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  Author    Homecoming  (currently 6241 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2004, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Homecoming by Troy Escamilla (troyesc) - Horror - As a group of young friends gear up to celebrate their school's Homecoming activities, an unknown killer lurks.  As the dance nears, a group of friends plan a party for to celebrate the crowing of the queen, resulting in bloody showdown between the masked killer and the friends. This years Homecoming will be a bloody good time!  98 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 24th, 2011, 10:53am
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TroyinIA
Posted: December 6th, 2004, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hello!

Any comments on this script would be GREATLY appreciated!  It was one of my first attempts at writing a full-length screenplay and my first attempt at the horror genre.  I hope you got SOME entertainment reading it!

Thanks much!

-Troy
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adam_justin
Posted: December 9th, 2004, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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I read part of the script yesterday, and couldn't get into it (I wasn't in the best of moods, so it was really my own fault) I eventually read the entire thing, and i'm glad i did. Your dialogue is standard for a Horror Script, somewhat above average. Dialogue is a hard thing to get right, trust me, i know, i have the same problem and mine usually is never as good as i want it to be.

I liked the flow of this script, it flowed easily and smoothly. I could visualize everything easily, especially the opening. The entire script was easy to see within my head, and it didn't take very long until i actually got into it, caring for some of the characters and whatnot.

The only problem i had with the script is the ending...

MAJOR SPOILERS







The whole "Twin" thing has been done before, and it's rather Soap Opera-ish and cheesy. Although it does fit with the sroryline and works well with the script, it just feels as though i've seen it all before. i must say i wasn't completely disappointed with it, as it did fit well and i have to give it credit for that. I also liked the last "Shot" i guess you could say, of the script. With the "Evil" twin smiling... blatantly telling us that the wrong person was killed. I did like that.

Overall, i liked the script. It was a great first script for someone who just entered the genre, continue with the genre as you seem to have some great ideas. Can't wait to read more of your work.

ALSO... it's funny. I wrote a script called THE HOMECOMING back when i first entered High School in 2002, it was the same premise basically but different ending, horrible writing, and the targets were those involved with King/Queen, Prince/Princess and Knight/Maiden... stuff like that. I never "Officially" finished it, which i suppose is a good thing.


I Know I'm Not The One You Want Him To be With... But I'm The One He Chose.
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Ian
Posted: December 16th, 2004, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Let me just say, I enjoyed this script quite a lot so don’t feel daunted by my huge review lol. I was just enthusiastic enough to go into a lot of detail about how you could make improvements, as well as telling you what I liked about it. Ok, here it is:

Firstly I thought I'd point out that there are there are spelling errors/words missing from sentences that are dotted around but I’ll mention important ones.
- Write (CONT'D) after a person’s name when they have dialogue more than once in succession. You only did it occasionally.
- Lakesha's name is sometimes spelled incorrectly.
- When Joe says "You mean fu*k your ass off", it should be f*ckED" and with "I almost had to go in without you", cut "in" out. It fits better with Lindsay’s next line.
- Twice (pages 30 and 54), people call Justin Ryan which is confusing.
- It is unnatural when characters ALWAYS say "you are" instead of "you're" (for example). Often "I = "I'm", "I will" = "I'll", "we are" = "we're" and so on.

Now I'll tell you what I thought was good about the script and what improvements could be made.

The Good –
- Kabrina is a heroine we can route for. Lakesha is also quite well established, and I liked Scott and Stacey who were comic relief as the joker/ditzy slut.
- The opening is attention grabbing without being some Scream-style "girl gets stabbed by an unknown killer" scene that is often used to start these types of films.
- The dialogue between Kabrina and Andrew was good. Nice exchanges of words.
- The scene with Lindsay at her grandparent’s house was a nice tension builder. I think the audience expect her to bite it then and there but she does the smart thing and runs away. (I had a problem with this scene though, I'll get to that later).
- The Haunted House scene was cool but cut the part where the girl kicks Lindsay in the face, it was unrealistic.
- It was nice how you showed people reacting differently to Lindsay’s death, with some being sincere, some being angry and others plain not giving a sh*t. It was realistic and slightly character building as well.
- The death threat slipped in with Mrs. Olson's cue cards was a nice touch and well placed in a part of the script where nothing horror-ish had happened in a while.
- SPOILERS - Megan’s death scene was cool and creepy.
- Lakesha’s chase scene was good, although considering it’s the climax, it could possibly be a bit longer – END OF SPOILERS.
- Dialogue overall is pretty decent. Sometimes it's a bit cheesy and typical, but for the most part it's good. However, I didn't like a couple of really BAD moments like when Lindsay said "Okey dokey" and Nicole said "Boy oh boy". I mean, what self respecting teenager says those things? Lol.

