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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Rules of the Game Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rules of the Game  (currently 2158 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2005, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rules of the Game by Matthew Ruby - Thriller - Brian Anderson has everything. He's got money, looks, popularity, and the girls. He lives with his stepfather after his mother had decided she wanted to go from riches to rags when she left this man for another. Brian didn't want to go. Then one day Mitch Johnson, Brian's stepfather, is killed in a car accient on a rainy night. Brian could careless about what happened he just knew that he saw money coming his way. He finds out he was inheriting only $10,000. He is furious. Then another accident happens to a kid named Grant Gabel, he loses his father in a boating accident, then was said to be purely coinsidental. Grant and Brian are rivals. It turns out that Grant's father was worth 14.2 million dollars and all of that money was to go to him. Brian meets up with Lily Bates and the two of them plan the biggest heist of their lives, but they say everything is going to be okay because life is just one big game and they're just...playing by the rules. - doc, format


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mwr311
Posted: January 24th, 2005, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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This is my favorite script that I have ever wrote and hopefully you guys like it.
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ghostwriter433
Posted: January 25th, 2005, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry guy, but I couldn't even finish page one.  Too much exposition in the dialog.  It seems almost every writer at this site does that.  Show don't tell.

You also had too many errors.

For an example.  At first I thought, Margo was a male.  You didn't even give a description.  33, female, pretty...etc.  

And this other guy, why in the hell would he say, "Are you sure 'such and such' isn't here?"  Huh?  If we wasn't sure, why would he be there?

If he's stupid, mentally challenged, then I would understand.  But come on.

I don't want to dog you, you DO understand the right format, and the look of a screenplay.  But screenplay softwares do not help in writing your script.  Keep on writing and never stop.  And get feedback before you post your script.  Good luck.
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mwr311
Posted: January 25th, 2005, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Margo is definitly a chick's name. lol
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mwr311
Posted: January 25th, 2005, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Right in the beginning it reads:

FADE IN

INT. JOHNSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

MARGO HENDERSON sits on the edge of the couch with a glass of wine in her hand.

That tells you right there that she is a woman.
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ghostwriter433
Posted: January 29th, 2005, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I understand that know after reading it a second time.  But script readers and producers don't have time to go back and re-read if we're confused about something.  Plus, never in my life have I ever met a chick named Margo.  And I'm from California.  Make it easier for readers who never heard that name before.

When I read a script.  I'm skimming.  That's what most script readers do.  And when I say 'script readers' I mean the people who work for Hollywood, not most of the readers on this site.

For an example, when we skim...we read, MARGO HENDERSON sits ...couch... with glass...hand.

Wouldn't it be better if you said, MARGO HENDERSON, female, 33, sits... couch...etc?

It paints a picture in my head.  Plus, it helps us when we skim.  When we like the script, then we re-read it.  Get it?  

I'm not being nicky picky for just one line of describ, there are other mistakes I don't have time to go over.

But, hey that's my two cents.  But never stop writing.  And good luck on your success.
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mwr311
Posted: January 31st, 2005, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks.
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NW3
Posted: February 7th, 2005, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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I saw today is your birthday so I'll give you a present, which is a review of your script. Generous, huh? Well, it's actually pretty hard on me because RULES OF THE GAME needs work and I have to say I wouldn't read the whole thing for pleasure. I'll tell you why, and make a few suggestions which may help you improve it.

[*CONTAINS SPOILERS*]

See the comment above about exposition, and accept the problem when the opening lines include:


              TIMOTHY
    Are you sure Mitch isn't here.
    I work with him and I would
    hate to lose such a good man.


That's the situation and you want people to know it, but this isn't the way. She ought to know they work together. He can just say, "What about Mitch?" and Margo can kiss him and whisper "Forget about Mitch, he won't be home for hours." We'll get that she is being unfaithful, which is all that matters for the moment. Leave the 'working together' bit for later. (In fact Timothy departs the script shortly after.)

BRIAN is introduced without letting us know who he is, and until he says, "She's down there with him right now", it isn't clear he's in the same house as Margo. The fact that he is sets an immediate problem. Why is Margo carrying on with Timothy in the probability that Brian will see or hear something? Is this the first time ever he cut class?

