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The Evil In Men by Joseph Cahill - Short - After being in country 6 months, CPL Sturgeon, a Marine Corps flute player gets his only mission in Vietnam...two days before going home. - doc, format
Firstly, this is an good script. There are a few typos and a few instances of misformatting, but overall well written. I would suggest going over it with a fine tooth comb.
A coupe of things I caught:
Quoted Text
INT. SURGEON RESIDENCE – BEDROOM
STURGEON
There were a few times you had Deeb's name in all caps, this is only necessary on introduction.
And some of the action description was clunky and unnecessary:
Quoted Text
A large mass of bodies moves in rhythmic motion beneath white linen sheets. The outline of the bodies moves in symbiotic, sexual fashion.
At first read this came off, to me, as an orgy. I think it would be better written as: _________________________________________________________
UNDER THE LINEN SHEETS
Two bodies intertwined. Moving in rhythmic, sexual thrusts. _________________________________________________________
You could take this approach to many passages of action, simply to make them leaner and thus make the story flow faster.
Some of the dialogue is on the nose, but most of it is outstanding! I particularly like initial conversation between Sturgeon and Deeb.
Personally, I think the introduction of the dead soldier and the money should happen earlier in the script, and let the tension play out between Sturgeon and Deeb throughout until the climax.
Poke, Thanks for the read. I appreciate the feedback. You are really the first person to give me any feedback on it and it's difficult at times to review your own work objectively. From what I've seen from your other posts, you know what you are talking about so I'll definitely take your advice. You are right on my extraneous descriptions...reads like a novel at some instances...it's something I'm working on trying not to do as much. Again, thanks for the read.
On the idea of introducing the "body" sooner, how do you suggest I might do that?
As much as I like the conversation between Deeb and Sturgeon (the one with the joke), it could be cut drastically in order to introduce the driving point of your story (the body and the bag). In turn, you could lengthen the time between the eventually death of the unnamed soldier and the dumping of the body. I just felt there needed to be more tension between Sturg and Deeb, in order for Sturg to do what he does.
Also, The "drugs" don't play enough of a role. You have Doc telling Sturg not to overdo it, yet Sturg is popping them like crazy near the end of the story. I thought that perhaps you could have him halucinate about the boy at the end - he sees the boy laughing at him, yet we see three Charlie laughing at him, then they shoot him. Just a thought.
Poke, Thanks for the advice. I think you are dead-on about the story...I did "rush" the development between Deeb And Sturgeon("premature plotulation" and now realize that I need to slowly precipitate the tension between the two. It would pull the reader in more, maybe. I could even pull the story out to 60 minutes or more...and I didn't utilize the drug "thing" enough...I like the idea about hallucinations, though...I wonder if I should throw hints of hallucinations/visual disturbances earlier on (I'm thinkin of Devil's Advocate where faces distort for seemingly no reason) it could create some suspicion...I hate to cut the dialogue between Deeb and Sturg...a true story by the way...my favorite point in the script...but again, you're probably right. Again, thanks for the advice.
I hate to cut the dialogue between Deeb and Sturg...a true story by the way...my favorite point in the script...but again, you're probably right. Again, thanks for the advice.
Regards, Joe
Maybe just trim it. If you are stretching it out, you could leave it, just lengthen the time between the fiding of the body and the dumping of the body.
Read this over the weekend and just wanted to let you know my thoughts.
SPOILERS!!
I think you write really well. I didn't have any real issues with format or anything like that. It was easy to visualise too.
I was familiar with some of the military expressions, thank God, from watching 'Casualties of War', lol! Otherwise you'd have had me asking you lots of stoopid questions...
I liked the storyline, it was original and I can't praise original ideas enough. I was a little disappointed to not having found out what was to happen to the pregnant wife. That's me though, typical woman, but I felt sorry for your lead ultimately and wanted some kind of justice for him at least in the relationship.
I liked the way you twisted his character too, which at that point, gave the script a nice new edge, like anything can happen now.... made it dificult to predict!!
Overal, characters were good and it was well written indeed. Hope to see more of your work here soon.
Andy, Thanks! I'm glad you read it. You know, I had an alternate ending where we find out the wife actually loved him and the child was his afterall but I cut it...decided to keep the story sort of "unfinished"...like life, I suppose. I'm a fan of stories that don't work out in the end(down endings)...this is being filmed by an independent company and should be done in the fall. I can wait to see it! I do have another script on the site but am almost embarrased to reveal it...let's just say you learn a lot from writing your first script! I am working on another full-length and hope to have it complete this summer. Loosely, based on my life...about two kids who plot to kill their mother(I emphasize, LOOSELY BASED)...Again, thanks for taking the time to look at it. BTW, what do you have on the site? I would love to read some of your work...
Don't mention it! I too liked the unfinished ending, I just also was curious about his wife too. You made the right choice by ending it the way you did.
Don't be embarrassed of your other work, lol! If it improves with each project, that's something to be proud of right?
I wrote a fanfiction sequel script to 'The Goonies' called, 'Goonies never Say Die' - in the adventure section - was my first script actually. It's feature length, so unless you got anything better to do for 2 hours, of course feel free to give it a read!! The more the merrier. Don't worry if it's not your thing though!!
Keep us posted with how this script turns out for you when it's produced and I will look out for the new one when it's done... just give me the heads up on it.
Just got info on the trailer to the screenplay. Shoot is taking place in Finland. The setting has been changed but for the most part the screenplay has been kept intact. Dialogue will be in Finnish but will be subtitled in English.
Looks good, except those hundred dollar bills from the close-up have only been in circulation in the US for the past few years, well beyond the end of the Viet Nam war.
Looks good, except those hundred dollar bills from the close-up have only been in circulation in the US for the past few years, well beyond the end of the Viet Nam war.
Ha! Good catch, Mike. The other thing that I noticed was the guy flipping the bills out with his hand to give the impression of them blowing or falling out.
One of the things that is going to be changed about the script is the "war" is going to be a non-placed and non-dated war. They're going to make that part ambiguous. So the bills should fit. We'll see.
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The Evil In Men
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and now realize that I need to slowly precipitate the tension between the two. It would pull the reader in more, maybe. I could even pull the story out to 60 minutes or more...and I didn't utilize the drug "thing" enough...I like the idea about hallucinations, though...I wonder if I should throw hints of hallucinations/visual disturbances earlier on (I'm thinkin of Devil's Advocate where faces distort for seemingly no reason) it could create some suspicion...I hate to cut the dialogue between Deeb and Sturg...a true story by the way...my favorite point in the script...but again, you're probably right. Again, thanks for the advice.
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