SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 1:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Kiss of the Locust Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Kiss of the Locust  (currently 5201 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 7:33am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Kiss of the Locust by James McClung - Horror - Three college students join an entomologist and his son on an expedition into the mountains to collect specimens of an unidentified insect species that turns the mountain residents into zombies. 84 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 11th, 2006, 1:13pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
James McClung
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
This is my first script. I tried to be original and innovative but also pay homage to the greats. Fans of old-school zombie horror should enjoy. This is the third draft of the script and I think it could still use some work. Any comments would be much appreciated.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
James McClung  -  September 5th, 2005, 11:06pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
bert
Posted: September 6th, 2005, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hey -- I thought this one looked interesting and I will have a read of it soon.

Just so you know that somebody is looking...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
bert
Posted: September 7th, 2005, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
In the interests of full disclosure, I have to admit that zombies aren’t really my thing, but I was drawn to what looked to be a new scenario for this type of story.  But I was a little disappointed that we never got the answers to the “Why here?” and “Why now?” questions about these bugs that might have strengthened the story.

At 70 pages, this is a pretty quick read.  Technically, it’s pretty polished, with very few quibbles (see below).  You have obviously been working on this.  You acknowledge that it might need a little work, but you also have 30 or so pages in which to expand should you choose to do so.  Here are some thoughts for you when you dive back into this story.  Hope some of this helps you out.

(spoiler space)

* Some technical stuff:  Unless you are directing this, don’t number the scenes.  That is for a shooting script.  You can also scratch the “continueds”.  My understanding is that this is just considered “clutter on the page” now.  I mean, if you are turning the page, it is obviously continued, right?  For our scripts, we should strive to keep the pages as "white" as we can.  That's what readers like to see.
* Rework the beginning for sure.  For sure.  The first four pages are, quite literally, people shaking hands and introducing themselves to each other.  These kind of scripts work best with a “grabber” right up front.  In fact, they almost demand it.  The first 10 pages are the most important in the entire script. Don’t make a potential interested party yawn right off the bat.
*  Give us a little more on these characters.  Their names and ages are simply not enough.  Describe them for us.  Give them quirks.  Is one a jock?  Is another a science nerd?  I don’t necessarily mean to make them stereotypes, but your principle characters really need something to distinguish them from one another.  They don’t have that now.
*  Some of your description paragraphs are very long, particularly around pages 40 and 50, and usually when the action is going on.  And your action sequences worked pretty well for me.  But they could have worked better with shorter paragraphs.  It’s an easy fix, though.  After 2 or 3 sentences, whatever feels right, just start a new paragraph.  It is still the same amount of text, but it “feels” like less, and makes for a quicker read.  Our eyes should be able to skim right down the page, especially during the action sequences.
*  Around page 17, it rings very, very false that they simply “decide” not to take dear old dad to the hospital.  I mean, of course they would!  Geez, just look at the guy!  You must rework this scene so there is some compelling reason they do not leave.  Maybe make dad a little more conscious, and he tells them, “No.  I’ll be fine.  The research is more important.”  Then, he can have his big “problems” a little bit later.
*  On page 32, you call a character “Jim”.  You must have changed a character name at some point and missed one.  Happens to me all the time.
*  Around page 48, you give way too many details about the interior of the house.  Why describe the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom in such detail?  We know what a bathroom looks like.  Point out details that will be important later for sure, like a gun on the wall or something, but otherwise, this kind of stuff just bogs down the reader.
*  Why is George “turning”.  Did he get stung?  Did I miss it?  If I missed it, my bad.  But if you don’t show us the reason George is turning, but sure to put that in somewhere.
*  I like that you have them rehashing the rules of zombie survival, a la “Scream”.  It’s a good bit, and you should run with that idea a bit more.
*  I am not certain that I understand the purpose of the delivery men at the end, and I really should be certain.  I don’t remember them being called or anything.  Is it that they are taking the bugs back to the city?  Clear this up.  Make it explicit as to why they are there, and what the consequences will be.