Now comes more exposition as Brian relates over the phone to Lily (also not introduced) the situation with his step-dad. This is a highly emotive subject for a teen and could use a carefully handled 'opening up' scene, Brian alone with Lily someplace significant to them both. I wonder if it's natural to refer to his 'step-dad' and for Mitch to call Brian his 'stepson'? Are they really so stiff? The situation isn't so unusual these days.

Brian walking in on the couple and pulling off the blankets is not convincing. Timothy would leap up immediately and threaten him for sure. I would guess any woman's reaction to her future step-son's crude suggestion of oral favors would be "You're disgusting". Only with that truer reaction would it make sense that he decided to show Mitch the pictures. A far better scenario is for him to rig up a secret camera in the bedroom and forget any kind of confrontation like this.

The 'mixed up' slides routine is unlikely and just a bit ridiculous, where instead you are obviously going for maximum embarrassment at the moment of the devastating revelation. How were the pictures loaded into the projector? If you are thinking of one of those carousel things, look at anybody when they load one - each picture held up to check its orientation and so on. Brian's just happen to go in all ready to be flashed up. I don't know why Susan found herself unable to switch it off either, but anyway it doesn't go. How about if Brian offered to arrange a multimedia presentation for Mitch using PowerPoint or some computer program on an overhead projector, and deliberately switched the video on the disc he hands over? You know how it is with kids and computers... He has made sure the presentation can't be aborted so that the whole lurid show runs on as the shocked guests are hustled to their feet and shepherded to the door, the partners tripping over themselves to cover the screen and pull up the blinds. Poor Susan frantically stabs the keyboard, apologizing the while but the movie keeps on, getting noisier and steamier until someone has the bright idea of pulling the plug. The hubbub dies down with the consequence of lost business in the shocked murmurings of the strait-laced clients now stalking out the door. Mitch is left with his head in his hands and everybody clears the room, not sure what to say.

I'm not about to take over your characters or script, just giving another angle on how your story might better be shown. I'm frustrated at how you seem not to grasp the basics of a screenplay. The format looks fine but nearly everything about the content is wrong and I'm thinking of your effort being wasted. Work a little more and change what you can.

As things stand, Brian is a thoroughly unpleasant fellow. If you can paint him as a conflicted young man instead of an arrogant creep, then without turning him into an insipid hero he can at least gain some understanding if not actual sympathy. With Margo gone until the end of picture we might be wondering whose story is being told here, and I'm not keen to spend much time with this fellow.

Think about the character relationships. You have Lily as Brian's 'friend' at the opening phone conversation. She mentioned then that she had to "feed Charlie" at which I assumed she meant her baby. Now Brian visits her trailer and although she DOES have a baby, it goes unnamed while she talks about a different Charlie. I had to guess before I found out much later there are two. Now she says Brian is "such a great son". Is that sarcasm, or is this his mother? You know who she is, but since there is not the least description of her, I'm wondering if Lily is fifteen or fifty to find out. This is all wrong for your reader. You know the story but they won't have a clue.

I'm afraid you have to go back to basics on this one. Start with the plot. Write down all incidents and see how they relate to one another. Which are important, and which follow logically. Reorder the scenes to tell the story most effectively and discard all unnecessary scenes. Write dialogue to tell the story, no chat.

At the moment you have scenes following each other with no logic or thought. Write in one sentence the purpose of each. For example, what is the confrontation between Brian and Grant leading to, and can you first show all their hostility toward each other in a single scene instead of the ongoing war of words in the three school locations you suggest? When Brian cuts up the other motorist for the parking spot, that can be Grant in his 'put-put' and we symbolically have all the information we need. Is it necessary for a separate scene for Brian to ask Christy to come round that night, when she could just have turned up and said, "Thanks for asking me"? You could perhaps justify the earlier scene by having Brian ask Christy out, but all the while making eyes at her best friend. That at least reveals something in his character which will influence the plot.

Since Brian is your main character, I'd open the movie on him, upstairs on the phone at home. No need to let us know who he is on the phone to, just give his side of the conversation, apparently idle chat. Now there is some noise from another room and we hear the first sounds of lovemaking; laughter and thuds as clothes are discarded and then grunts, moans and quickening gasps. All the while Brian shows no emotion but keeps up the phone conversation, absently playing with his camera. We'd catch on to the situation pretty quickly if he said, "No, she doesn't know I'm home. Speak to you later, mom" and puts the phone down. Still with no emotion he goes down the hall and slowly swings the bedroom door wide open... -FLASH!- he gives his stepmom-to-be and her unnamed lover the shock of their lives. Quick, calm and dispassionate and no demand for a blow job.

