Sunsets of Africa by Cornelia - Comedy, Drama - In the heart of Africa on the banks of the Zambezi river and the great Victoria Falls lies a hotel, a colonial hotel, Amansie. Its earliest beginnings as a trading post for settlers started by the Bradshaw family. Now in modern day, Tim, who is the great great grandson of old man Thomas Bradshaw, runs the hotel with his wife Nelia. Nelia’s mother Connie and her very English husband Colonel Richard Redding and Tim’s mother Biddy, all of whom are starting to go rather senile, also live there. Tim and Nelia have two daughters Lizzy and Katie, Lizzy being the environmentalist and Katie the “almost psychologist”.   They are trying to run a hotel under the conditions of shortages in simple commodities like food and petrol after the recent land invasions by so called war veterans. - doc, format

I'm going to take a look at this, but you really should shorten your synopsis here.  Try something like:  "A shortage of supplies patience and sanity hinders a man and his family in running a colonial hotel along Africa's Zambezi River."


Phil

I started reading this, Cornelia, but didn't get far.  A couple of things really bothered me that you should fix.

First, the political history lesson of White Africa was beating me in the face.  While the topic itself (and the side that the characters favor) doesn't offend me, the amount that you wrote in the first few pages was like you were preaching to me.  Tone that down.  Why not just have Tim and Nelia talking about something pleasant.  How about the wedding that's going on?  You're introducing them with a lot of political talk.  As I said earlier, the side that Tim and Nelia are on doesn't bother me (though it could bother others enough to put it down), the preachiness does.

Your dialogue is all too on-the-nose.  In the first two pages of script is an informative and persuasive lecture.  It's not a husband and wife talking.  People don't normally talk like encyclopedia entries.  Instead of explaining everything at once, drop hints about the situation there.  Briefly mention the fighting.  Briefly mention the problems they have.  Tease us a little bit.

Much of the description that you write cannot be recorded by a camera, and that is EXACTLY what your direction should be:  what is recorded by the camera.  What is shown on the screen.

On page three of the script (I'm distregarding the three page treatment you put in front of the script), you wrote:

"Nelia puts her hand on Tim’s leg and looks into his eyes, still very much in love after almost 25 years."

How does the camera record how long they've been together?  On the same page, you also wrote:

"The country has been going through a big economic turmoil; almost all necessities are short, especially foreign exchange."

You have to show this visual.  You can't describe it.  A final example is on page five:

"Nelia is booking a game and Victoria Falls viewing trip for the Armstrong’s, an American couple, but the game driver has run away, and the other two rangers are already out, because of some voodoo that had been put on him. Nelia and Tim are trying to persuade him to come back to work. He (Thomas) and Tim are discussing it on the side whilst Nelia pretends to be calm, but knows that they are in a fix."

Show this.  Maybe in a conversation.  Maybe there are voodoo markings on the Jeeps.  Anything, just don't write some prose.

I think the story concept is good.  I would like to read it, but changes have to be made.


Phil

Thanks so much for the tips, im going through my script with a fine tooth comb, once I have made the changes do I resubmit it as a full script again?  I really appreciate your input and I look forward to further comments!

Cornelia

Dear Phil,

I’m so Thrilled at having all this feed back from you, I so want to get this story right. After Living in Zimbabwe and going through the nightmares of what went on and I’m sure you’ve seen the latest news on what’s going on over there, I want to get my story out there with out been to dramatic, but I agree its not a complete comedy but more a drama with comedy. Id like to ask you a question, if you think that this script has potential to be made into a film, do you know of an experienced script writer that would like to go in with me to rewrite the script good enough to market?  
I have done some work on the beginning making it light, and not to heavy on the political side. Could you email me directly then I can email you on the work that I have done. My email address is mccauley@mweb.co.za. If not can i send you a snipit on Quick reply

Yours Sincerely

Cornelia

Cornelia,

If I had a friend as you described, I'd be working with him.

The suggestions I wrote earlier will keep you busy for a bit.  If you need to, put your script down for a few weeks to clear your head.  Read some of the scripts here.  When you get back to work script, you'll be starting very fresh.


Phil

Thats true,exept it sounds like you know what you are doing.Thanks again, i think i will give it a week, my head is boggled.

Cornelia