SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 21st, 2018, 6:26am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Scripts of the October OWC

The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Anniversary Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Anniversary  (currently 5224 views)
Don
Posted: May 8th, 2005, 7:46am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12527
Posts Per Day
1.93
Anniversary by M Lancaster - Short, Action - There's only one way to make a clean break. Super short, dark thriller - rtf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Martin
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 5:04am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi guys, this is my first attempt at posting on here. This script was written in about 30 mins after an inspired cigarette break during a thunder storm. I'm working on a feature which I plan to post here as soon as it's done. Just testing the water with this one.

I'd welcome any feedback

thanks
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 41
Balt
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 5:27am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Um.... hmmmmm????? Welp, um.... hmmmm??? Yeah this is um.... um what would you say? How would you say it???? Strange, bizzare, spaced out, nutty, hit and miss a little dodgy, maybe.

Anyways, you write well enough, that you do do. I saw this thing in my head, that's a plus... I just don't think I wanted to. It's a little abstract and at the same time chilling. I don't hate it, I don't. I don't like love it, though either. I do like it. That I do do.

You might need to explain this one to some folks, though. I think I get where you are coming from, but some might not. Hell I might not either for that matter, but I think I do.

Good effort, even more so for the 30 minutes it took to write it... Well done!

Balt~
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 41
Andy Petrou
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 5:27am Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
714
Posts Per Day
0.14
This was a wee bit shorter than I expected, lol! Short but bittersweet though.




Spoilers --->





Let me get this straight... just to see if I'm on the same wavelength as you... the girl was his true love and he wanted to die because he couldn't have her? If so, then that was pretty powerful stuff! Sad too. I know he is a murderer, but it's one of those I can't live without them stories, which always touches me. It was a successfully emotional piece in my eyes.

I liked the use of voiceover in this. Really worked well. The weather was a good reflection of the situation too. You write well, though a little wordy at times in your description, you do manage to set the scene successfully. I love the use of rain in films actually, take 'Identity' for instance... It maintained the tone of the movie throughout, much like yours does.

I like the fact that the couple don't speak. If you made it longer, would bringing in their dialogue ruin it somehow? I think it might.

I also like the way the man doesn't say much, but what he does say is powerful. Less said in as few words the better. Often the case in life too.

I liked it. Are you going to extend this a little or is this it? I wonder if flashbacks to his relationship with her would be good too?

Andy x

PS- Welcome to the forum.

Revision History (1 edits)
Andy Petrou  -  May 9th, 2005, 5:32am
can't spell
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 41
Martin
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 5:32am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi guys, thanks a lot for taking the time to read and reply. I actually thought about extending it to maybe 10 or 15 minutes. It was really just a spur of the moment idea I had. My scripts aren't usually this dark and disturbing
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 41
Balt
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 5:37am Report to Moderator
Guest User



No don't extend it, that'd just saturate it and ruin it. It's fine like it is. It could even be thrown together in a mix or compilation of bizzare shorts too. Maybe something that ranges from comedy, drama, horror and thriller...??

I think it's strange and a bit inspired by lost love and a scorned ego, but the burden of proof is not to prove yourself. It's that you believe yourself when you say it's over.

Keep it like it is. Don't extend it whatever you do. It'll only tarnish it if you throw in flashbacks and add substance to it. Right now it has a fast, sudden, early 70's vibe to it. It's all sudden and spur of the moment stuff, anything more would be as redundant as my post here.

Balt~
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 41
Martin
Posted: May 10th, 2005, 3:02am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks for the feedback guys. Anyone else wanna read it? It's a very quick read.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 41
A_Clockwork_Strawberry
Posted: May 12th, 2005, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Red


Location
greenbelt
Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.01
All I have to say is "SHEER BRILLANCE"

I really loved it... what else have you written... and I really like the length and the mystery you present. It's like the viewer can interpret their own kind of ending and meaning to it.

GOOD JOB!!!
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 7 - 41
Martin
Posted: May 13th, 2005, 3:53am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi clockwork, thanks for the praise, I'm... flattered.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS










A few people on another site suggested that this would work well as the opening scene of a feature. I was quite happy with it as a standalone piece but I started thinking about what would drive the character to do what he does. I decided to write the events leading up to this moment, tracking the character's life all the way from childhood to where he ends up. So far I've written 20 pages and I'm happy with where it's going. It's kind of like a coming of age story showing the events that shaped his character and eventually drove him to murder and suicide.

Any thoughts?

Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 41
A_Clockwork_Strawberry
Posted: May 13th, 2005, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Red


Location
greenbelt
Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey, would you mind sending me the 20 pages... I'd love to read em. I like your work. And I think that it can't hurt to write it. I am even writing my perspective of why he does this... thanx for the inspiration.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 9 - 41
Donny2123
Posted: May 14th, 2005, 1:16am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.00
Well it's agreed, your short piece is awesome!!! It fits today's low attention span climate perfectly. I also would like to see those 20 pages if you don't mind. Also you should keep the veil of mystery in your current extensions. For example whoever the murder is I think shouldn't be obviously pinpointed in the beginning. Hell  maybe the guy that is the murderer wasn't the women's jelous boyfriend after all. Maybe she was actually a call girl that some desperate guy befriended and tried his hardest to make her quit the business and become his one and only love. Just a suggestion but i'm sure your extensions will  be as exciting as your previous work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 41
Martin
Posted: June 8th, 2005, 5:29am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks Donny. The extension of this script is on hold at the moment while I'm working on other things.

Is anyone interested in reading my work in progress comedy piece and offering a critique? It's about 30 pages so far and I'd really like some feedback before I continue.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 41
A_Clockwork_Strawberry
Posted: June 13th, 2005, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Red


Location
greenbelt
Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.01
Sure! I love your stuff so far. Pass it my way and I'll give it a good read and get back to you. Just email it to me. Thanks again!
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 12 - 41
Martin
Posted: June 17th, 2005, 3:02am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
741
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Clockwork, I submitted the 1st 30 pages as part one of a series, it should be up on the site in the series section soon
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 41
bert
Posted: June 17th, 2005, 7:44am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4498
Posts Per Day
0.91
I have to agree with Balt.  You've packed plenty into a very tight package.  It is what it is, and while it's fine to go back and fine tune some things, it does not require much more than we've been given.

I'm reminded of those short segments on Night Gallery where they needed to fill 3-4 minutes.  Those were some of the best ones.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 41
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006