Adonis by Ken Kabatoff - Short - A strange meeting between two of the most powerful men in the world. - fdr, format

That was a quick read and well-written. I don't really have anything to say except that you really can't film a room "with an uneasy feel." What does that mean exactly? Other than that, it was a good story for 4 written pages.

Hey, thanks. But I just wish I didn't submit this script yet. Cause there was so much more  
I wanted to do with it. I think I could probably stretch this out to about 15 - 20 pages.  I think once I do that I'll submit it again, and then you could take another look.

I agree, you could make this a whole lot longer and more interesting. I'll take a look once you're done.

Deal.

I don't have FD so couldn't open this, is there anyway to convert it?

Yeah, Shonagh, I sent you the script via email.

Thanks Ken.

Spoilers -

Interesting story and interesting characters but you need to go deeper. I'd like to know what happened between Adonis and the old rich guy - if he really did assassinate him then why? Money, pride, revenge? Also why does Hector feel the need to buy out Adonis (if I had just inherited billions of dollars my first instinct would not be to go and buy a business, I'd be too busy with cars and jets and shoes) - sounds like he holds a grudge against him for some reason? Also Adonis seems to recognise the name when the secretary announces his visitor, and he is very quick to shoot Hector (who could well be lying about inheriting the money) which suggests there is more to it - I don't believe Adonis built this vast business empire by shooting anyone that comes in his office and challenges him without any proof. Why has Hector dropped his last name, was he ashamed of being associated with his billionaire benefactor - but then not too ashamed to accept the money? Is he a distant relative or a close family member, and what happened to his mother?

It is well written and definitely has potential, but at the moment you are asking more questions then you're answering.

Yes. I totally agree. Right now I'm actually working on developing all of those points you mentioned. Like I said above, I could make this between 15 - 20 pages. Nah, i'll aim for 30.  I definitely won't leave any loose ends. This script was written in an hour, cause I had nothing better to do. But after I wrote I liked the character of Adonis and Hector, so I really want to develop it. Thanks for the feedback.

Quoted from Ken Kabatoff This script was written in an hour, cause I had nothing better to do.

It shows - sorry. This is a scene, not a story or a full script. What's basically happening here is a poker game. There's a deal, states are raised, a bluff is made and called, the end.

Not that I didn't enjoy the dialog, these characters have some life and could certainly develop. But having them both rich and smart is way too easy. Kind of like...

Super-villian: Now I shall blast you with my blasting ray!
Super-here: Well, I'll make myself invisible so you can't find me!
super-villian: Then I shall use my invisibility dissipator!
Super-hero: Oops!

Try coming up with some reason that Adonis can't just shoot Hector - some clever insurance play that preferably doesn't involve the cops. Then Hector leaves - now Adonis has a powerful motivation to do something about him, and Hector knows that his life is on the line if his scheme fails. Also, suppose HEctor wants to do something else besides buy the Adonis company - after all, this would allow Adonis to retire rich.

Hehe, you know, I agree, and I don't mind the bluntness. What's funny is that I wrote this "scene" after reading and watching Superman related material. But I do like the idea of the insurance play. I think Hector could be such a great character, just pure evil, I want him to come off as that. Adonis isn't an angel, but if you had to seperate them, you'd know where to place Hector. Everyday i'm just coming up with new characteristics and trying to work them into the overall plot.....which still has to be created. But appreciate your honesty, and yes, I agree.