20-20 Hindsight by Paul de Vrijer & Jasper Kelderman - Thriller - The power of hindsight. Change your actions, change the outcome, but can you really change your destiny? Follow John as he figures out... - doc format.

I just finished reading this and found some problems with it....

Starting with the formatting, a common mistake among writers is to describe things that can't be shown.  On page one, you wrote that John 'snaps into reality.'  How is this shown?  You also say that he is 'surprised by sound.'  How is he surprised?  Does he jump?  Does he scream?  You have to tell us this.  On page two, you narrate that John 'wants to peek through the hole, but he's afraid to.'  

When writing a scene, you should write what the camera sees, not what a character feels.

Regarding the story...to be blunt, I don't get it.  You're trying to do a Groundhog Day story, but it's not going anywhere.  How do we know at the end of the story that John isn't going to wake up again to the pounding on the door?

Think this story out before you rewrite it.  Come up with some reason (or atleast hint at some reason) for this deja-vu to happen.


Phil

Thanks greatly for your comments.

As I re-read it, I realised my errors, and the missing visual clues.

As for the story, it's just a short, I'm thinking of doing a full-length to explain everything.  

The re-write should take some time. Still comments appreciated.

I read it. I thought it was a video game, or at least some virtual reality thing, it was surprising yet unsatisfying, I mean he obviously got to the "end" and won, a bag of money. In the process he killed 3 guys, after so many "restarts" he finally broke the main scripted course. But it didn't reach an end for me you know, it doesn't explain a thing, sure it's original, but it's also strange :p

(On a side note: the error in most games, are the prescripted events that happen, each time the same, this occurs in the script too, so I thought it was a vid game.)

Thanks for your comments Kenny. I'm now working on a full length version, with ALOT of subplots.

It's more of a Heist movie now. It's in some ways explained how he can do it, but it's still quite vague.

Moreso than like The sixth sense, it does explain abit but not fully.

I hope that the final product will be suprising, original, strange AND satisfying. I think it has that potential

Has to be said that this script was for a short we could film ourselves, it cuts away simply because we had to wrap it up.

Hope you guys read the full length when I post it up. Thanks again.

I hope before you did the rewrite you atleast learned some rules of grammar. Like how to spell; A (space) then LOT, not ALOT. Learn your grammar first and then come back.

Just surfing the web and came across this site and your script.

The first post in this thread had some useful suggestions that made sense to me.  The others were mostly just people complaining.

I just wanted you to know that I liked your script.  I didn't need the Deja Vu explained.  It's just a short.  And it was an entertaining short at that.

Groundhog Day was a good movie and the Djea Vu was never explained there either.