So all in all, this was a pretty good read for me.  My biggest problem with it was that I did not get my payoff with the bugs.  I was really hoping for an explanation.  A chemical spill?  A terrorist plot?  Something even more sinister?  I mean, of course it’s not mandatory to explain why these bugs have shown up where and when they did, but a nice backstory for these bugs would certainly strengthen your story as a whole.  In fact, it occurs to me now that this could even serve as the “grabber” that you need up at the front of this story.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
James McClung
Posted: September 7th, 2005, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks, Bert. These were exactly the kind of comments I was looking for. In response to some of the comments...

SPOILERS...

1. I'm really happy to hear that I don't have to number the scenes. Doing that was a huge pain. I decided to number the scenes after reading the GoodFellas script on this sight and figured it would make it look more professional but I didn't realize that was only for the shooting script. I'll be sure to change that. But for the record, I AM the director.

2. There was an opening scene in the first draft of the script involving one of the insects attacking a cabin resident who eventually becomes the bald zombie at the cabin but that was discarded. I've actually come up with an opening scene just now that is based upon the original opening that will integrate the insects' backstory and give the plot a little more meat.

3. Rereading the script, I find the area between Dr. Romero getting stung and him turning to be the area with the most problems. I'll definitely be fixing that up.

4. JIM RETURNS!!! Stu was originally called Jim. I'd thought I'd gotten rid of all traces of him.

5. The delivery men were supposed to be picking up the insects to bring to the lab which is a BAD thing. I guess I didn't stress that enough.

6. I never said why George turns. Didn't think it was important. Same with the bugs backstory. And the whole zombie transformation cycle. I figured that horror movies were best when you didn't see the whole picture but perhaps I took that concept a little too far.

Again, thanks for the comments. I'll definitely be taking them into consideration.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
James McClung  -  September 7th, 2005, 8:40pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
James McClung
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
For those interested, a fifth draft of the script has been posted. I've managed to fatten up the script by ten pages with a new opening, some more exposition, some backstory, and more zombie mayhem. For those who decide to give it a look: enjoy.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
bert
Posted: September 13th, 2005, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hey, this is so much improved -- really -- and so quickly, too.  While I did not have time to give a thorough read-through, I did skim over some of the new stuff I was curious about.

(spoiler space)

*  The new opening takes this up to another level all by itself.  And I did not see the bug coming either.  I was sure it would be the chimney -- I mean, we all know what happens when people stick their heads in the chimney, right?  What could look cool (take this or leave it) is after he kills the one bug, and thinks it's over, how about a whole swarm come rushing in through the fireplace, smothering him?  He can still puke and convulse or whatever.
*  Describing the guys -- another big improvement.  It seems like such a small detail -- and it is, really -- but giving a first-time reader that mental picture really helps to keep up with who is who once they start talking to each other.
*  About not going to the hospital.  Giving Dr. Romero that one line -- "I was prepared for this".  It is strong and convincing.  Problem solved.

I hope you get some more readers for this one.  It's shaping up nicely.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
James McClung
Posted: September 13th, 2005, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks a lot for the comments, Bert. They really made my day.

Wow! I can't imagine what would happen if he were attacked by a swarm of insects! Another time perhaps.

I hate to do this but I'm going to put this aside for now to focus on more important things (though this was my top priority for a good three months); I don't seem to have as much time on my hands anymore. This script has become way more than I ever expected it would be (I started out intending it to be an epic-length short of 60 minutes or so). I may come back to it if I think it needs more work or I come up with something really fantastic but for now, I'm quite satisfied with how it is.

In due time, I'm going to write a second script. I've been toying with a few ideas for some time now. My aim is to do something much darker and serious.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 28th, 2005, 12:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey James,

I’m going to read this sometime this weekend. I’ve been busy watching some of the most awful Public Domain programs. Believe me, I’d much rather be reading your script.

Anyway, I’ve had some trouble with my hand and actually have had to print it. Just to let you know how important it is, I ran out of pre-punched paper and actually sat down and punched holes in regular paper.

I’ve got it bound with brads and sitting on my desk. I will read it and post a review before the weekend is up. Promise. I’m looking forward to it.

