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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cold Feet: A Short Film Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cold Feet: A Short Film  (currently 3361 views)
Don
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cold Feet: A Short Film by Matthew Orobko - Short, Horror, Drama - A man talks about his undying love for his wife but as we learn more about his relationship, we discover a horrifying and shocking secret.  - doc, format


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Martin
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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ALL SPOILERS












Um... now then, I'm a fan of shorts, I'm a fan of shocking shorts, I'm a fan of horror, hell, I'm even a fan of Oscar Wilde. I'm not easily offended. I like shock and awe, I like gore, I like the grotesque but I can't say I liked this.

Firstly, I think the opening voice over is too long, in fact, a lot of the voice over is too long. The dialogue is pretty good but there's too long with nothing to visualise.

I guessed your twist way too early and once I knew it, I didnt want to continue reading, but I did. I think because I knew the twist, the rest of it didn't work well for me. You were dropping subtle hints in the dialogue but by that point my curiosity had been replaced by a kind of sick feeling in my stomach. Even once the twist is entirely obvious, you carry on too long, I just wanted to stop reading.

In my opinion, the sex scene is going way too far. I understand you wanted to shock and I think you achieved that, but it has no impact on me other than repulsion. Your writing is good but I really dislike the subject matter. Not much else to say really.









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GalagaOnIce
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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The twist is pretty obvious from the start.  Decent idea, but it just needs more to it.  More flesh on the bones.
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greg
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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SPOILERS AHEAD

This was incredibly strange, Matthew.  This isn't something along the lines of "House of 1000 Corpses" where loads of bizarre violence is present, but it goes one step beyond that.  I really don't know what to think here.

The guy is clearly a psychopath because he's still having sex with his dead wife, that really grossed me out.  I really don't know what to make of this...the guy is just insane and it gave me this sick feeling in my stomach.  He reminded me of, sad to say, Jeffrey Dahmer.  

Your dialogue, though very extensive at times, is sharp and well written.  I just say stay away from necrophilia because otherwise you're a good writer.


Be excellent to each other
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bert
Posted: August 2nd, 2005, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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I read the spoilers first (sue me), but am pretty confident I would have seen it coming anyway.  However, it was the spoilers that made me feel I had to check out this story, so whatever, you know?

"Cool" idea (I made a funny!), but sooo much voice over, and some it is even repetitive.  It's just too much.  A little of that goes a very long way.

Try this.  Keep the first two voice overs, and the last one. Just those. Then read the rest of the story with just the visuals, skipping the rest of the dialogue and the "unknown room" sequences.  Isn't that better? Sure, you lose a peice of the backstory, but I think it's much creepier without that particular detail, eh?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Impulse
Posted: August 2nd, 2005, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Bert... way too many voice overs. It would be a more gripping read if you do what Bert says and keep just the last and first one.

I dunno what to say about that one, I read the spoilers first so I knew what was coming, I was just surprised on how you revealed it. "We got into a fight once, so I put a pillow over her face until she stopped moving." That was good. Necrophilia kind of grosses me out, but I guess it's needed for that kind of story of a man's love.
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dogglebe
Posted: August 3rd, 2005, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't read the spoilers before reading this and figured out the ending at the beginning of page two.  

I had a big problem with the formatting.  Too often you describe things in ways that  can't be filmed by the camera.  On page one, you wrote that the guy 'tells us his story.'  On page three you wrote that 'he goes back to sleep BEFORE she wakes up.'  How do you the moment before an event.

A suggestion, if I may.  Rather than have her dead, keep her alive (although she doesn't move much).  In the end, you could show that she had a lobotomy.

My two cents.


Phil
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Sham
Posted: August 7th, 2005, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Interesting and grotesque story.

I did figure out the "twist" before I should have, and there's a reason to this:  you have too many lines that say "she didn't say anything" or "she just sat there" and moments where "she didn't do anything."

Take those out.  They're not needed, and the images of him getting ice, having sex with her, and kissing her before he leaves for work, are enough to tell the story.

All in all, it's a well-written piece with good dialogue, but the dialogue is the one thing that's not needed.


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Huggybear
Posted: August 7th, 2005, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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My stomach kinda felt a little disturbed. This is what goes through your mind eh? Haha, but it was overall good. Except for the annoying obviousness that she was dead...
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mattman
Posted: September 2nd, 2005, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Looks like I succeded in doing exactly what I wanted to do... Disturb and shock! Muuhhwaaaaaaaaa!!!! (evil laugh).
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-Ben-
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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that was wierd. sickening. but i guess it was mean to be.


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Balt
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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I cracked this one open finally. I had hesitation due to that CHILD MOLESTOR script floating aboout... anyways, this is a very well written movie. It is and don't let anyone tell you differently. I love the opening V.O. it has so much depth and meaning in there. It really just rings true to each and everyone of us out here... very well done!

Now then... I seen the whole twist coming a mile away, but that can be a good thing, really. It gives your character even more depth. I think you could have done a better job of hidding this fact, however.

I think you should have worded the ice scene as such. He is loading down his shopping cart with several bags of ice. The way you have it is very stiff to read.

I love the part when he says .. She just looks at me like I should know the answere but I don't.  << That is a brilliant line in the context of the story at hand.

It's cum not come... but that's no big deal, we get it. I also don't think her shadow would be bouncing off the wall too much.


In the end I loved it! It was smart. It was unsettling in a offbeat way and it kinda had meaning in it. I loved the way you didn't tell us too much of the fight. I mean, what was it about? Was it really enough to wanna take his wifes life? I think this was the best part of the script cause it leads us all to believe what we wanna believe about the man and that... that is good writing.

Do we believe he's just cold, calculating and deranged?
Do we believe he's a brutal killer?
Do we believe he's sick?

I love this aspect of your short here. Although many above don't approve of the content matter at hand, I for one applaud you a great deal. You took some edgy material and made it really shine.

4 out of 5: It was a bit predictable but the writing and dialogue was spot on fantastic! The story has a great creepy vibe that not too many actuall rolling motion pictures can capture. You should work with this one and try to get it produced for an anthology film of some kind.

BALT~
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mattman
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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WOW! Thank you you so much IMADMAN for your kind encouraging words! I'm glad you could read this on another level as opposed to everybody else. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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mattman
Posted: December 13th, 2005, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, I'm resurrecting this script from the dead (pun intended) just to let everybody know that it's going into production by the awesome guys at SpoonDefender Productions. I know they'll do a great job!!! I'm very excited to see this piece of work I wrote translated to screen... If anybody is mildly interested in knowing about how the production is going, the guys keep it logged here:

http://www.spoondefender.com
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 13th, 2005, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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All I have to say is...

Um...

Well...

One word: weird..

...or creepy?

Anyways, necrophilia? I've never really seen a movie or read a script about that...I know I need to see more movies...

But, um, I like the dialogue, and, well, I guess it was okay. I mean it would be pretty scary to wake up having a...greenish-bluish dead person lying next to you on the bed...

What I would like to know is:

1. What was her facial expression after he killed her? Because if it were like a screaming face, then I think it will make it a lot creepier, waking up seeing a dead person screaming in fear right in your face.

2. Did the man, like, really really really really really love her? I'm guessing so because you really don't see guys keeping their wives corpses in giant tubs of ice and having sex with them everyday.

But I give it a 3 out of 5

*shivers*
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