Assassin Episode 1: Pilot by Shelby Parks - Series - Frank is a tough as nails assassin with a soft spot for the ladies. In this episode he is assigned to kill the sheriff. Frank meets Claire. - doc, format

This is my first script so please tell me what you think! I am open to any suggestions/ critisizem. Please read and reply!

You know, the excessive and unnecessary violence is kinda off-putting.

I love excessive violence, but keep in mind that it has its place.  Horror and macho action are often reasonable places for excessive violence, but I think maybe you're going for something more than that.  Cut back on the violence a lot, if only for the sake of your story...gory kills are fun, but assassins are concerned with being efficient and quiet.  Frank's kills are neither.  

Your description is much, much, too wordy, something I suffered from when I started writing as well.  Cut description into blocks no more than four lines long.  Say what you have to with as few words as possible.  Read produced screenplays and notice the minimal description.

Frank isn't really much past a violence-loving thug who has no qualms about knifing an innocent woman.  That's a problem.  Give him motivation and moderation.  When he kills, make it necessary, and don't let him savor it.

I strongly suggest that you read some screenwriting books.  Myself and others would be more than willing to suggest some, I'm sure.  Think about your character's motivation, the audience's reaction to your character (will they like him at all?  I don't), the snappiness of your dialogue, etc.  Draft again, or start with a totally new story.  But lose the excessive violence.  And the vomiting.    

The story was interesting, I don't know how much of a series you can get out of it though.  Your formatting is a tad wild but since you have good grammar and spelling, it wasn't as much of a distraction.  It's so annoying to read non-formatted screenplays that look like a child wrote them.

Anyway, the story.  An assassin company is pretty unique and the fact that Frank falls for an employee of another assassin company is interesting to an extent.  Like I said, depending on that love story, you might not have much of a series to go on.  Since he is working for an assassination company, I can see the use of extremely graphic violence, but you don't want to overdue it to the point where it's just ridiculous.

For example, when Frank kills the dude in the bathroom, wouldn't the blood and guts get on Frank?  I don't care if he is a professional, killing someone can be a very messy job!

So in conclusion, your story is good, your formatting could use some work, tone down your descriptions.  If you want to see what a good description of action looks like, read one of Bert's screenplays.  I find his description easy to read and at the same time it gets the point across.  If I were writing this, I'd probably use it for a full-length screenplay rather than a series.  But that's just me.  Good start though!

Possible Spoilers...







You have everything centered... don't do that.

The first description is way too long, space it out after every 4 lines. You could have just simply said He has a silenced gun without the details unless the specific details are important to the story and in which case unless it's a gun story it's not.

Cut to: The Lobby, INT, night. - Delete every scene heading like this and use INT. LOBBY - NIGHT from now on.

It is kind of nice in here. It is like a waiting room/lobby. - This part of the sentence is filler description and can be deleted, just telling us the woman is behind her desk alone will suffice.

Frank Reaches into his pocket and pulls out his switchblade. He switches it open and throws it at the woman. It sticks in her head. Frank walks over to her body, pulls out the knife and wipes it off on his glove. - I do not like this scene, it's too brutal even for an assassin... Couldn't he just use his gun?

The second the guards see the gun the fire at Frank in the chest. He is hit! - Just give that a read over, you'll see the problem.

Man:
HOLY s***! THAT�S BRAINS! AND B-B-BLOOD!  

Get rid of the : after the guys name, it's wrong and capitalize the entire name ever time anybody is speaking. Oh and I hate this line of dialogue, it's a throw away.

I�m not a huge fan of description of too much gore, especially in a sitcom style series... Less is more and I think without the vast gore it would be so much better.

If you want to keep it this violent you should make it 40 pages or so.

I noticed after I awhile you start using WE which is also wrong because that's telling us instead of showing us.

A real assassin wouldn't need to wear a mask, it�s all about stealth.

I think basically you need to fix some of the large descriptions as I've talked about above, and other things like some of the bad one liners from people who see things.

Overall it isn't bad, it's just a little hurt by your format. Possibly with a better format it could be an enjoyable screenplay or at least a great first attempt.

I just read this and I have to say, it needs a lot of work. I'm not going to start on the formatting like most people do, because that needs lots of work (just look it up on the web).
Frist on the positive side: You have created a neat premise two assasins go on a date, one has to hit another ( a cool twist would be both woudl have to but i just saw mr and mrs smith so you might have trouble seperating that from smiths)
Now for what you need to work on:
Your characters don't make sense. First off all we have this cold blooded killer who kills woman he's never met then he's this big softie and softens up when a woman hits his car. Your contradciting him. He's also a careless assasin hes just running around shooting and stabbing everything.  Claire is crying because she got in an accidnet and she kills people for a liiving. She also doesnt like taking a cab because she's afraid of strangers. You're characters act one way and then say another. These arn't even alter ego issues, because they arn't even trying to hide there profession. For a pilot you didn't even get into the pysche of Frank. We need to find out what motivates him to kill.

