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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Mr. Longsleeves
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  Author    Mr. Longsleeves  (currently 530 views)
Don
Posted: January 20th, 2019, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr. Longsleeves by Michael Rogers - Short, Horror - When a single mother believes her family is being hunted, she takes her daughter and elderly mother on the run. But no one can run from the evil that hides inside. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 12th, 2019, 5:25pm
revised draft
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IamGlenn
Posted: January 21st, 2019, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hey Michael,

First a few nitpicks. You didn't capitalise Homeless Man. Three determined men is an odd way way of describing men. On page ten while writing thing and so far very dialogue heavy. I am intrigued though. You say they come from the woman's room. Women's?

This one lost me at around page 15. Seemed pretty batshit crazy. A long armed demon taking over Nana? This definitely might work for some. Not my cuppa though.

Good luck,
Glenn


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Mime
Posted: January 22nd, 2019, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Glenn. I'll check those edits and get them straight.

I made the edits you pointed out but can't update the screenplay, so you will still see them on this revision.

Revision History (1 edits)
Mime  -  January 23rd, 2019, 10:47am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael

If you submit this script again (the link at the top) there is a check box that says this "This is an update to a script, logline, genre, or title already on the site" - check that box, upload the new version and this thread will be updated with it.

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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