Breanne




Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 29th, 2005, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey James,

First off, your script had two obstacles to overcome with me personally. I’m not generally a huge fan of horror and I’m certainly no fan of insect movies.

However, a good script is a good script, period.

I’m not going to comment on the very minimal amount of errors. The small amount already shows your commitment to eradicating them so I’m sure you’ll take care of them. In fact, I would venture to say you’ve already purged some of them between the time you posted and the time I read this anyway. You’re capable there so no need for comment.

I’m also not going to comment on things that other posters have pointed out, except to say that I did still find a Jim thrown in at one point and in one part, even a John. Also, at one point Sam (most likely meant to be Stu) yells out, “Sam!”

*Spoilers Galore*

I thought this was going to be an insect movie in the vein of “Swarm” or “Food of the Gods,” but it turned out to be a zombie flick.

I would make a few suggestions.

Early on, there is a group of characters introduced to each other, shaking hands, etc. Those same characters are introduced to another character only moments later. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. It’s just that, for the reader, it’s like reading the same scene twice. Perhaps, you might consider having one of the introductions only implied.

At times, I thought you were over-explaining. For example, do I really need to know where an entomologist bought beekeeper’s outfits? It makes perfect sense for him to possess them.

Sometimes characters tell the same information to two different other characters in two different scenes. This is just repeated information to the reader.

It’s perhaps a little too similar to Romero’s work. An obvious homage. I sort of viewed it as a “Scream” type for the zombie genre.

I was disappointed in something -- the absence of any female characters whatsoever. Not even a single female zombie. Don’t get me wrong. There’s not much room for romance when zombies are trying to eat you but it would have been nice to have a character I could have related a little more personally to. The good news is that you didn’t just arbitrarily add a female coed just to de-pants her at some point. Credit to you for that.

Some of it was actually quite funny, particularly when the three remaining protagonists are working on how to protect themselves and escape:

STU (to George)
Can we at least agree that they have zombie-like characteristics?

Stuff like that is priceless. You are at your best, most fluent, during these scenes.

Overall, it’s very well written. That’s very refreshing. Other than the expected polishing that any good writer does (you know the old saying about an artist’s work never being completed, only abandoned), it’s relatively honed.

I don’t read a lot of horror but, when I do, it’s nice to read something well written and entertaining. Thanks for that.

Breanne



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
James McClung
Posted: October 30th, 2005, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks a lot for the comments, Breanne. It'll be a while until I integrate them into the script since I'm working on another one but I appreciate them none the less and will definitely take them into consideration. I especially appreciate the comments about repeated information since that is a tad of a problem in my second script. I sometimes feel it neccesary for people to repeat information as naturally they would which can lead to some more emotional scenes but some times, it's just plain redundant. And for the record, the main protangonists in my second script are female. I don't much care for any sort of romance in horror films though. My approach to my scripts is much more balls-to-the-wall horror (though, as you said, this one came out a little tongue-and-cheek, which is okay; I think it worked well).

Thanks again for the comments. I'm glad someone else decided to give this a look.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
greg
Posted: February 1st, 2006, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1680
Posts Per Day
0.24
I'm never usually rushing out to see zombie flicks, although I'd consider them a guilty pleasure.  I mean what's better than the possibility of unlimited gore?  I took some notes as I read which you will see below, and at the bottom I have my full in-depth review.

Page 5: "The resident screams and writes in pain."  Writes?  Did you mean wiggle or something?

Page 18: The problem with "herb" gardening is that on film it wouldn't mean what you're implying unless he holds up the quote signs.

Page 20: One technical thing that I'm finding is that having Sam and Stu as central characters is kind of confusing since their names are so much alike.  On screen this probably wouldn't matter as much, but to the reader it can take its toll.

Page 21:" ...tiptoeing around large black creatures..." See, I actually thought these were different than the insects.  I think you should replace creatures with insects to avoid confusion.

Page 24: Dr. Romero vomits a disgusting white substance onto his son...how charming.

Page 31: Stu explains why he's here again only to a different person.  This is like torture for the reader because we already know why's he's here.  It's kind of a fishy situation going on at the moment, so maybe some odd, smart-ass remark would be more in order.

