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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Fempiror Chronicles Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fempiror Chronicles  (currently 22212 views)
Don
Posted: November 9th, 2004, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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See also www.fempiror.com

Fempiror Chronicles, The: The Initiation of David by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a boy in the eighteenth century is changed into a different race, he must learn to adapt to his new life or face the consequences of rebellion.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: Genesis of the Mutation by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Beth must investigate the creation of a Tepish Mutation while dealing with their past feelings for each other. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: The Hunt for the Razers by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When David discovers his home town has been destroyed, he risks everything to find out who did it. - pdf, format



Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x01: Lost and Found by George Willson - Series, Adventure - The pilot episode for the Fempiror teleplay series. David joins Fempiror of a city which stands against a growing Tepish concern, and for his first mission, he leads a group to locate the human sister of a new Fempiorr before she is transmutated. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x02: Loose Ends by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex is given one day to say goodbye to his former life. Childress takes David for a driving lesson to investigate a daytime UIF sighting.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x03: The Meeting by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When the Tepish hold their meeting to discuss unification of the old order, David and the Fempiror agents moves against the meeting place to try and confound it. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x04: Club Mutation by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When David and Alex are sent to investigate an anomalous blue reading, they discover the dangerous mutation of the Tepish Order.  - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x05: The Science Experiment by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Childress stumble upon a new Fempiror who they suspect could only have been changed by a human instead of the Tepish. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x06: The Fountain of Youth by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a sales pitch is found to be providing participants with Fempiror blood, David and Alex are sent into a meeting to determine the truth. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x07: The Code Victim by George Willson - Series, Adventure -  The Rastem Code comes into play when Kevin Krill is put on trial for his crimes as a Tepish. - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x08: Empegen by George Willson - Series, Adventure - When a new street drug is found to have Fempiror connections, David and Alex are dispatched to discover its origins.  51 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x09: Can't Escape the Past by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex, obsessed with seeing Isabel again, leaves the city to find her at a school dance. 41 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x10: Playing With Fire by George Willson - Series, Adventure - David and Alex go to a hospital to take care of a youth who was infected by a Mutation he and his friend had captured. 51 pages - pdf, format

Fempiror Chronicles, The: 1x11: Homecoming by George Willson - Series, Adventure - Alex and Carla discover their hometown and visit in the hopes of discovering their true parents. James frantically searches for Isabel who he believes is in trouble. 49 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Don  -  January 11th, 2007, 11:09pm
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Quoted Text
a large

statue to Winthrop Haugins, the town founder, is erected.


LOL!!!  that's the funniest opening description ever!!!
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Hypnos
Posted: November 18th, 2004, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Just read it completely.

I'll write a bigger review later on.

I have just one question. Is this original work or an adaption? Did you create the fempiror lore?

Some comments already though:
- Your format is near perfect, well written.
- The ending is perhaps too sudden. You will want to end on a cliffhanger. Bring david back home, let him talk to the others while seeing the unconcious Beth, and then fade to black. It's more powerfull that way. Now it's like you suddenly cut away.
- Perhaps some more fighting scenes, your script is a tad short, so they could be placed inside. It helps since there is lot's and lot's of dialogue.
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George Willson
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What people have said about



Initiation of David


Quoted from W
It's very addictive, I can't actually believe that this script has gone for this much time and not been read. To me this is Star Wars meets Lord of The Rings meets Empire of The East... Actually I enjoyed it more than I do Star Wars.



Quoted from bert
What a great story.  I can see why you are so proud of this, and it’s a shame this one is getting lost in the sauce around here.  And I am amazed I did not find more inconsistencies in a story of this size.  I imagine a huge, compulsively-maintained flowchart above your desk...



Quoted from dogglebe
You have an interesting story and it appears that you have thought out the mythos completely.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that you came up with so much stuff regarding the Fempirers that you haven'y used it all.



Quoted from Martin
What a fantastic story. It's epic, biblical, a true hero's journey. I was really impressed with the depth and imagination of the world you created.



Quoted from FilmMaker06
I can tell why you call this your "crown jewel" in your sig. I can't wait to read the rest.



Quoted from tomson
Really, really excellent job George! I mean it! Excellent plotting! I honestly can't find anything to pick on.



Quoted from Nixon
Brilliant. I now understand why you are the series king around here.



