L]eft, nobody[.] [P]ads into the hallway and rushes to Mrs Munz' apartment.


Reads better. Try to avoid run-on sentences.


Quoted Text
As she raises her fist to knock, something from behind makes her – BLACK.


Not exactly sure what you mean here.

My second impression is way better than my first. It's late, so I'm gonna call it a night after two pages. Excellent job.


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FrankM
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Quoted from ChrisBodily
"Good" or "God"? Your actors need to know. If "You stupid" is interrupted or trails off, you need two dashes instead of a period. Even an ellipsis will suffice.


I'm interested in just how this "should" be written. Usually, when I have a word stretched out I'll use dashes as in "Du-u-u-u-ude". Not sure how to differentiate Good and God (in the Gray Zone's context, it's obviously the interjection "God"). "Goo-oo-ood" looks bizarre.

For endings, two dashes (emdash) indicates an interruption while three dots (ellipsis) indicates trailing off or continuing as we leave for a scene change.

You can use the dashes to indicate that some action happens in the middle of dialogue.

EVELYN
God. You stupid --


Mrs Munz's door bolt RATTLES into place.

EVELYN
-- girl...



Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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