The dialogue often feels very unrealistic and akward. When claire and frank I found it very unbelievable. If an assasin got in an accident they wouldnt say it was my fault cause then they have to pay outta there insurance, (if theyre greedy and sadistic enough to kill for money)

The story doenst conclude either. It jsut ends with your character carelessly creating a bloodbath. Like he wants his date to know he's a contract killer, even though he does want to impress her. You're charcters motivations and dialogue need work.

Don't give up though you're onto what could be a really cool story series.
Watch leon: the professional by luc besson. It's really cool and gets into the emotional pysche of this hitman. He kills people but he doesnt understand life much. I recommend you watch it not to copy it, but see how the writer created this relationship between killer Leon and normal life leon.

Okay, here's my review:

Overall the story's pretty good. It's complex but very easy to follow. Looks like most people have already said what I was going to say. Here's some comments anyway:

1. Sluglines (INT./EXT. - LOCATION - TIME OF DAY) never have anything written before them (e.g. CUT TO).

2. All the scene descriptions are crammed into huge paragraphs. Try to break them down into 1-4 line descriptions. It's easier to read that way.

3. NO assassin, not even the worst of the worst, NO assassin is going to walk through the front door of a building into a lobby wearing a ski mask. Why doesn't he walk in dressed as a deliveryman or something to that effect? They don't even have to sign in making them the least likely people to get noticed walking into a building.

Other than that, this was a pretty good read. Nice Pulp Fiction, reference by the way. I'd be interested in reading another episode once this one is fixed up.

I'll just attack the storyline as bits on format have been harped on already.

First, the guards are in the elevator, and their guns are raised. How do they know there is a bad guy outside the door? There wasn't enough time between his entry and reaching the elevator for them to have seen him on the security cameras, enter the elevator, and know he is right outsiode the elevator door.

I also have doubts that Frank woudl wear a ski mask. That's more robber territory. An assassin would be more subtle. He'd walk in, probably with an appointment under an assumed name, kill the guy, and just leave him in his office for the secretary to get a rude shock later.

It seems odd that guard 2's reaction would be throwing up. I would think he'd be fumbling for his gun or something.

That's quite a guy to recognize splattered brains in an elevator. I don't think I would know brains if I saw them. Blood, sure, but brains?

We don't assume anything in a screenplay. The guy is or isn't Morelli.

Vincent has an odd reaction to someone in a ski mask. Seems a bit overconfident. He is stabbed several times, and he is still flippant. Whatever happened to begging for one's life? Explaining the situation to get yourself off the hook?

You have INT. FORD EXPLORER covering not only him in the vehicle, but also him in the post office. Need a new slug for that.

I will have to say the censored words are making me crazy. Either use them or don't use them. Don't censor them. It's distracting.

The bit with Claire is ok. I don't think Frank would be saying, "I've never been in an acident before. What do we do?" It is common knowledge among drivers to call the police and then call your insurance company. You'll be waiting around for awhile after an accident. It is also highly unlikely that Frank would accept a ride from a stranger due to his job. No telling whether the accident was really an accident or whether he was fingered. I would think he'd tell her he had someone coming to avoid the sympathy plea. No need to let on that he might be helpless and need a cab. The conversation they had could easily be had while they wait for the police to show up.

In the club, when Frank kills the police chief. It is unlikely that he would do it so overtly. It could go wrong in so many ways and he would be caught before he left the building. People would have seen him leave the bathroom last. He'd be caught. It would be more believable for him to grab the sheriff, drag him into a stall and kill him there, propping him up on the stall. When the innocent bystander comes along, he has to keep quiet and finish the job when the bystander leaves. That would create some tension. It would be awhile and several men later before the wife finally has someone go in there to make sure he is ok. That's when the murder is revealed. Right now, it's too obvious to everyone that Frank did it. Claire should suspect, not know.

Another thing about movie assassins. I've never known a real one, but I've seen plenty of movies. James Bond is sometimes an assassin. It's part of his job. An assassin would only kill those who are a threat. They never kill someone who is no threat to them. At the beginning, Frank would walk in as I noted earlier. No one but Morelli dies in as nasty a way as you see fit. Frank might even escape via the stairs and out a side door when it's all over. In the bathroom, only the Sheriff dies. This makes it more of a job, and not a killing spree. It also creates more tension, since he should not draw attention to himself. It should always be a question to everyone around what really happened. He is a professional killer. Right now, he is acting like an amateur.

I think your story could work just fine. Not sure about the series, since that would involve dragging the Claire/Frank relationship out for too long, but as a feature there's potential. I would encourage you to watch the 2005 version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. There's a similar plot there you'll want to spin a different way. It's different already, but good to know the similiarities.