Quoted from Jaykur22
...great story.  Your ideas are solid and an interesting twist on an old idea.  The action moves along swiftly.  Your hero and mentor are strong characters.


Genesis of the Mutation


Quoted from bert
I have read through the second part of your little epic, and enjoyed it much more than the first...Your plotting is so meticulous that many of the comments I made as I was reading had to be scratched out later on in the story.  



Quoted from W
I could not say much more about the story that wouldn't seem like me giving you too much praise, the story is great, no doubt...I have enjoyed these two screenplays much more than almost everything else I've read.


The Hunt For The Razers


Quoted from bert
It’s the best of the three, with a higher action/page ratio...Really good job, man.  Some of the best stuff on here.


1x01: Lost and Found


Quoted from bert
So, this is good, too, of course.  They all are.  I get so tired of gushing. ... I keep wondering if that well is ever going to run dry.



Quoted from Chilli
This is a brilliant story that is pacily told, setting up both a universe and a series rich in intrigue. It is first class to read, and one of the best scripts (virtual or otherwise) I've ever read.



Quoted from Jonathan Terry
Wow!!!  That is simply all I can say.  I've only read the first episode but I am already dragged in by the story and characters...Probably the best I've read on this site.


1x03: The Meeting


Quoted from Chilli
God I love this series.


1x04: Club Mutation


Quoted from bert
Good enough that it practically stands on its own.  If you haven't read any of these, put down "Jason vs. Terminator pt. XVII" and read this one -- then see if you don't want to check out what has gone before.


1x06: The Fountain of Youth


Quoted from Jonathan Terry
Another AMAZING episode, George.  Every one just gets better and better.


General


Quoted from FilmMaker06
George has the right to brag all he wants for creating such a masterpiece.



Quoted from Chilli
Come on y'all -- this is a class show.



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George Willson  -  December 14th, 2009, 9:38am
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Thank you for your initial comments.
This is an an original work, not an adaptation. I created all of the Fempiror lore of my own little noggin including the custom "Felletterusk" language.
The final scene does have an ending presented in Flashback in Part 2 that wraps up all the potential loose ends. I hesitate to cover it here due to the potential spoilers. I could certainly bring into consideration tacking that ending onto the existing one, since it wouldn't hurt anything and might assist what you suggest.
The pagination actually comes out at over 140 pages in Word at 12 pt. courier. HTML doesn't really help that angle, nor does it help the format. I have a pdf version that may iron out those bits.

--------------

Well, it's been awhile since the last comment. I offer this comment someone gave to me. The suggestions along with the praise.

"Reads well so far in, building up a good spooky vibe with the secret lovers stumbling upon something big..

The dialogue from some of the characters feels a little too modern for 1775, though, but it's not very noticeable for the most part!

You could probably trim the script down a little, take out a few bits of dialogue here and there, maybe lose a scene or two completely - this is a good story but the pacing could be tightened up to make it even better to read ^_^

I like the noble aspect of Fempiror mythology, though, how it's seen more as a calling than a curse. That's a good way of putting a new spin on the traditional vampire story.

You could also try addinga bit of description about what some of the characters look and act like when they show up the first time - Beth, for example, is a big supporting character but doesn't get any kind of description. Little touches like that help add to the overall vision of the story.

It works out to a good conclusion, however, with some good action sequences as the team fight the Tepish inside the Dark West caverns, an dthen the nice twist of David and Beth's final meeting and the 'help' Vladimir gives Abraham..

Good start. Just needs a little bit of fine tuning to really make it sparkle like it oughta ^_^ "



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George Willson  -  May 5th, 2006, 10:28am
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Here's a more complete synopsis in case you're not sure about reading it No real Spoilers here, but there is a lot of the story):

When David stays out too late one evening in 1775, he is attacked by a Fempiror of the Tepish Order who changes him into a Fempiror as well. This Tepish was waylaid by an outcast of the Order of Rastem called Zechariah, who takes David in to care for him. Zechariah intends to take David to the Fempiror capital city to report a rising of the old Order of Tepish, who presents a real threat to humanity. The Order of Rastem, by contrast, has sworn to defend humanity against the Tepish.