Improvements that could be made -
- In the opening, a 7 year old is home alone which is unrealistic. Include a babysitter who leaves when Rebecca comes home.
- Here's the problem I have with Lindsay at her grandparents house: She didn't put the key BACK under the rock, so it's not like the killer could've retrieved it and entered the house, so the crash in the basement can't be the killer which makes it less scary.
- The killer's outfit - if I saw this on screen I would pi*s myself laughing. In theory it fits the plot, but it would look stupid and not be at all threatening.
- SPOILER – Why is Lt. Jenson is killed? What’s the motive? END OF SPOILERS.
- Joe is expecting to go to the dance with Nicole. Why? Would he REALLY have made this arrangement when he's so upset about Lindsay's murder?
- Lakesha is lured back into the bookstore when the killer could've killed her before she left. Change this scene. Also, the killer really DOES get locked in at the end!
- Why did Mrs. Olson harshly say other kids from Rebecca's year deserved to die?
- SPOLIERS – After Mrs. Gordon's death, show the killer spot Scott and Stacey leaving so it’s not random when the killer later appears in the car park to kill them.
- Some of the deaths are good but they could be more original/varied. Sure the killer uses many implements, but all the deaths just involve people being stabbed with them. The double impalement has been done too many times. Stacey should escape just before the killer tried to impale her. She could be chased through the school (maybe discover Mrs. Gordon’s body) as she tries to make it to the main hall. At the same time the girls would be preparing to go on stage. Stacey could run through a door that leads backstage. Just as she reaches the curtain, the killer gets her as the audience applaud the candidates (no one hears her screams). Then Mrs. Olson is like "Hmm, we appear to be one missing". Lol sorry to go but I pictured this and thought it would be really cool! The rest of the scene would then play out like it is in your script.
- Why did the killer go after Joe? Sure, kill the guy if he gets in the way, but otherwise why bother? - END OF SPOILERS
- Most characters are bland and there were so many it got confusing. You should keep the dates/escorts the same, rather than have say Andrew escorting Lakesha but going to the dance with Megan. Also, Nicole said she was going to the dance with Andrew (was Megan was supposed to say that?). Megan has like 10 lines in the whole script so you should make her and Nicole one character as neither are important SPOLIER – but use Megan’s death to kill the character because it was cool – END OF SPOILER. Ryan is also expendable. You could merge him and Joe into one character? That’s less people to focus on so everyone gets more lines and becomes more established.
- It goes a little downhill at the climax. Everything feels rushed and I didn't like how you resorted to everyone running off on their own to get killed.
- SPOILERS - How does the killer hang Andrew’s body on the door without anyone noticing? Have Kabrina find him in the barn instead.
- Lakesha finds Scott and Stacey in HER car. I think you meant Scott’s car (where they were killed). Have her run to her car, search her pockets for her keys, discover she doesn't have them, then run to Scott's car and find the bodies. She could check the ignition for the keys for his car but they're not there so she hides in the backseat. This would make it all so much more logical – END OF SPOILERS.

MAJOR SPOILERS! BEWARE!!

