Leave Revenge Up To God by Kenney Ponsaert (Kenney P) - Short, Drama - A man, Phil, relives some of his darkest moments in childhood as he sees the man responsible, in a casket before him, ready to be cremated. - rtf, format

Wow, short and shocking. I like it.

SPOILERS






I loved the direction you took with this one. You waste no time in getting to the meat of the story. Your descriptions are vivid and drew me into the tale. Flashbacks were good, and not too long. I like the way you intercut between past and present very quickly. You gave us just enough of an impression that Phil had been continually tormented by this guy,  justifying what he did. I love the ending too, great sense of irony there. Good stuff!

(This one is pretty much all spoilers)

So how come nobody else went with a crematorium?  I liked it for that right off the bat. And you handled the back and forth pretty well, too.  I only got confused at one point, near the end, with the slug that reads "Ext. Building - Midnight".  I was a little uncertain what was going on here, but that was probably more a function of our self-imposed time constraints than anything else. If you ever return to this one, that section might could use a little more explanation.  I also found the teacher to be a little too accepting of a kid dropping the f-bomb in class.

Your ending was unique amongst these stories, too -- no redemption, no revenge -- but closure nevertheless. Good job.

Not a bad little story. It flowed well, but I think a little more setup at the end might've been nice. There are some switches that happen somewhat without warning. Visually, we would've been clued in as to the time frame, but you don't always describe the age of Phil. Other than that, well done.

Hey Kenney,


SPOILERS ->


Congrats for using the crematorium as your angle, very refreshing.  

Like Bert, I found the classroom scene a bit unrealistic. I can't imagine any teacher allowing a student to be so vulgar and get away with it. Not to mention letting off this student while they're making such obvious hurtful digs at another classmate... just didn't sit well with me.

I did feel sorry for Phil and all the bullying he went through. I think you did a good job in making his bullying experiences real and painful.

Great job with the turn in the last scene! I totally didn't see that coming. A great little twist there, well done. I think perhaps it could benefit from a re-write just to tighten it up a bit more as it has a lot of potential.

Overall, good job, Kenney. I liked it.

Andy  

Kenny - I liked this story. As was stated before, you handled the flashback-and-forth well, and the ending wrapped it up nicely. I thought the bullying was a little too extreme, though. Dennis wasn't just a bully, he was a criminal. Sometimes persistent ridicule and name-calling can be more painful than a beating.

Well done.

Cool story. I liked the ending the best and your intercuts of past and present. Bravo.

SPOILERS....whatever

While I haven't read all of the scripts for this little competition/game/excercise yet, I was surprised that you wrote the only one where the mortician was involved in the bully's death.  

I had some problems with the formatting.  Your opening line:  "...John and Phil, respectfively around thirty." left me hanging.  You have to describe what they're doing at this point.  I had to read this sentence over a couple of time because I thought I was missing something.

On the last page, you mention that Dennis is about to take out his car keys.  You really can't show someone about to do something.  You write what is can be shown on the screen.  At the end of the story, you say that the heart attack can't be stopped.  The same applies here, though they usually don't stop once they begin.

I found Phil to be overly sensitive in the flashbacks, particularly the one regarding Romeo and Juliet.  After having a cigarette put out in his arm, the insults don't seem so bad.  And where did the name 'Boar' come from?  What was Dennis' motivation for going as far as he did?  Childhood bullying is one thing, but follwoing him later on in college deserves a little more detail.

The story reminds me of the old House of Mystery comics I grew up reading.  It's classic 'reap what you sow' type stuff.


Phil

Wow, thanks for all the comments and tips you guys!
I did the piece in about an hour, and yes I felt quite uneasy to hold back the teacher, I'll change that when I'll ever rewrite it. Then I can also expand some stuff, explain more.

I like writing for assignments, strangely enough I just can't finish full scripts, I have tons of unfinished stuff up to 60 pages each but never had the motivation to polish it or finish it. Shorts on the other hand, I can keep writing them if I have some inspiration.

Again thanks for the hints, tips and comments!

Hey Kenny I read this cause it got bumped to the top of the portal thing... I thought what the hell, ya know?

Anyways here goes...

The dialogue reads a bit rough. Maybe it's just me but some of the stuff doesn't come of so good, while some of it shines. I liked the basics of the dialogue. It seemed very natural at times only hindered by a few lines here and there that really didn't add to the mix much.

You use "Beat" I still don't get why people use that and "pause" and such. Use ... to show a pause or break in speech it just reads better and doesn't stop the flow.

"They laugh, punch Phil onto the ground" ... Doesn't sound right to me.

I dunno if you could get away with a "Fucking" in class. I think you'd get more than a "watch your mouth" doesn't seem real, that part.

"The tense is rising" Should be tension. "Dennis punched Phil on the nose" should be punches.

In the casket you have Dennis his head. That doesn't sound right either.  He wipes the blood off his nose and the watches his hand??? It should be looks at his hand.

The dialogue is really rough. "Don't say it son, and go watch in the garage"  What does that mean?  Maybe it should read like this "And you don't have to, son. Now go have a look in the garage"  I dunno... that's how I'd do it.

The car has been destructed???? Destroyed, maybe?

"Phil smashes the table with the casket on. The top of the casket, falls and breaks down on the ground. Phil is startled by the noise of the breaking piece of wood."  I don't get any of that.

The last part was so sporadic it lost even me. You switched from Dennis to Phil to some old guy and then back to Phil within' seconds it seems and lost most any build up there was to be found.

The story is good. I like the back and forth nature of it. I don't think some of it was as polished as it could be. I think some of the dialogue is rough and the ending is a bit weak. I don't get why Dennis had it out for Phil so much, maybe explain this a little more.

You had several parts in here that simply didn't make sense... due to just wrong words. That's really no big deal, you can fix that easily.

All in all I did like it, don't think that I didn't. I just think the last bit lost focus and direction and ended up loosing something it had along the way.

Interesting read.