A key incident is Mitch's crash. At first it appears that he is in a daze, sat in his car as the lights change. This is good - his life has come apart and now he can't even concentrate or care about what he is doing. But no, it's just that his windshield is rained over. Now he seems like a fool, cursing and squinting at the road ahead. Come off it, we've all driven in driving rain and nobody rolls down a window to check which side of the road they are on! This is a highly dramatic event but it's dealt with in one dispassionate paragraph, ending: "crashes to the ground and dies". Oh.

Well, I've rambled on for 18 pages - front and back - and now I can't paste the message because it's too long. Take a deep breath and I'll see you in Part II.
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NW3
Posted: February 7th, 2005, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to have to keep telling you what not to do because there isn't much I can see that is right. It's tough to be told, but I'm trying to help.

[*CONTAINS SPOILERS*]

Consider this:


 BRIAN and CHRISTY are lying on the couch and they are going at it
 with one another.


While, "Brian and Christy are on the couch going at it" is enough for the sentence, the problem is that you should be describing this. They are healthy teenagers doing what healthy teenagers like to do. And most readers like to read about. Give it some flavor. You don't need to be graphic or vulgar, but is there any urgency or hesitation about the 'going at it'? Is Brian rough or sensitive? Is Christy enthusiastic or reluctant? Are they fully naked or couldn't they wait to get at each other? You might think, "Use your imagination" but you want the reader to get involved and it's your job to use words to achieve that. If you are reluctant, set the scene from outside the front door with the officers knocking, waiting, peering in at the window, before Brian comes to the door, annoyed and a little out of breath, still pulling on his clothes. Christy appears behind him straightening her hair. Now we legitimately use our imagination to put the situation together.

The whole scene with the cops is unneeded because we already know Mitch is dead (unless we skimmed the end of the sentence that told us). Perhaps if you left the crash site at the moment of impact, with the reader fearing the worst, and now this confirms it? It needs some impact where Brian is affected one way or another, and not just as a metaphorical, "Good, now the cash register is open". I'd like to have a situation where Mitch's death was caused by some thoughtless negligence on Brian's part, so that his selfish indulgence in pleasure at that very moment would point up his lack of feeling for his step-dad.

Next, (finally!) a line I enjoyed:


              HARDING
    He did leave you the car.


Well, half a line. The 'legacy' is more amusing without the condition attached, and without Brian ranting about it. Just:


              BRIAN
    Don't crack jokes with me,
    Harding!


...and we'll get it. Once again, Harding and Jennings are unintroduced and unexplained. Here is a chance for a light comic touch, in their solemn reading of Mitch's will and barely suppressed satisfaction at Brian's discomfiture. Introduce them in the earlier scene of the failed presentation.

When Brian returns to school, Grant pulls the parking stunt on him. If you included that earlier scene, there would now be a symbolic shift in Brian's attitude to life. He has lost his stepfather and missed out on his legacy, and now his rival is gaining the upper hand. The base of power has shifted and Brian must fight back.

Remember, this is only going to work if we identify with Brian, even as an amoral anti-hero. The alternative is to root for Grant for sticking it to him. A quick point here - in the synopsis you refer to Grant as a 'kid' and for no particular reason my first thought was of an orphaned waif of ten or so. Put 'Grant and Brian are rivals' up front and then when misfortune hits, we get why Brian sees Grant as target for the heist. That entire plotline is a nonsense, by the way.

Still on the synopsis, you could usefully spend an hour or two getting it in order. It is confused and confusing, giving information not essential to the plot (his estranged mother, the circumstances of the two accidents). You just need to set up the story and give a fair idea of what is to come, without specific incidents but letting us know if it involves murder, deceit, lies and revenge. I wouldn't even state the names of the characters, just the situation they are in. Names are a distraction unless they are a plot element, mentioned in the title for example. Character names are a whole other issue of debate, and by chance I actually know a girl called Margo. Quite a popular name in Scotland I believe. There is a curious coincidence with your surnames - you've got Anderson, Henderson and Johnson under one roof and Christy's name is Carlson. Is it set in Iceland, or some rural mid-western Scandinavian community? It certainly does seem strange.