The ending was tacky but it fits the campy 80s style slasher you have so the ending isn’ out of place. However, it feels tacked on because so much information comes out of nowhere. Kabrina has a previously mute twin sister who was institutionalised. How convenient. Make hints to this stuff throughout so all the groundwork is done before the reveal. Oh, and Kabrina and Sabrina? That’s stupid. Don’t give them rhyming names. I also don’t like how the killer is someone we’ve never seen before. How about adding a scene where Kabrina’s behaviour seems odd to her friends and then later, when someone mentions it to her, she hasn’t got a clue what they’re talking about (because the previous time it had been her twin trying to see if she could pass herself off as Kabrina like she plans to!). The audience wouldn’t feel so cheated when the killer is revealed.
Play up the Homecoming Queen thing more. Sabrina says Kabrina couldn’t resist playing with the kerosene lamps, but she was going for the tiara! Mention that. Have her be all “and you just couldn’t resist touching it could you, you wanted to be a homecoming queen yourself” (only with better dialogue lol), so Sabrina makes sure Kabrina gets her wish before taking it herself. One problem I have is that your synopsis said the killer was targeting the Homecoming Queen candidates, when all she really does is target Lindsay and Lakesha and make Kabrina the Queen. The other three girls are basically just ignored and then killed off really quickly later on. Maybe those three get their own little moments where they are stalked or sent a note or something. This would be easier if you merged Nicole and Megan. This is why no male characters should be targeted. They should only be killed if they happen to be in the way (like Scott in the car and the guys at the farm house).

END OF SPOILERS

Sorry that was REALLY long but I hope it was helpful and constructive. Seriously, take it as a compliment. I wouldn’t have made so much effort if I hadn’t liked the script! All in all I enjoyed your script and I’m impressed that this is one of your first feature lengths and your first horror. It doesn’t break any new ground but that doesn’t bother me, mine don’t really either (I write the same kind of stuff lol). I always say that an overly used formula often only feels overly used because it’s been used BADLY so often. Use the slasher formula well and concentrate on good structure, dialogue, action, deaths and hopefully the odd unseen twist, and you can produce a good script even if it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Some parts of yours were actually scarily similar to one I’m writing that I will be posting quite soon! We must think a like lol.
The format is good, everything flows nicely, the structure and pacing is great (there’s never an opportunity to get bored), and you really start to build some suspense. I think you lose it with a rushed climax that is perhaps too short and a twist ending that seems tacked on. Sort these out (and the other minor problems mentioned) and you’ll have a great, fun little slasher script on your hands! Well done.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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TroyinIA
Posted: December 16th, 2004, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much Ian & Adam for taking time to offer suggestions!  I REALLY appreciate it and definitely like some of your suggestions!!

-Troy
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Shawnkjr
Posted: December 21st, 2004, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey! This was pretty good for a slasher. It was easy to get into and i Liked Lakesha. Her dialogue was funny. I liked the ending too but it reminded me so much of the one in Happy Birthday to Me. It was cool. Keep Writing!


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Shawnkjr  -  December 21st, 2004, 1:48am
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The_Corn
Posted: March 10th, 2005, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey, nice script you have here. Reminds me alot of those slashers from the eighties (the better ones) There were a couple issues I had with is and a couple other things but it was alot better then other scripts on the site. Keep Writting.
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SEAN_BATEMAN
Posted: October 1st, 2005, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah Ian said it right, I really enjoyed this script and would enjoy reading another one of your screens with those suggestions applied.  Other than that good flic, keep up the good work.


"A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future; everything is preordained.  Manifest, destiny.  You can stop time from happening no more than you can will the oceans to overwhelm the world or to cause the moon to drop from her outer sphere."
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TroyinTX
Posted: October 9th, 2013, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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It's definitely been a few years, but I recently revised HOMECOMING and would love for some feedback.
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dellmoeg
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Very effective script; kinda reminded me a little of All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. I didn't see the ending coming either. But it kind of came out of nowhere. The dialogue was cool as hell, too. I enjoyed hearing them talk in my head. I think it's a strong script and look forward to more from you.
-L.G.
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TroyinTX
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey dellmoeg,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read Homecoming and for your positive comments!  It is much appreciated!
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dellmoeg
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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No prob, my friend! Keep writing!!! And feel free to check out some of my scripts on here.
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Lon
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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So is this the latest draft?  I'm a sucker for a good teen slasher script and am willing to take a look, but not if the link's just going to take me to the same draft from '04.
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TroyinTX
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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It is the latest draft, granted it still is about a year since I made the revisions.

Thanks.
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Lon
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Right-o.  I'll give it a look.
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