Once he reaches the city to speak to the Fempiror Council, they refute his Tepish claims, and wish to arrest him for making a disturbance. He takes David and escapes to a nearby town where he and Tiberius, who is also of the Order of Rastem, decide to investigate the coming of a strangely clad warrior from a place called the Urufdiam Plateau. They think he might be of the Order of Elewo, who have not been seen in centuries.

Upon reaching Urufdiam, David is kidnapped by local Tepish and held with the intention of overrunning the other Rastem when they come to rescue him. The Elewo intervene during the rescue and hideout within Urufdiam where the Tepish cannot find them. The Rastem convince the Elewo leader to rise against the Tepish, and when they all do, they defeat the encroachers.

However, during the battle, David sneaks away and heads back home to his girl, Beth. When Zechariah learns of this, he quickly follows. He catches David and Beth together, and scolds David severely, since he inadvertently changed Beth into a Fempiror. Zechariah sends David away as a traitor reveals himself and battles Zechariah to the death.



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George Willson  -  December 7th, 2006, 9:27am
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Will pull this up to read it soon, but I have a problem right off the bat.  These posts can sometimes come off sounding snotty -- I assure you that is not my intent.

I hate starting off with a "big knife", but it bugs me that I can not figure out how to pronounce the title.  Is it "fem-PEE-ror", or "fem-PIE-ror", or something else?  And which syllable is stressed?

Creating a new mythos from scratch is daunting enough -- the pronounciation should be intuitive to a first-time reader.


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One more thing.  Are you aware that the link for Part II does not pull up the story?  It kicks you right back to Unproduced page.  At least, it does for me.


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George Willson
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To answer both questions, Fempiror is pronounced Fem-PEER-or. If you want to nail the pronunciation on the language throughout the script, you can go over the Felletterusk Dictionary, which I wrote for the Fempiror project as a whole and always keep on hand while writing the language to make sure I maintain continuity throughout the language. There's actually a full series bible too, but I keep that to myself...too many spoilers.

I suppose instead of a note following the title page about the language, I could put a more complete overview, but still stay under a page. Just cover basic pronunciation since the language is subtitled throughout. Good suggestion. Never thought of that.

As for the link, the one in the message links correctly to my web site where you can link to the pdf file that is the script. Don said he preferred to link it that way since it saves him space on his own server. I checked the unproduced board and found it does go right back to the Simply Scripts home page. I'll address it.

If you want to go directly to Part 2 and bypass my website, the script is here.



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Spoilers Ahead, nothing too big but spoilers nonetheless so don't read on if you don't want any spoilers.















So just a quick note for you George, I wrote this review while I read it so if a point comes up again you know why. This way it helps me help you by finding small spelling errors that spell-check cannot find. I hope you're not offended by what I say and good luck with this.

The opening fight sequence if you call it that between Rufus and Ben is boring, to open a script you should do something entertaining especially if that's what you want. Add some actual fighting or make Rufus less inhuman. Abraham, when you describe him as strong you should cut that from his description because you can't see strong unless you mean muscular in which case you could say that. If you want strong, show him lifting heavy things to show he's strong.

Your Mrs. Taylor description is the same as I said before because you don't describe her, you tell us about her which if you can't show is not needed. I'm not saying it's bad but it's not right for screenplays.

Beth says "Good, because I think feel like we need to talk" Is that right or is there one to many words there. Just thought I'd bring that up because the scripts really good so far and well there isn't much else to say.  
To say this early on. (This scene above is when they first go inside the mill so you know.)

Zechariah who shows up after David kicks off Rufus that scene here on page 24 is to long, 4 lines of action than you must break or it's too long. You should cut that in half, you have about 8 lines straight and to tell you the truth now I understand why that rule is in place for screenplays because when more than 4 lines and bunched together the scene becomes boring and hard to read.

I'm enjoying the unfolding story though I feel that it is like Lord of The Rings in the general story, he has to go to a council. But not a lot, just a tiny bit. Than there is your language I get it's a big part of the Chronicles but you should really write that the second line in English is a subtitle because the way it is kind of looks a bit odd. Interesting language though, reads smoothly because it looks like gibberish to the eye..

Again when the 4 Fempirors fight the one guy on the cart the scenes surpass 4 lines of action.

Right now I'm 70 pages in, the script is really good but I do not feel the story progresses like it should. I know it's a 3 parter but you still have to have a middle and it feels like this whole script is the first act which in the grand scheme may work for you but not for the screenplays sake.