I honestly don't have time to go through every line, and this could stand for many parts of the script, but description is frequently wordy and dull. People are described doing things: walking, sitting, eating. It's flat.


 Lily is sitting down on the couch and crying.


Is she really. Oh dear. Lily sits/she cries... It's a start. There are deeper problems:


 He notices something that’s missing from this picture. He
 didn’t hear no baby crying.

            BRIAN
      There’s something odd about
      this picture here, Lily.

            LILY
      Could it be the fact that my
      baby is gone?


You see what you did there? You told us something and then you had the characters tell us again. It makes the read maddening. Anyway, who knows what the baby meant to her when she didn't seem too involved with it before? Remember, at this stage I thought Lily was his mother because his mother's situation is flagged in the synopsis, and it is fairly intriguing. Riches to rags! This must be her, right? But there is no sense of Lily ever having been rich, sitting in a trailer with smokes and soaps like she's allus bin po'. So wait a minute - is this character his mother in the synopsis but not the script? No, because next thing she calls him "like my brother" so we are back to being friends. Help me out, here.

The mother eventually turns up in an isolated funeral scene, reading a moving poem, the effect of which is lost by the typo at the end.

Once again, I'm not trying to be down on your effort. It's not for me to say anything is 'wrong' in your script, I'm just putting forward my idea of some of the many things that didn't work or could be better. Of course, I've only spent a few hours on your script and these are all quick impressions. If I had spent as much time as I presume you have, I might come up with alternatives to most problems. Hopefully, ten people at this site will give their opinion and you'll move towards a better script.
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NW3
Posted: February 7th, 2005, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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I'll finish with some constructive ideas.

[*CONTAINS SPOILERS*]

Forget the double-cross and murder mayhem of the scond half; start again and concentrate on characters, not tired retreads of poor 'mob money' thrillers.

I'd like an explanation as to why Brian is so resentful of his stepfather. He seemed a decent man. I'm not even sure of the family relationship - what happened to Brian's real father? Here's a thought: Mitch is Brian's father, Lily is his mother. She moved out when Brian was young and he's always resented Mitch because of it. Drove her to drink or something. Mitch turns cold on Brian, the memory of Lily he sees in the boy too painful for him. Margo is a gold-digger already with her hooks into Mitch, met and married him quick time. Fools around. Brian can see what is going on but Mitch won't have it. Brian sets a trap - the point where we join the movie. He gets the goods on bitch Margo and her unidentified lover and presents it to Mitch in a manner he literally can't ignore. He wants to shock his father into action and perhaps also hurt him the way he has been hurt, but this backfires when a devastated Mitch kills himself.

Perhaps his father's pride and joy is a cherished Cadillac, and when he leaves this - sadly wrecked - car to Brian in his will, Brian realizes his father loved him after all. Symbollically, he spends the $10,000 having it restored.

Meanwhile, Margo is taking steps to remove Brian from the picture. On turning 18 he's out the door and forced to move in with Lily. With indecent haste Margo takes in her lover, and who should this be but Mitch's trusted business partner, a crooked lawyer who settled the estate of his 'friend'. Brian - and Lily - have been legally swindled. This man has a daughter named Christy. Oh, yes. With her help, Brian will hatch a plan to get his inheritance back. She has a brother named Grant. What are the odds? Grant takes pleasure in flaunting his new-found wealth in the face of its rightful owner (he gets the keys to Brian's Porsche or something). He will oppose their efforts.

Now he has nothing, Brian understands that his life as a rich kid made him an unpleasant person, at first using Christy just to hack off his rival Grant. Now he regrets his behavior and gains her respect, valuing her as a person, not a trophy. Their investigations prove that Margo and the lawyer knew Mitch's fragile state of mind and goaded him to despair. Brian has to accept that it was not he who set the trap, but them and he has been used as a tool in his father's downfall. How he resolves things I'll leave up to you. Maybe State law says in a case of suicide the money goes to the wife, but since she is found guilty of murder (culpable homicide?) it passes to the son.

