Bowling Alley by Alex Vo - Short, Thriller - It's about a teenager named Reid who sees hallucinations, and he has to deal with it while working at a Bowling Alley.  - doc, format

1)  You exceed your duties WAY too much.  In addition to directing it (it's one thing to say "we see...", etc., but you actually dictate the series of shots in some points) but saying how the charatcer should say his dialogue is also bad except when absolutely necessary.  The exclamation marks and contents of dialogue show anger, there's no need to get an actor angry by telling him what way to say it.

2)  Page 3.  "Reid feels vulnerable, and is extremely uncomfortable being around "normal" people."  That's bad; the reader is being told something, but that won't be delivered to the viewers.  In addition to it being unnecessary, it can actually hurt the movie if you later neglect to show the information in a way the viewer will be able to understand.  The only time this is useful is when it helps the actor understand how to play the character.  The next sentence, "he constantly fidgets, etc." helps that.  There are similar mistakes throughout the script.

3)  DR. Cale's speech on the answering machine seems flat and expository (directed more at the audience than at the character).

4)  The dialogue needs a little work.  Hollywood movies have pretty bad dialogue too (compared to regular conversational English), but I recommend polishing it a bit.

5)  I would recommend lengthening it.  Have longer scenes of Reid alone in the bowling alley, going nuts.  Something gradual makes more sense for the viewer, and the longer you stretch it the more suspense you get (unless it's stretched ridiculously and boringly, of course).  The movie "The shining" is probably the scariest movie I've ever seen (granted, I saw it an 1 AM), and part of that is that it had a 100 minute build-up, with the scariest scenes happening in the last half-hour.

6)  The ending is anti-climactic.

Now on to the positive comments:

The idea is great.  The bowling alley part doesn't really add to the story, but I suppose it has to take place somewhere.  

The way it's done makes me confused as to what really happens and what's a delusion, and I think that adds a lot to the story.  It puts us in the protagonist's shoes.  I would even recommend doing away with the Black and White parts entirely, as that removes the confusion which provides the essence of the film.

Right now, I give it 2 stars for the creativity.  With a little work though, I think it could eaily reach 3.5 (I'm a tough grader ).

Btw, I just noticed something very interesting about this short:  It would be perfect as a Twilight Zone episode.

Seriously, all the elements are there.  The bizaarity, the psychology, the mystery.  All that's missing is what's-his-name giving his introduction and epilogue (oh, and an end-change.  I don't think I've ever seen a murder on the Twilight Zone).

Well you haven't seen enough of them. There were several episodes where someone met their doom at the hands of a not so normal situation. I'm proud to say I own every episode of the Twilight Zone and have come full circle when drawing ispiration for my own writing off of them.

Rod Serling is only second to Fulci... although, Rod didn't write several TZ's he did add flair to them.

As for the above script in question... I found the problem to be with the stiff dialouge and the cookie cutter story. I did like the bowling alley, however, like you said it didn't add much to the story at all. I thought it was too loaded down with "we see" "Camera here" "Camera there" B.S. and often didn't gel well while reading it.

I give it a 2, myself. I'd like to see this one polished up a bit and maybe put a different twist in there. It's a generally solid concept, just needs work.

Hey guys, thanks for your critique on my short. I'm going to address a few things you guys found negative about it.

First of all, there were complaints about me having too many camera actions, descriptions of shots, etc. I wrote this short so i would direct it. There's a difference between writing a script for someone, and writin for yourself.

Another thing peopel should consider when reading this is i had a lot of creative restrictions when writing this. I had to write with limited actors (with limited abilities) in mind. My friend dad owns a bowling ball alley, that is why this script takes place in a bowling alley.

I just thought you guys should take note of this. Thanks for your comments, and any more would be welcome.

One more thing. Although this is my first draft, I don't think i'll rewrite it because I'm no longer filming it because i'm not satisfied with a lot of things. (you guys made some valid points that i'm aware of)

Hold on now, Alex. You wrote this because you wanted to film it, right? Don't let other people change your mind.
I haven't read this yet. I plan on doing that right now, but if you want to film this why not let it set for a week or so and pick it back up, go through it again and do a rewrite.
I'll give it a look right now.

Alex,
I tried to open this one. I couldn't. It said there was an error on word pad. Sorry.
I still don't think that you should scrap your ideas because of what others say. Let it sit a while, then go back and do a rewrite.

Don't let us destroy your ideas.  Seriously, I wouldn't have bothered to post here if I didn't think it had immense potential (when I think a screenplay is absolutely awful, I don't post - I have nothing to add to the writer).  To use an incredibly cliche metaphor, imagine what would have happened if Shakespeare had given up when they told him his ideas were rididculous?  We would have NOTHING BORING TO READ IN LITERATURE CLASS!
Seriously though, it's a great script.  All it needs is a little work.  By giving up, not only do you wreck a great idea, but you lower your writer's self-confidence - something incredibly important for writers.
Even worse, you make me feel guilty for criticizing too harshly.  You don't want me to feel guilty, do you?

I'm not saying he should scrap it either. I thought a re-write would do it justice, that's all. I actually liked the setting and thought it had a lot of things going for it. My review wasn't to get him to not film or pursue this at all.

I was being honest and thought, maybe, he needs another draft before doing anything major with it. That's all.

I'm not rewriting drafts and filming it for many reasons. It isn't just because of the critiques it got. There were complications with actors, and a whole lot of other things. I'm also working on some new stuff now. I might do rewrites just for the sake of doing rewrites, but I'm not going to film it.

Also, for CindyLKeller, I think of you want ot read it, you need to open it in Word, not notepad.

Anyways, for anybody else who reads it, I beg of you to be brutally honest when it comes to critiquing. I like being bashed. I learn a lot from it. It thought Jerdol's critique was extremely useful and good; it was descriptive and it said what it needed to say.

so if jerdol posts on one of my scripts they must be good (in his opininon) i didn't read all his script. it was god, but i cant really comment because im not really an experienced script writer myself. I feel giulty that it sounds like im being "bigger than my boots' when i post any sort of opinion on any script discussion.

You shouldn't feel that way. You don't have to be an expert screenwriter to have an opinion as to weither or not you like it. You either do, don't or kinda do. Simple as that and that goes for if you've wrote one script, no scripts or a million scripts.

I know what I like... I know what I've wrote... Those are two comeplete and total opposite avenues. Remember that. It also doesn't matter if you only have 12 post either, you might be new by posting status but how is anyone to know you haven't been writing screenplays since the 70's? They don't... they assume too much, just don't go assuming too much yourself and you'll be fine.

So... go ahead, have at it, form your opinion and run away with it. Be Blunt, cause nobody likes a kiss ass sugar kicker. That's why if you see my post they are always kinda stern and to the point and not so candyland.

Just my two cents on the matter~

Balt~

P.S. & I'm gonna go out on a limb here and maybe even break the limb clean off the tree by saying this -- If I read your script and like it, then it's a good script... trust me. I've seen and read it all and nothing surprises me, however, if you manage to do so... you've done something. Most people who get comments from me don't like them to well, thus in return don't like me to well, LOL!

Being an experienced scriptwriter has nothing to do with having something to say about someone's scripts.  None of us are professional critics or writers.  We, however, are the ones who must pay nine or ten dollars to get into a theater to see a movie.

The fact that we are from different age groups, educational and social backgrounds, cities, states, countries, makes no difference.  In fact, our differences makes us that more important.  When I write a script, I want to know what EVERONE thinks of it, not just those like me.

Review people's work, just be prepared to back up whatever you say.


Phil