I like how they're leaving marks on the trees.  Something thoughtful that is usually omitted from many zombie stories.  

Page 34: "What am I going to tell George?"  He was just attacked by and bitten into by Dr. Romero and that's the line he gets out?  I think something along the lines of "What the butterfuck just happened?" Hahaha.  It's not the most original of lines, but if my friend's dad just attacked and ripped off some of my flesh and forcing me to take action, I wouldn't be worried about what I'd tell the friend, but that's just me.

Page 37:  Stained with John's blood?  I'm guessing John was Pete's original name or something.

Page 38: "This place is starting to give me the creeps."  It's just starting now?  This is a traditional and much overused line in horror movies.  I'd drop it.

Page 47: "I don't know what's going on here, but I don't like it."  Again, traditional and overused line which is more than stating the obvious.  I mean his dad just died!

Page 50: The zombie tears a chunk of bloody meat from Pete's throat.  Yummy!

Page 55: I like how you left everything there from the first scene, specifically the bacon and eggs.  Nice touch.

Page 56: "We're not going anywhere in the dark of night." You know, the problem with George is that his lines are just so weird.  One moment he sounds like he's in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and the next sounds like he's in Lord of the Rings!  More on this further down...

Page 73: Rock-paper-scissors, now that was a good surprise!

The insects infecting people was a stroke of brilliance, the action and gore was badass, but the characters are what turned me off at times.  The problem is that they're all one dimensional figures and you don't really give any of them a personality.  George I was able to separate because I felt his character was just odd.  If you were giving me a quiz describing the personality of Pete, Stu, or Sam, I couldn't tell ya which one it was.  They just lacked any substance.

As stated in my notes, some of George's lines are just out there and some of the things he does don't seem realistic.  The way he handled the situation with his father was just too bizarre.  One minute he's pissed at Stu and the next he's beating the crap out of Dr. Romero, then he's sad again, but then he seems okay moments later.  It's just too sparatic and I think you should really reword their lines, add some quirky jokes, just give them personalities!  There were several instances where I thought maybe one would crack a gag, but instead I was kinda left empty.  

This would be a fun movie if it were made, don't get me wrong.  That's why I can't stress enough to make these characters entertaining and add in some more comedy.  Everytime I read that someone was slicing up zombies or they were about to go out and battle their way to the cabin--I was really enjoying that.  The action is just awesome in here and unlike other zombie flicks that I've seen, you don't put hiding on the top of the characters' list.  

We all know that if they put all of their effort into hiding then they'll die anyway, but these guys go out and kick ass!  That's entertainment!  I also found it fun with how you integrated other methods in zombie movies into this piece because it matches well with the main character's name.  That's a nice gag!  You need more of shtuff like that!

So overall, structuraly this was fantastic, clearly written, action-packed, but the characters still need work.  It's 80 pages, so you got plenty of room to fiddle around.  I really enjoyed this piece and wish you luck on it in the future!  Well done!


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  February 1st, 2006, 9:42pm
poo
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
James McClung
Posted: February 1st, 2006, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks for the review, Doc.

Yeah, I figured the characters would need some (a lot of) work. This was my first script which I wrote some time ago. At the time I knew little or nothing about character development and, to be honest, could've cared less. I've learned much since then though and think it'll be a lot better this time around. I haven't looked at the thing in months so hopefully, I'll know exactly what to do.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
James McClung
Posted: February 6th, 2006, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Just submitted a new draft. Looking back on this after so long was a little weird. There were a lot of character expressions and other things that I wouldn't do anymore. The dialogue wasn't up to my standards a few instances as well. I'm pretty happy with the way the rewrite turned out. It's a lot funnier IMO.

Amongst the changes are:

1. Finally cut down on the horrendous hand shaking sequences in the begining.

2. Fleshed out the characters a little (especially Sam).

3. A terrific exchange between two characters bashing a few of the latest trends.

4. Tried to cut down on beats and various parantheticals.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
James McClung
Posted: February 9th, 2006, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
For those interested: the new draft is up. More humor this time around but I don't think I went overboard.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006