Perhaps when he does get the millions, Brian prefers his new life and uses the inheritance to set up the Mitch Anderson Memorial Sports Foundation for kids from broken homes, using his football skills to coach with the help of buddies like Santos, and maybe even Grant if he turns over a new leaf. better than having them all murder each other anyway. Brian and Lily make up for their lost years, she explaining, "I never loved Mitch but I always loved you." Brian and Christy drive the Caddy into the sunset.

This is all off the top of my head and with more time I could make it bulletproof. It's not the kind of story everybody will like, but at least it's a story.


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NW3  -  February 7th, 2005, 9:04am
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mwr311
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Well, I would agree with you, but unfortunately I can't. I'm not going to have Brian ask Christy out when he is just using her to f*** her anyway. That's stupid. I sure as hell wouldn't make a commitment if I just wanted to bust one. And I just flat out don't like your ideas. The story you had is pointless and not really smart. It sounded boring.
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George Willson
Posted: June 8th, 2005, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I went ahead and read it. I was looking for something to read and since Caution doesn't seem to be around anymore, I grabbed the title from the "helping Goose" thread.

Disclaimer: When I go through here, I do so with the intent of helping the writer in spotting some things that you ight have missed. I am brutal occasionally, but better brutal here than the reviewers or readers later. Whatever brutality I dish out, I can and hope to take on my own works. I neither intend to nor desire to rewrite your work.

WELCOME TO SPOILER CITY! THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU DON'T CARE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, GET IT HERE! SPOILERS ABOUND GALORE!

Overall, the basic story is clever enough. I like Brian's ruthlessness and his driving towards the goal. I think with some work and rewrites, this story has a lot of potential.

The downside is that it's really short. It needs some subplots to mirror the story or setup some character traits. Most of the characters are two-dimensional and need to be better painted.

The first act consisted of a LOT of sex and sexual references. For the story to turn the way it did, it was way too much. Had I not already decided to read it through, I would have stopped. After all, softcore pr0n is more fun to watch than read which is what Act I feels like. Once this stuff stopped, the script got better.

The opening scene should set the tone for the movie. Your opening scene is two people preparing to have sex. This is not the tone the rest of the script attempts to make. What may be more effective to show rather than tell may be to combine the sex scene with Brian wanting to snap pics of them. All the exposition provided in these two scenes can be handled later. This will show off Brian’s conniving nature right from the get-go since snapping such pictures only has one purpose: blackmail.

The hatred between Grant and Brain can be better established without Brian calling Grant a "faggot" in almost every line Brian speaks to him. What made these references even more pointless was learning that Grant is apparently NOT gay. This deception to the audience hurt this aspect of the story. When Lily came on to him, and he accepted, I was like, "Huh?"

When the whole plan was revealed, it was a full page monologue! Dear Lord, there must be a better way to show this than to have Brian speak for a full page. Try some flashbacks or something with voiceover showing whatever the audience has NOT seen of the plot to this point. Otherwise, cut out everything we already know and just point out the hidden parts of the plan.

When the plan was revealed, I had one burning queston: who was on the boat? This question was never answered.

Brian's solution to the mess in the hotel room: very clever.

Finally, watch your descriptions. Show, don't tell. If the audience can't see it, don't write it. I caught some examples while I did the page by page, but it happens so often that I didn’t note them all.




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George Willson  -  June 8th, 2005, 8:50pm
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George Willson
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THE SPOLIERS CONTINUE!!!




There's my off the head overview. And now: the page by page...these pages are based on my own WP program and yours might be different. If the pages are not exact, they should be close to where I’m talking about.

1:  “Sitting next to her is a man, TIMOTHY RUSH, which she has over while her fiancee is at work.” That she has a fiancee and that he is at work must be shown through dialogue and action, not in the description.

Margo and Timothy don’t really need to say anything. Their affair is revealed later, so we can just watch her put the wine glass down and then pull Timothy to the floor. The stuff about Mitch and getting home at seven is not necessary yet.

2: Try to use active verbs as opposed to progressive. This is only a suggestion, but the opening description in Brian’s room could read something like:

“Brian, an 18 year old jock, sits on the edge of his bed. Speaks on his cellular phone while snapping random pictures on a digital camera.”

“The two of them are obviously enjoying this.” How can you SHOW this? Could they be smiling?

“He watches Timothy…” Lose “He watches” and just state what Timothy is doing. This will indicate what we are to be watching.