Shouldn't the council meeting be in Fellettrusk?

On page 73 when Jatarua says "And what, pray tell, was that?" I think you should take out the pray tell and just have him saying And what, was that? Because the pray tell sounds stupid in any script

Zechariah and David are the same size aren't they? You make it sound like Zechariah is huge but I don't remember you even saying that he's a huge man... You may have so I may be wrong about that. I also noticed a couple spelling mistakes that spell-check wont find you'll have to read it. On page 77 - 78 there is a scene in the woods where there flying on the levi-carts it says while avoiding HE onslaught instead of the just The so I can save you the look.

On page 91 or 92 -  Zechariah looks over the David and smiles.

When you introduce Ulrich you kind of give his back story in his description which is wrong, can't show it don't write it. If you really want it make somebody like Paul say that about him not you telling us the story in there descriptions.

Yori is a girl? I don't think you said that in her description, I would have had no clue but when the fight to save David ensues you use she. She is a man if I'm going by dialogue, no striking characteristics in her dialogue that say Yori is a girl.

On page 104 where they come to a long hallway you write "which no apparent door or openings anywhere" It should be with, I believe unless you meant something else.

On page 116 at the beginning of Ulrich's speech he says "It is time to evict them and take back what it is ours." That makes no sense when reading it, it should not be in there.

And I'm done, it was very good and easy to read the whole way through, so don't get me wrong any time and think that I hated it. This is probably one of the better screenplays on simplyscripts, good job.

The story progressed nicely, it ended nicely but I think you set Abraham as a villain earlier than the cave which kind of hurts him a little. I still think like I said earlier that this script is a first act of the 3 part script which isn't a good thing but I got over it because of the good and entertaining story.

(PS... I will read part two in a couple weeks because I've come down with the flu or something like it and I'm having trouble sitting here.)


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George Willson
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Thank you very, very much for your review. I take all comments seriously and in stride. You gave me some things to think about and take care of. I will focus on what you've pointed out to see if there is a way to do it better.

As for Yori, her description is on page 89 and reads: YORI appears to be around 27. Her blonde hair is tied up in a tight bun and her hazel eyes are bright with life and enthusiasm. Her garb resembles the Rastem tradition, but seems to have been
modified to her feminine lines. She always seems to walk with a smile.

The council meeting in Felletterusk? That would be extremely fun to do. My fear with doing so is that a subtitled scene would go on for several pages, and David would understand none of it. My thought in writing it like I did is that the meeting proceeds in a traditional way, and then proceeds in the common tongue of the region, since Felletterusk is a dead language.

Alternatively, if it would make more sense, the introduction could be done in Felletterusk, and then Zechariah speaks in English, is reprimanded for doing so since Felletterusk is the official language of the council meetings, and he explains why (David to understand) and they proceed in English with that in mind.

Thanks for the points on misspelling, and dialogue. I'll fix them. I'll also break up the action paragraphs that I missed. I'm usually a real stickler on those things.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting. I prefer the brutal comments to come out when rewriting is easy, than after you try pitching it and they reject because of these same things. I look forward to what you have to say on Part 2 when you get to it.

Oh, yes, and this is more than 3 parts. Part 1 is the first act that explains pretty much everything, but there are 4 screenplays, a 4 or 5 season series, and then a concluding screenplay. It's a big idea, but due to the time frame between parts, mythology allows for a lot of freedom to expand this little universe pretty widely.


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I looked over the comments in conjunction with the script and have completed and uploaded a minor rewrite based on Wesley's comments. Some things, such as how the events flow in the story, would be difficult to alter much due to the larger picture.

VERY MINOR SPOILER

As for the construction, it is put together in a very loose three act format, if you consider that David is the main character and his goal is to go home. Act One ends at page 25 with his change. David is literally dragged through Act Two, but he is able to take control and make a decision when he leaves to return home, instituting Act Three at page 118. The climax is his consummation with Beth and subsequent confrontation with Abraham to try and justify his actions.

The rewrite to fix some of my long paragraphs by dividing them up added another page taking me to 143 pages total. I am pondering how to spice up the first scene still.


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The best things you have going for you is that it's good and reads easily, it usually takes me a week to get through screenplays of this size because they get boring but after setting page limits so I could come back I kept missing them and reading on.

