BHS 1 - Pilot by Peter - Series, Comedy - Three high school freshman friends need money to replace a recently wrecked camcorder.  They do this by starting a help service at their school.  In this episode, Rick gets a baby-sitting job and Jim has to write a history report.   - doc, format

Hey Peter:

This one really takes an odd turn towards the end, doesn't it?  I won't spoil it here, but I will say that the question of WHY such an odd incident might occur in the way it did is never answered in a satisfying manner.  You need to work out some explanation that is a little more reasonable than the one supplied by Policeman #1.

On a technical note, go ahead and introduce your characters right away; for example, "RICK, an Asian kid". It is a little awkward the way you have it now. Also, giving them different ethnicities is good, but these will not define a character in and of themselves.  Describe them a little more for us, particularly since they are your lead characters. We really need a good idea of the type of people you have in mind. Fat, or good-looking, or nerdy with glasses...or what?

So, is the point of this series that every week different "jobs" will arise? That is not really made clear here, but if that is what you intend to do, you need to give Tom a "job", too.  These characters will be developed through their misadventures, so forgetting about Tom and just sending him home should not really be an option. Unless the character of Erica is coming back, you can create a little space by getting rid of her flashback, which does not drive the story, nor does it help establish Rick's character.  It really only helps to establish Erica's character, but if you will be using Erica later, then you should keep it.

Jim's task was handled in an amusing fashion (great title), and while it only took a little bit of screen time, we still got a good sense of what was going on with him.  You can do the same thing for Tom, I think, if you give him a task.

But Rick's job, of course, was the centerpiece here.  And I thought the clown thing was fairly amusing until you took it in the direction you did.  It was abrupt, and weird, and just didn't seem to fit with the tone you were trying to establish.  But that is just my opinion, of course.  I will be curious to see what other readers think of where you ended up taking this story.