3: “Brian looks down…with his eyes.” How else is he going to look down? Try to avoid redundancies.

4: “Brian walks in with something in his hand.” Something? This is going to be a film, right? We’re actually going to be able to SEE what he’s holding. It needs to be specified.

“He can see the secretary…” Unless this is filmed entirely through the eyes of Brian and not in traditional third person, just tell about the secretary and not what the actor playing Brian observes about her.

Lose the dialogue small talk at the bottom of the page. It doesn’t add to the story or Brian’s character. Dialogue should NEVER have smalltalk unless it contains essential information to the story.

5: I can’t see a lawyer actually revealing an excuse of why he is not prepared to clients. Again with the smalltalk. The scene should probably start when the secretary enters with the pictures. Avoids the excuses and the smalltalk.

Susan explains the package. No need to. The audience knows why it’s there. We know more than they do, in fact. Mitch knows about it too, and can show he knows by simply indicating what to do with it.

It’s also likely that Susan would know how to operate the projector. If she has done it before, he would expect her to know.

6: “…and he starts talking.” We can see this when he starts talking.

“Okay. We’re ready.” Throwaway lines… Equivalent to small talk. We can see they’re ready.

You are writing the description in the past tense which is incorrect for a screenplay. The action happens as we see it happen. Nothing should be past tense. Everything is happening as we see it in the present tense.

7: “She starts wiping her hands off…” It also appears that she finishes this action. Would be better to say “She wipes her hands off…”

9: “Brian…starts to go along.” Starts to go along? Perhaps he “follows.”

“Brian says it with an evil grin on his face.” First, redundancy: a grin can only appear on a face. Second, this would be better placed as a wryly between the character name and dialogue as (with an evil grin). Better yet, even, leave it to the actor. The setup should indicate how the actor should orient his face.

“He hasn’t eaten all day and was starving” This doesn’t show us anything.

I believe Mitch should be more upset with Brian for his little stunt. Perhaps he is not upset over Margo’s affair, however he should be upset over Brian’s disruption of his meeting.

10: The parking sequence. This also has a lot of tell. Think about the scene and write it as it would be shown. How can we see that someone HAS BEEN waiting for the space?

Christy needs more character setup than ditsy cheerleader. She ends up as what appears to be a one-night stand and while that works well for the twist later, when she reappeared, I had no idea who she was. I had to search for her name through the script. Her character should be so defined that we CAN’T forget her.

12: This is the third time we’ve read about Brian’s stunt with Margo. There is no need to repeat exposition unless it adds to the story. If he tells Santos, the scene would be better opened with Santos’ REACTION to the story. His lines will indicate what he was told, like “I can’t believe you made her do that.” “Yeah, I’m so glad my dad dumped her.” Not great, but you get the idea.

“They all start laughing at his comment” Better yet, “They laugh.”

Santos says, “I swear I saw him checking the dick out.” Checking what dick?

14/15: The scene with Christy and the beer doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think these types of scenes is what makes her so forgettable. Brian acts out of character “I was scared.” Sure, it’s a line, but it just feels way off and gives the scene a forgettable feel.

15/16: Mitch’s death scene: There’s a lot of tell here and not much show. You need to visualize the scene and then write what you SEE only. “He can’t see a thing.” That’s nice, but we can’t ask Mitch about the view. We need to SEE that he can’t see. He squints through the window. He turns the wipers up to high. His comment is ok to let us know he is blind, but if you show it well enough, it isn’t needed.

16: “Brian and Christy are…going at it…” The innuendo is understood, but seriously, going at what?

“Brian continues making lover…” I think you mean making love. Of course, he doesn’t love her, which means he can’t be making love, so they’re just having sex. You can get creative from there.

“He thinks that something could be wrong.” Can’t see what he is thinking…

Brian is mighty rude with the cops. “Who’s asking?” He may be spoiled, but the cops randomly showing up at your house is enough to cause concern to drop the attitude.

17: “Brian stands up in the middle of the meeting he was at…” A meeting is not tangible enough to see. Where is he and who was there and then Brian stands. Establish through dialogue and action that there is a meeting.