It's very addictive, I can't actually believe that this script has gone for this much time and not been read. To me this is Star Wars meets Lord of The Rings meets Empire of The East... Actually I enjoyed it more than I do Star Wars.




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I didnt want Wes post to influence my thoughts on this, so I have not read it yet.  Pardon any repeats.

What a great story.  I can see why you are so proud of this, and its a shame this one is getting lost in the sauce around here.  And I am amazed I did not find more inconsistencies in a story of this size.  I imagine a huge, compulsively-maintained flowchart above your desk, where any changes in storyline would cause the whole structure to collapse around you, so I tried to keep that in mind.  Comments and spoilers follow:


Lets get the biggest problem out of the way right up front.  You have delivered a great story, but it only rewards a patient, thoughtful read, as one might give to literature.  Screenplays need to buzz, with pages that flip quickly.  Do not get me wrong here.  I have exactly the same problem.  We both need to tighten up.  People have short attention spans, and that may be why the 80 page slasher stories get the most frequent reads.  Just something to think about.

The rest of the stuff:  
Early in the story:  I think David should express his something bigger desires to Beth, not Abraham.  It gives you a chance to deepen the connection between these two lovers, which has kind of a minimalist background right now.  You can still establish Abraham in the discussion about Ben.
[3] So, what are those mysterious CRACKS, exactly?  I mean, Rufus isnt stomping around, is he?  If you set it up, you need to pay it off.
The nilrof is great.  I would love to see what some clever FX guys do with that.
[16] Beth says I think feel like
[18], then [24].  The lamp is not lit by fire.  What, then?  Plasma?  Does it have a weird color, or change colors?  It could be a nice detail, but you need to make it your own.  Maybe have different characters have different colors, like red for Rufus, but soft blue for Zech.
[54] Skip the discussion about the cure, unless this is going to come back in a big way later on.  I mean, he forgot what it was???  Cmon  
[67] Zech says But is you dont
[70] Tiberius talks about ...removing all the water from the blood  This tossed-off detail is not critical to the story, so it really should go.  It is SO impossible that it weakens the credibility of the remainder of the Fempiror lore.
[77] One lops off heads not lobs
Late in the story:  You have a very long passage (like, 3 pages) where they are making their way through the caverns to meet Ulrich.  When they finally arrive, all he says is, Well talk later.  Huh?  Something significant needs to happen during this meeting to justify the buildup.
About the dialogue:  Some of the dialogue is too anachronistic, but frankly, I am surprised there is not more.  You did a pretty good job, for the most part.  Some of the worst offenders are [68] Vlad, I have to level with you and multiple uses of OK scattered throughout.  I suggest you give a read-through looking specifically for these kinds of things -- reading only the dialogue -- concentrating entirely on their words without being distracted by the story surrounding them.    

Really great stuff, George.  I am looking forward to revisiting these characters as the story progresses during the second part.


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I know dialogue is my weakest skill, so I'll definitely look over that.

CRACK! Some onamatopoeia (sp?) to indicate a twig snapping. I'll reword it.

The lamp light is similar to the lighting in Zechariah's house and in Erim. I described it as lit without fire, but thanks for noting that I need to do a little better job of explaining it in the script. I get too close sometimes and forget to explain these things well enough.

Some of the things you point are in the Fempiror lore, and some of them emerge later (such as the whole cure business). A cure would be a logical question for someone just changed, and Zechariah relates his understanding of that story. It needs to remain for future purposes, but rather than forgot, I'll change it to the truer version of "unable to recreate it" which is a lot closer to the truth. Voivode didn't forget insomuch as he just wasn't able to make it work again. There's a reason, but the day that is revealed is some time off.

The removing water from blood thing is actually "borrowed" from a movie called The Andromeda Strain, and it works well enough for the lore. I agree it doesn't come up in this story, however, except in explaining why people believe "vampires" suck blood. This not being a major point (right now), I can take it out.

As for Ulrich's "talk to you later," there's a reason why he does that, but perhaps the Rastem could protest a little more. Perhaps Nikolai could protest causing a little ruckus.

Short attention span? Can't help you there.

Flowchart? This one was laid out in my head, but for anything I write of the Fempiror nowadays, I use a 65-page Series Bible that grows as I move through the stories.



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George Willson  -  May 14th, 2005, 7:28pm
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