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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Almost Home Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 28th, 2005, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Almost Home by Dustin Martin - Short, Drama, Silent - This is a story about a man whose finding his way home in the middle of no-where. A lonley drifter who's poor, broke, and no shelter has to find his way home. He only has a backpack, black guitar case, and the only picture of his mother and father. He's in for some surprises that no one would ever expect. - rtf, format


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Shonagh
Posted: April 4th, 2005, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Has this already been made? This is a shooting script, and therefore difficult to read if you're not the director, there are some glaringly obvious grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, and too often we are told how the main character is feeling - how would someone watching the film know that? I can imagine some of these scenes would be really beautiful, there are some strong visual images, but story wise there isn't much to it.

I am full of admiration for your optimism - during the day shoots, nothing will go wrong!
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 4th, 2005, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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I am the director of this film. I made this during my Sophomore year of high school. And I know that I have alot of misspelling. That's what Im bad at. But how I told this is through the emotions in faces and not through the mind. Images create the story and tell it through with out explaining. As Rod Stewart's song say's "Every Picture Tell's A Story". That's what I did. Create a story with no dialouge and through beautiful images. O, I'm new to this board.


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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Shonagh
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Big Dusty, welcome to the board. I'm not great at spelling either, so I always get someone who is to check my scripts for me - its a little disheartening when they come back covered in red pen but it pays off in the long run, because its really distracting to read something full of mistakes and it just makes you look bad as a writer.

I  picked up very quickly reading your script that it was written by a director (thats why my first question was has this been made) - I guess if you are making it yourself then you can write it however you want because you're not trying to communicate a story or a particular emotion to another person through the script, its more like 'note to self'.

So did anything ever come of the finished film? Written/made anything since?
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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I did make this. I'm a senior now in high school and made this two years ago. This was for my Film Studies Class and now I revised my draft to a much better format. The reason why that there are alot of note to self's is because it helps e understand my own writing. Or I'll forget to write it on paper. And it helps the actors to interact with there charcaters. You know how a actor goes off to do his or her own reaserch. Well, it's in the script. When the finished film was complete alot of these shot were in the finished film. The opening shots simply came from when I was walking alone at around 5 A.M in the morning doing an early walk. Also, I like to get into emotions with facial expressions. Especially with with a backround of beautiful desert scenary. I really wanted to enter this into a film festival, but the music I choose to have in this short was the main title theme of the movie "Unforgiven". The Clint Eastwood western which won best picture and director. And that's not an original piece of music, because of copyright laws. I would not like to get invole with that. During my junior year, I made a black and white gangster film called "Sin City Boys" last year. Thw whole class loved it, but I hate it. Becasue the fact is that it's more of a homage to certian movies like "Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas, Ocean's Eleven & Kill Bill". So it sucks and I'll never post it ever on a website. But back to Almost Home is that, when I was shooting this project was that the cast was my brother's best friend as The Drifter, my brother as The Theif, myself as the clerk at the motel, and my dad as you guessed it. The Dad. But I'm proud of this film and the many others that are about to be put on page. And this year for theater I directed a one-act called "Drugs are Bad". And that went on to state confrence in Nevada. But hopefully that once in college I can remake this film with some more techniques and really get the vision that I want. O, Thank you for welcoming me to the board.


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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Alan_Holman
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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I think it'd be helpful if people who directed their own scripts also find ways to share the finished product.  It'd be enlightening if we could download the video somewhere.
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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I actually have photos of the film on my computer. But I don't know how to paste it to the board. And I wish that I could put it up for download.


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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R.E._Freak
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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BigDusty301:
You can use a free image host like Photobucket (http://www.photobucket.com/) then link directly to the images in a post.
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Thanks alot. Try this link that I just posted. I have 4 images up and more on the way.
http://photobucket.com/albums/.....AlmostHomePoster.jpg


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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You're cover reminds me of the ending creates of the the 1970's tv version of
"The Hulk."


Revision History (1 edits)
Chris_MacGuffin  -  April 6th, 2005, 7:20pm
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 6th, 2005, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Here's another shot of the film when the main character goes down the road to the motel. http://photobucket.com/albums/.....mostHomeShots005.jpg


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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Shonagh
Posted: April 7th, 2005, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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These shots look fantastic. Couldn't you re-edit the film with a different (original) soundtrack?
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BigDusty301
Posted: April 7th, 2005, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Every Picture Tells a Story

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I wish. But this sets the tone of the film. If I had the rights to the score. But I had to edit up at my school, with my editor and friend. And he graduated already. But at least you like the shots. I added a few more pics to show everyone. Including my cameo as the hotel clerk at the motel. I am so fat in this picture. Check them out.


There's millions stories in the world to choose. The right one is just around the corner.
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Poke
Posted: April 17th, 2005, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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It seems like I've been beaten to the punch on most of the comments I have, nevertheless I will try to add to what has been said.

When writing a script try to tell what the characters are feeling through a visual means.  For instance, this is a good way to show The Drifter's feelings:


Quoted Text
The Drifter stands in the middle of the road and waits for the train to pass by. There are onlookers waving to him. He doesn’t wave back.


We see he is dettached.  You don't tell us how he feels but we see it.

This is a bad way to show feelings:


Quoted Text
The Drifter is walking back to the highway. He feels like he’s not wanted anywhere.


As Shonagh pointed out, we can not see what he feels.  Film is a visual medium, try to show things visually.  Perhaps he looks around and sees families, couples, little boys playing frisbee with their beloved dogs and sighs.  This would show us that he feels unloved or unwanted.

This one is both good and bad:


Quoted Text
The Drifter walking out of the campground kicking rocks as far as he can. He’s angry and mad.


We see that he is angry and mad by the action of the rock kicking.  Saying "He is angry and mad." is overkill.  If you want to make his anger more apparent,  have him pick up a rock and throws it at the campground sign.

Now, the ending.  Whoa!  That was out of the blue.  Generally an audience will not tolerate something so surprising and new.  Think about "The Sixth Sense,"  would that ending be so great if there was nothing leading up to it?  That movie has some of the best use of foreshadowing, in it's dialogue, color schemes, and charaters reactions - basically the whole film is one big foreshadow of the ending.

You use foreshadowing with the photograph, but that's not enough, in my opinion.  I think you can work it out by foreshadowing the truck - have the white pick up be seen throughout the short...when the Drifter comes into town, when he enters the campground, etc.  But it must be seen.  It must be a big part of the story.  The audience must notice it, or the ending won't work.

Also, it seems very unlikely that a) he wouldn't recognize his father immediately, even if they've been seperated for some time, and b) that the tension between them (whatever it stems from) would be resolved so effortlessly, it seems they've been at odds for a while, a simple "I'm taking you home." wouldn't fix things.

Also try to use active verbs and verb phrases.  Instead of "The white truck is started and starts to pull off the shoulder and off on the road." say "The white truck pulls onto the road."  This makes a script leaner and more exciting to read.

I know you have already made this inot a short, so I am guessing you just want some feedback on this to help you with your next.  Just remember that film is visual, and a writer's best weapon is the visual image.  

Good luck.
Poke


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PanaVis
Posted: September 30th, 2007, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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hi there Dustin.. i was just wondering 2 things first do you have a final copy of this film
and if you could authorize me to re-adapt this amazing story into nowdays city version, i was thinking new york or LA. if so please let me know and i will contact my production team and we could get all the paperwork. again i just want to adapt over you script. and if you have the final copy of your film i would be happy to have it ($?)
thanks.
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