Harding says, “He wants the two of us to sort out what goes to whom.” This sounds like Mitch had no plans and they decided how much Brian got, but the next lines with the car indicate that it is in the will. The $10,000 should be clearly indicated that Mitch only let that much to Brian in the will. Contesting a lawyer’s will would be folly, but contesting a vague “We decided” has more weight. Make it uncontestable and carved in stone.

19: “Mrs. Shall opens the door…to see the two of them sitting there.” We already know they’re sitting there. This is unnecessary.

Mrs. Shall, as a principal, who have ignored Grant’s remark and moved on not giving Brian the opportunity to retort.

20: Mrs. Shall should not be delivering exposition about Brian’s father. We know this. She should be sympathizing with his situation.

Brian’s situation is none of Mrs. Shall’s business, and she would not discuss such personal business in front of another student.

“…eating his French fires…” I’ve always loved the hot variety…

21: “He didn’t hear no baby crying.” First, avoid double negatives in description. Second, this should be revealed through the action of the scene, not in a line of description.

23: If you really want a dissolve, show Lily’s reaction to the plan and Brian convincing her to carry it out. Don’t have him explain it. That is seriously boring and too much exposition.

25: A band member says, “Once his father dies…” My God, that is cold! His buddies are having him wait for his 36 year old father to die? If he lives his normal life, we’re talking 40-50 years. I can’t see them discussing this.

25/26: The mob scene: I kind of thought these guys would come back around with this setup, but they never showed again. I know the instance factors into the plot, but it may be better to show this meeting from Grant’s point of view instead of having us sit through the meeting. Inotherwords, have him overhear the muffled discussion while you build his character a little more. He sees the guys leave. He may even sit at the top of the stairs and hear some of the goings on. But unless they return, introducing these characters serves no purpose. I remembered them more than I remembered Christy.

28: Kirk states that Grant dresses in black all the time. Is this part of his character?

Rather than Lily ask why he can’t come with her, Brian could say he would come, but she interrupts about not believing Grant did not get suspended. It’s exposition we don’t need again.

28/29: The girls’ exposition is unnecessary and feels forced.

29: This is where Grant turns straight. No where before this point was this stated or implied. Brian has called him gay on every possible occasion. Heterosexuality is the character norm unless otherwise specified, and Brian has otherwise done so with Grant’s character. The problem further travels this path because of Grant’s comment on pg 13 where the gag is for Grant to perform an action on Santos uncharacteristic of a straight individual. Grant does not disagree, and if he is straight, he would definitely disagree.



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George Willson
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THE SPOILERS CONTINUE!!!!




30: Another clue to Grant’s character! “Gothic” The dude needs a description or something because this is changing my view of him. All your characters need descriptions of some sort to form a picture of them. Grant is a primary example of this. I have learned through dialogue what I should have been able to picture a long time ago.

31/32: Why did we have to sit through the poem? It may be pretty, but it slows down the script.

32: Grant on top of Lily…you say it twice.

33: Find me a 36 year old to declare that he is old. I’m 30, and I’m not old, nor are any 36 year olds I know. This only tells me that the writer is young…

“She pretends to have a kink but she doesn’t.” This is not only redundant, but unshowable. She glances sidelong at Kirk, and then rubs her neck. We’ll figure out that she’s faking it.

“He knew what she was doing.” Once again, can’t show this.

Kirk’s line about a date with his son, Grant, can go. It isn’t needed. An “uh-huh” is quite enough.

36: So, by bring “protection” I first thought he was referring to big bouncers names Sluggo and Greasepit, but after further contemplation, is he talking about condoms? If so, given the mob references that could refer to Sluggo, this should be clarified.

“…he wonders who it is.” Can’t show wonder. But he can walk up to the car, or crane his head to see past the glare on the windshield.

37: “We can see Kirk…” Avoid the words “We see” in descriptions at all costs. It detracts from the story.

Lily kisses Grant on the lips at a funeral. Funerals aren’t terribly romantic occasions and you rarely would see such a greeting at one.

37-39: Decent scene between Lily and Grant to build up their relationship. Could use some tightening, but it works.

40: Brian’s dialogue: verb tense is off: “I KNEW you had it in you.”

40/41: This end of scene bit about Charlie…it feels like cheap exposition. Based on the description, which can’t be shown, it seems like there is more to this though.

41/42: Calvin should be more empathetic to Grant just losing his father. His attitude is “I know it stinks your dad died, but cheer up, you have money.”

