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Model 500 by Andrew Roby - Short, Drama, Thriller - The Model 500 S&W Magnum Revolver is the most powerful handgun in the world. Holding 5 bullets, it has the largest cartridge ever. When a depressed mother/wife gets a hold of this only god knows what she can do. In this short story about love and death we watch as each family member tries to reason with her before being blown to pieces. And when your house is on the hillside over 10 miles from civilization and no car, anything can happen. - doc, format
It was alright, but like "Frozen Shut", it's missing so much that would make it better, like maybe more information on the characters and shit like that.
Although I am biting my tongue (until it bleeds!) to say it, I have to agree with Phil on this one. It's a swing and a miss. Contagium shows that you can do better.
It feels like you heard about a very cool gun, then quickly drafted a story around it, and in your haste you forgot the story, the characters, and a motivation.
The main problem is you put this out there before it was fully baked. If you do come back to it, you can keep the action you have here and tell the remainder of the story (the part that explains why any of this is going on) with a series of flashbacks.
It could be cool, but have a little patience with it. Let these characters tell YOU what led to this so you can tell us, you know?
Actually, I started out simply "agreeing with Phil", but it sounded dull, and I added the "till it bleeds" stuff as an afterthought -- more for Andrew's benefit -- 'cuz he obviously digs that kind of stuff.
Buy you were right in the previous thread, man. This piece is not yet ready for prime time.
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