Adding Darkness by Tim Dragga - Horror, Thriller - Still reeling from the recent deaths of both parents, new writer and publishing heir Carson Abercrombie takes off on a cross country trip with his childhood friend, Verra. When the patrons of a mysteriously out of the way diner all seemingly drop dead, the two travelers become lost in a shifting maze of changing distances and suffocating darkness.    - fdr, format

This is the first script I've submitted here and I'm interested to read what everyone thinks.  

All your responses will be helpful, positive or negative.

Thanks.

Tim,
Great script, well written with good characterisation. A very interesting premise. Now for the criticisms.

There is little sense of terror from the two main characters through most of the script. This is fine -puzzlement is natural- but the situation should not suggest they should be scared. Crank up the fear factor towards the end.

The last page is disappointing. Either rethink the ending, perhaps making it darker (maybe that's just my preference), or making a more logical link between the gas station and being back in the proper world.

Looking forward to seeing other comments.

I really enjoyed reading this one.  Enough to make it the first one I've commented on thus far.  I disagree with the previous poster about the lack of terror, because I definately felt it.  It creates a great feeling of unease throughout.  

However, I do have to agree with the previous poster about the ending.  It was very abrupt and a little too easily wrapped up.  Obviously no ending you write is ever going to please everybody, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving questions unanswered (and boy are there a lot of them here!), but the last two pages just feel like they're sprinting past something that could be really interesting to stretch just a little bit longer, if that makes any sense .  Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a story that doesn't go out of its way to try to tirelessly explain everything in the end and just leaves it up to reader/viewer to look closer and come up with their own explanation, and Adding Darkness has that quality in spades!


This script is very promising and has a ton of potential.  If you ever do a rewrite of this, or if you write anything new, I would love to read it!

Ehrik
conman16x@gmail.com