43: First, twisting the cap off of a car tire does not let air out of it. You need to twist the stem or depress the stem button. Alternatively, you could have Brian place a pebble in the cap and screw it on. That will depress the stem and deflate the tire.

Second, the line with “He was letting out of the tires, but why was he doing this?” This whole thing can go. The writer should not invade the script with comments.

If it’s obvious they had sex, show how it is obvious.

44: He’s going to drive on a flat tire? This makes absolutely no sense. One, he should legally have a spare in the trunk. If there’s no spare, he has the cash to call a tow truck. Now, it would be conceivable for him to drive on the tire if it is only partially deflated or if he doesn’t notice.

45: Why did Brian (presumably) deflate the guy’s tire and then spread spikes in the road? That doesn’t make sense.

46: How in the world did Brian and Lily beat Grant to the scene of the accident?

47: So Grant was carrying 14.2 million dollars in a large suitcase in the trunk of his car? Why isn’t it in the bank? Yes, that should be explained in the script. And it better be a good explanation. This is a major factor in your story and we have to be able to buy the reasoning for him carrying around his inheritance instead of leaving it in the bank. You’ve got some good setup reasons already, but they need to be clarified or it just looks convenient. On the same page, how did Lily know the money was in a large suitcase in the trunk?

48: What is the world is Ms. Briggs talking about? Does it relate to the story in any way?

49: Brian seems colder in these school scenes than anywhere else. I know he has a mean streak, but this is really too much. Tone it down a little.

50-53: This scene repeats a lot of info about stuff we already know. It needs to be focused into what appears to be the point: what to do next. Lose most of the extended expo about what we’ve seen only focusing on the most important points and then move forward with the story.

54: The only mention of Christy in Act 2. Since she is going to factor in soon, she needs to show up at some point in act 2. At least so we remember who she is.

54/55: This scene is decent. The problem is that Brian has never cared throughout the script about his football position. If he starts out being a big time jock and we perhaps see him play a game or care about it at the beginning, then this scene will have a huge impact, because it went from being his life to meaning nothing to him. Characters have to change throughout the script.

55-59: This scene between Lily and Kincaid and then the transition to her talking to Brian is quite good. It could be tightened a little, but you got the transition right on. We get to see Brian react to the previous scene. Well done.

60: I know why Santos has to overhear this info, but I feel like it could be done a little differently. Right now, it cheapens the moment to be so explicit. Perhaps, he listens to the conversation and we cut to mid-conversation on the inside and each of the major points are covered, but not so explicitly to feel like it has been cheapened in order to do it.

There is also no need for Santos to talk to himself. By driving over to the trailer his first self-realization is shown. When he kicks in the door, he shows his second one.

60-62: Santos character so far doesn’t really show him capable of this. He was remorseful over the loss of Grant. He either needs to show early on that he has this cruel streak, or he should be turned during this scene. I would favor the latter, personally. However, that would involve him trying to sneak away outside and getting caught by Brian who convinces him to help by offering a portion of the money and Santos demands half from there. Just a thought on that.

62: “Lily pulls out her gun and shies fires a bullet…” I believe shies should be she.

“They can hold a radio in their hands.” Um…that’s special? I don’t get it.

If Lily falls over dead, why does Brian snap her neck? It also might help for Brian to say why he killed her. As for what he poisoned her with, Santos’ medicine doesn’t come up later, so he can just toss it over. No big secret there. Why bother?

But even if it is kept from Santos, seeing the bottle in response would show the answer. I’m just wondering why Santos’ medicine would kill her.

65: If this isn’t a traditional open top Jeep, then we may need more info on the model since traditional Jeeps don’t have “trunks.”

66: “It’s so beautiful.” That’s nice. But you’ve already shown it. Let me decide whether I think it’s beautiful or not.

67: Kirk sets up the monologue with “Run it by me one more time…” Really cheap setup.

68: The monologue…oy, well I’ve said my piece already on that.

“Then there was bang.” Or better: BANG!

70: Turns and faces the camera? I think he faced a monitor.

Last line of description. Unnecessary. We are well aware of Brian’s status.


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mwr311
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your insigts. You really gave me a lot to learn on. It does make sense most of what you're saying. Thanks again. You helped me out a lot on the script I am writing now.
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